Facing my fear

I have this fear.

I don’t like being the center of attention in public or even knowing there are people seeing me. Even if I know I’ll never see the people again. It makes me absolutely nervous, uncomfortable and I’ll do everything possible to get myself out of doing what I committed to do.

and yet I wanted to be a runway model…pssh!

This was a major issue I had to deal with while working in prison. Knowing I had 200 pairs of eyes watching my every move. My every bite I would take of my lunch…to the point of one of them yelling through their cell door the moment I closed the lid to a 1/2 eaten chicken salad, ‘I’ll eat the rest of that!!’ It was very difficult to deal with, walking across the yard of 600 inmates, knowing each and every step was being viewed. I’d mumble to myself, have the worst scowl on my face and pray I made it to the building without one saying something derogatory or me having to stop to tell one to ‘move along’ since they were staring too much.

I hate knowing people are watching me. H-A-T-E.

So, one day I headed down some country roads and saw these really pretty wild flowers off the side of one of the very busy roads. I swore to myself, since it would be my very last weekday off, I’d capitalize and return with my camera. Regardless of how many people saw me snapping away.

And truthfully, I wanted to do it when the majority of people were at work and not on a weekend. (baby steps)

2 hours went by after the fact and I still hadn’t returned to the flowers. Making excuses why it wasn’t ‘time’ yet, but really hoping the sun would set faster so I could lose the opportunity. But knowing my car was sitting in the blazing sun and not the garage, forced me to go out again.

Camera in hand, I made the drive back to the flowers. I parked and walked with my head down to the little patch of purple and red flowers, telling myself, ‘Don’t look at any cars, keep your head down, if you hunker low enough they might not see you…’ I start to hunker in what was the worst shoe choice imaginable. flip flops..what person in their right mind wears flip flops to walk through prickly weeds? *this girl* As I got lower, I saw huge black ants!

Another thing I don’t deal well with, mean ants. So now hunkering is practically out of the question. I planned on laying on my belly (pre flip flop/prickly weeds/ants) to:
A. be at the lowest possible level so no one would see me.
B. get the best shot possible
C. be at the lowest possible level so no one would see me.

I stayed for maybe 10 minutes. Enough time to have several cars drive by, to realize it was the worst lighting of the day, that flip flops gives ants a direct line for my toes {even if none actually came close}, that I jump at the slightest movement on the chance its an ant coming for me and that rocks aren’t friendly to walk, kneel, or crouch down on.

And the worst part? My pictures are subpar at best. Not like, oh, I’m just being modest…no, they really are subpar. Nothing wowing, unique, eye catching. Nothing more than plain ol’ run of the mill pictures of some flowers.

I promise it looked prettier driving by at a high rate of speed.


the focus! Where’s the focus!? It was so bright, I couldn’t make out anything.

All that for some pictures I probably won’t keep. The only consolation was I repeated to myself that everyone driving by seeing me wished they would be as brave and bold as I taking pictures off a busy road.

It worked…until the end of the sentence.

~what’s a fear of yours?~

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