A thank you and a follow up

I have to say THANK YOU! Thank you to each and every one of you who are cheering me on. You all are such a great support. I know I’ll be coming back to everyone’s comments in twitter, instagram and here when I’m neck deep in homework to be reminded that I have a great cheering section.

First day went alright. I could certainly use someone skilled in the ways of Chemistry to step forward and teach me everything they know…in baby steps, because that’s Greek to me, but I hope to get in a ‘learning’ groove to nail these classes.

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Once in awhile I’ll get someone asking how the ol’ feet are doing so… at the beginning of the week, I had to go see a doctor for my disability. It was a review of sorts, where the State hired him to do an independent assessment to determine I am in fact still disabled and able to keep my benefits. It turned out to be quite the visit, I have to say. I was in the room with the doctor for an hour and a half. That has to be the longest I’ve ever had a dr. in the room.

He asked so many questions and was incredibly detailed and left me with a lot to think about in regards to my retirement, which I can’t quite go into but this guy seemed like a really good dr who knows his stuff. Whereas the dr. I saw years ago who I feel is largely the reason I’m in the condition I’m in, was not.

Hindsight..always 20/20.

The worst part of the whole visit was him being unable to tell me any of his thoughts on my condition. Even unable to refer a dr. to me as it would be a conflict of interest to the job he was hired to do. The only thing he would say was any dr. who got hold of my file wouldn’t want anything to do with me and my problems.

Well, that’s a comfort.

Maybe he isn’t such a great doctor after all…

Now I get to wait to get word from the State on whether he deems me still incapable of doing the job to maintain my disability benefits. I’m praying so because this girl can’t handle the idea of losing her benefits.

Has anyone ever had to go through this? Going on disability and then being under review after a few years? Preferably in California but would still love to hear feedback if anyone’s gone through it in their state.

completely unrelated but had to share the hummingbird escaping the wind the other day.

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Having flashbacks

Yesterday during the interview I told a couple prison stories. If this seems odd, it’s only because the position I’m going after is within a law enforcement agency and the questions they were asking were in direct line with my prison days.

It took awhile for the stories to come to the front of my brain before I could tell them and even then, they were a little spotty. It was as if they had to come from the deep vault I put them in, by way of searching the index card for their file number, grabbing the key, pulling the file out and on a slow conveyer belt, eventually making its way to the front of my brain for the memory.

They’ve been locked away for a few years, hardly ever accessed. On the rare occasion, one story will pop into my head or I’ll have the few and far between prison dream that’s very intense but other than that, I almost never talk about it. Sometimes I think my 6 years I worked there never happened, its such a distant memory that doesn’t seem plausible that I would ever do that.

After yesterday, it was as if the vault had been opened and left opened, because when it was time to go to sleep, there was a good 30 minutes when that’s all I could think of. And generally, thinking about prison stories before I sleep is about the worst thing I can do.

Memory after memory started flooding back. I started remembering the good, the bad and the horrific. Moments that had me chuckling and moments I had forgotten about that I was quick to tuck back away with thinking about anything good to overpower it.

Eventually I was able to stop thinking about it, and thankfully I didn’t suffer the consequences of it all in my dreams, but it had me wonder for a moment if I wanted this position because it has the likeliness of keeping this vault open. Getting back into this environment will no doubt bring back a part of the Emily I let go of when I retired 2 1/2 years ago. Ultimately I do want this job. A part of me craves being back into some form of law enforcement, even if it means not being an Officer, but it’s a matter of finding that balance that I wasn’t quite able to find before.

I think being older and *cough* wiser would help me in obtaining that balance. Sometimes I want to relive the “glory days” as odd as that may seem. As if I were more important then than I am now, and I want people to feel and know that. I know I’m important today, just in a different way. It goes back to the balance, I suppose, of being okay with where I am today since its in stark contrast to where I was or where I thought I’d be.

Its that contentment I guess, that I haven’t quite found just yet.

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It’s a joke

Remember this post where I said I was officially retired? Its over its done…yada yada??

Well, let me let you in on a little secret…
Image via pinterest by tmlCreations

…I’m not 100% retired, per se..

By all accounts, I’m retired per my retirement company. They believe there’s nothing more to be done, said or figured out. I’m retired and they’ve happily handed over disability checks for the past 2 months.

But the silly Department of Corrections..no, lets narrow it down more..the silly prison I used to work in, has not retired me. So here I sit with an active Peace Officer’s ID. Along with paperwork that states, I’m active…just out for medical reasons, at this time.

I’ve called the personnel office more times then I can count. The woman who is in charge of my paperwork hasn’t returned my calls in…oooohh, 9 months. She refuses to call me back. Her boss…just as incompetent, isn’t helping.

I talked to the Return to Work Coordinator 2 months ago, to inform her I’m retired and she was shocked at the news and thanked me for letting them know. They blame my retirement company for not being given the information for them to start their end of the retirement process (which is pretty involved, requiring me to go BACK to the prison I used to work and get many signatures as well as sign numerous papers, myself. Not to mention, turn in my active ID and get a ‘retired’ one). So when I called my retirement company to help speed things along they denied any issues, stating they informed the prison and the woman in charge. (my special specialist)

So, the whole I used to be a Sergeant post I did way back when?? kinda isn’t 100% true..like I thought. I’m technically still a Sergeant, thanks to CDC not doing their job.

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