When stuff becomes stuff

When I packed up my little apartment of four years to put into storage, I made sure to sort through as much as possible and determine what I wanted to sell and get rid of. Everything was going into storage, so I was determined to keep the essentials and necessary furniture.

Living on my own for 12 years, I had accumulated a lot of things but when it was all done, I was able to fit just about everything into a 10x10 storage unit. Some things fit into my room at my parents, but when you see your whole apartment in a storage unit, it puts a lot into perspective.

Fast forward a year and a lot of traveling later, and I have found that I can live with the absolute bare minimum. All the "things" I needed in my apartment, I don't even think about. I don't even know what they are anymore.

This didn't hit me fully until I went to Las Vegas for three months and literally lived with just 3 pair of shorts, a handful of tops, and a couple pair of shoes..with pj's and the necessaries of course, but that's it. I rotated between the same outfits for three whole months, and I honestly didn't care. No one cared. No one saw me and questioned if they'd seen me wear that top before or wonder about it. I didn't have to spend longer than 60 seconds choosing my outfit for the day, it was so nice and easy. Laundry was one tiny load a week.

Coming back to CA, I have all my clothes but the idea that I can live with a lot less is still holding on tight. The past couple months, I've been slowly working on selling all my furniture in storage. I'm down to just two dressers and I'll have it all gone. I'm thinking of going through all of my storage bins and boxes that I don't even know what's in them, and getting rid of things. Even hopefully getting a smaller storage unit. This stuff is going to sit there for months, maybe even years untouched and its becoming a waste. There's memorabilia and keep sakes that I'm obviously holding onto, but all the superfluous stuff, is just that, superfluous and I'm ready to see it go.

I think I'm ready to start fresh and with less. To finally let go of all those things I held onto thinking I'll use them again or even use them for the first time.

Do you ever have these feelings? Where you need to get rid of a bunch of stuff and clean house? Normally twice a year, I'll sort through my closet and give away clothes I haven't touched in a year's time, but I've never had the desire to purge all things! Until now.





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It all comes to a close

I’m sitting here in the quiet listening to the two clocks compete for the loudest tick tock, as I wish I had socks on because it’s a little chilly in here. In truth, I wish I would get up to go change into my workout clothes, but I did my abs video two days ago, and well, my thighs are ridiculously sore from it… (which is odd when you think it was an abs video, but it’s proof just how much you use your other muscles…), so I don’t want to think about the pain that’s involved with standing up to walk, so I remain seated.

Even though I haven’t been too into blogging lately, I still read everyone’s and as is normal, the common theme now is resolutions and theme words, and I can’t help but feel so far removed from it. I am not one to do resolutions, and though I know many who thrive on the ‘theme word’ for the year, I find it to be just another distraction and false sense of purpose. I’ll put the disclaimer of “for me” at the end of that, so as not to step on anyone’s toes, but ultimately it’s how I feel. And if I may, the idea of waiting until the new year to act on something, whether it’s working out, eating better, acting better or spending less…seems superficial. If a person can’t start something at any other time of the year, why is it believed to be different (and successful) at the first of the year?

I digress.

This year wasn’t anything like what I thought it would be and it ended far from what I ‘planned’, but I remind myself it’s silly to plan anything to begin with and instead trust in God to make it what He wants…despite my protests and grumblings. This next year, I don’t even want to think ahead and imagine, for fear of repeated disappointment, but rather focus on the daily task at hand, which is school, once it starts back up on the 13th.

Life has been on pause for far too many years, but just like a ‘wait until new years to start something’, it’s entirely my fault I haven’t acted and pressed play to get it back up and going. But I’m hoping to change that…ironically at the start of the new year. Does that make me a hypocrite? Or just ironic timing of it all.. Regardless, my focus through it all is on Him, and what I pray, is less on myself.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned these past few months living back with my parents, is that I’m selfish. It’s been hard to stop being selfish. So, less focus on myself, undoubtedly would be a good thing.

No matter if you make goals for the new year or continue on your day to day living, I hope each and everyone of you have a beautiful start to your new year. Maybe that’s what it’s more about. The “hope” of something new, a fresh start, the hope that this upcoming new year will be different from the last.

God willing {for everyone} it will be…

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It will change you

I wonder if the creator of any social media site knew the magnitude of what they were doing. Back before all the major sites, I can remember uploading all my photos to kodakgallery{dot}com and sharing them with family, thinking it was the neatest thing to be able to do.

In a way, that was the start of it all {for me}. To connect and show and get closer to those far away, through a photo website. It all morphed into crazy when I obsessed over Facebook for years and then deemed it time to get off for good. I steered clear of weird myspace and deemed twitter 100% lame and then, I started blogging, and blogging made twitter cool. And darn, if I don’t do twitter and now instagram as well.

Because an iPhone is essential, and apps are vital to the iPhone’s survival, and I can’t very well be responsible for an iPhone’s demise and not have apps all because social media is the devil…

Ok, ok, social media isn’t the devil.

I’ve seen a huge change in me alone, thanks to the world of 24/7 “I will be all up in your business” websites. I question how some completely cut themselves off. Yeah, I ended Facebook but if I were being honest with you, (which I guess I’m about to be), my Facebook profile has been reactivated but only because I was forced to, to stay up on the latest information of a group I’m in. {apparently FB is the only way to get the information…and I suppose I’m a little bitter over it}. I only jump on a couple times a week to see what’s new in the group but that’s it.

I know a few people, a blogger specifically, who shut down her blog, hardly instagrams and hasn’t tweeted in well over a year…and she even has a BABY!! I mean, how does she refrain from sharing adorable photos of her BABY!??

That’s like an IG policy…
Once baby is identified in the womb, you will cease to photograph anything other than your belly (and food), and then hence to therefore, will IG your baby and nothing more.

Let me just say, babies are adorable and 78% of your photos I see of them are cute.

Being baby-less, I have to think outside my little box when I’m strolling down the street, because I want to share something other’s will like. Darn, I admit, I just want to be liked. Isn’t that was social media is all about? Being liked? …if not {willingly} stirring the pot from time to time…not me though, I’m not a pot stirrer (for the record).

Far too often, I think of cutting into my trip, my evening, my quiet moment of solitude with my man, to snap a photo to show you because somehow someway you’ll understand the story, and think it AWESOME.

Take this the right way… I need to stop thinking about you in these daily moments. I can’t!! but I need to, because its not about you, its about me needing to focus on the people there, the moment we’re having and the memory I created, not the memory I feel needs to be shared.

That’s what I feel social media has done to me. Tweaked my brain a bit more into a self-centered “I’m just the coolest being ever, here’s why” type, but really, didn’t I believe that well before these sites existed??

Besides all that, I’ve met some darn cool women through it all and I’m pretty stoked to have my twitter and instagram and blog because without them, they’d be doing their thing, I’d be doing my thing and our paths never would have crossed.

I just can’t imagine that happening, ya know?

Jenni's creation - Story of my Life

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Easier than I thought

I was surprised Saturday at just how easy it was to have everything cleared out of my apartment and on the truck. I was standing in the dining room with trash and traces of a ‘man’s’ move everywhere and didn’t feel much of anything.

A part of me thought I’d feel something. A little emotion, sadness, a tug at the heart, but it was weird. I just stood there with an indifference. The moving day was such a whirlwind. My Dad showed up at 6:45..thank goodness I was up and about already drinking my Dunkin’, and by 8 the first helper showed up. By 8:15, 4 more showed up and by 8:30 2 more. I was shocked so many gave up a part of their Saturday morning to help me move.

My friend provided the donuts and orange juice, along with my entertainment (the only other female with me), and the guys were able to knock the entire move out in an hour. It remained a fun day. Who can say moving day was fun and not stressful? Well, I actually can! This is a rarity, I do realize.

After strapping everything down nice and tight, we got started on the 1 1/2 hour drive, and though I felt guilty, I passed my Dad with the trailer on the freeway so I could drive ‘my speed’. 55mph doesn’t sit well with me. Only my Dad and I were around to unload everything into my storage unit, but we managed to complete it in a little over an hour and keep everything light. A Christmas miracle indeed. Especially when I saw my new dresser leg had a scuff and my couch had dust all over it. Biting the tongue comes in handy at this point.

Its hard to throw fits when I think of all the help I had that morning.

I went back to the apartment yesterday to finish off the cleaning to return all the keys, and again it wasn’t weird. After meeting with the landlord who gave me two thumbs up on the cleanliness, I walked through one last time for good measure and said goodbye.

..I said goodbye to an apartment. Ok, that’s weird, but its what I do.

After so much stress and being so overwhelmed, it was a relief to find I wasn’t attached to this place. Maybe deep down I always knew it wasn’t where I would stay, where I’d settle, so I never allowed myself to have that emotional attachment to it, who knows, but I closed the door one last time and didn’t look back.

I see a lot of new things. A lot of adventures and that fresh start I talk (to myself) so much about. This is it.

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Realizing it can wait

Remember the day when we all sat in the car and talked and played car games? Relied on big huge bulky maps of the entire country, separated by states, where you had to connect A5 to D2 to find your destination? When you called to let the person know you were just about to leave and wouldn’t talk to them until you pulled up in their driveway?

Since June, when I went to Milwaukee and didn’t take my laptop, I’ve felt a shift of sorts in my use of all my gadgets. I have a lot of them. The iPhone, iPad, iPod, Kindle, and my laptop. Overwhelming at times, not to mention confusing when I’m reaching for one and do a jerky arm move over everything because I can’t figure out which I’m going for.

Up until a few weeks ago, I was a master texter while driving. I can text without looking and drive with my knee like no one you’ve ever seen…until I looked down to proof read and see I was one letter over to the left and all my words were misspelled. So of course, I would then survey the road, ensuring no cars were coming toward me (because I made it a “rule” to not text when a car was about to pass me) and proceed to look down to fix all the mistakes.

I always told myself I should cut back on texting and driving. I should. But it was always too easy to grab it when someone texted. I’ve mentioned it before; I generally text a person immediately upon receiving their text. If I read it and don’t, I’ll forget to respond, so I don’t wait. I’m just about always available. Even phone. I have this thing where its hard letting a call go to voicemail.

Well, I have noticed that no matter how quickly I’ll write back, they can take up to 5, 10, sometimes 30 minutes to get back to me. Odd seeing how they just texted but its slowly sunk in these past couple weeks that its okay to wait. Its okay to let that call from that client go to voicemail at 8:30pm. It’s okay to read a text and not respond until the morning. And most importantly, its okay to not touch my phone when I’m driving.

Why? I honestly have to remind myself that the person who is texting me, or calling me took 15 minutes to write back. Or 3 days to return my call, and if they feel its ok for me to wait, then I know its ok for them to wait that 20 minute drive home to respond. Its not an emergency, its not life or death. It’s a silly text about a piece of paper, or a workout, or someone wanting to say hi.

They can wait.

For the past 5-6 weeks, I’ve made huge efforts to stop texting while driving. There have been a couple times I’ve done it but 98% of the time I wait. And you want to know something crazy? The people on the receiving end of my texts, haven’t complained one bit. Heck, I bet they didn’t even notice I took longer than normal.

Everything is at our fingertips now. GPS, video games, communication. There’s no need to wait anymore when all a person needs is to grab their smart phone and look it up while sitting in the car driving down the road. And there’s no need to map it out to such great extent as before. We can call the person on our way and say we’re coming and call them 10 minutes before we get there. And we can all zone out to our little video games, keeping us separate from our riding companions. Things are not the same as when we grew up.

I love my iPhone, but I miss those days of less. So I’m working on less. Less texting, less computer time, less zoning out just to zone out..and I have to say, its been pretty nice.

Have a safe weekend and remember, it really can wait.

via

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Marriage is horrible

Or so I keep getting told lately.
via

It saddens me there are so many married women (and men) out there who feel its necessary or even appropriate to “warn” single women from getting married. As if every marriage is going to be like their unhappy one.

I think a lot of people believe that about marriage. That it all goes to hell in a hand basket over time and there’s no way around it. So prepare for being miserable with the ol’ ball and chain.
{I do hate that saying}
It immediately sets you up for failure, in my opinion. Guys joke with other guys that all she’s going to do is drag you down, keep you from having fun and partying and…what? hookin’ up?

I don’t get it.

One girl…who ironically was the one calling me a “B” on Sunday, came up to me out of the blue and said, ‘you wanna see what marriage is all about?’ and showed me a text her husband sent her. It was an angry text laced with a pretty foul word. She walked away but not before mumbling, don’t ever get married!

A co worker of mine was on the phone with her husband in an argument and after hanging up said, ‘I hate my 'f****** husband!’ She said it just loud enough for me to hear in hopes I’d make a comment, but I walked away pretending I didn’t hear a word.

I’m not going to encourage you to trash talk a man I’ve never met in my life because you had a disagreement.

Another woman who’s been married before is in a long distance relationship with her boyfriend. He’s about 3 hours away and she was saying how she only sees him every 2-3 weeks and a few days at a time at that because after a few days, she can’t stand him anymore and wants to go home.

People laughed but I find it far from funny. Why be with him then!?

I can’t wait for marriage. I’m realistic, I know there’s going to be ups and downs (as evidenced in my dating relationship with G-man) and its going to take work, some days more than others and loads of communication but darn if I don’t look forward to it all…and darn if I have the confidence to pull it off, rather successfully I might add.

So many married couples don’t respect each other anymore. If they did they wouldn’t happily bash their husbands to all their girlfriends. Getting the proverbial “amen” when they tell another, ‘I hate when my husband does…’ story.

In all the years I’ve been with G-man, never once have I bashed him to any of my girlfriends. If I don’t have something cheery to say, I just don’t speak. It does our relationship no good to do that. Believe me, I’m not a saint by any means. I’ve had things I’ve wanted to say but it isn’t worth harming my friendships or relationship.

Any way, I can’t figure out what makes a person want to trump someone’s happiness in their marriage? You know there’s those who, once you say how happy and great your marriage is, scoff. Give you that look of disbelief and say, ‘just wait. you’ll sing a different tune soon enough.’ What do they gain from that? Are they jealous? Are they wanting to bring you down to their unhappiness level??

I hope more women stand up for their marriages and their husbands. If they’re unhappy, to actually talk it out with their husbands and no one else to hopefully make a step toward change. Who wants to be miserable their whole life?

Have you had someone give you that speech or similar? Telling you it won’t last. The honeymoon phase will fade quickly.

What are some ways you respond?

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Its only a number

In many ways, I act my 30 years. I’m mature (most of the time), I now hold a secure job, (for any newcomers, I’m not a dead beat. this is what I used to do) and I don’t party, get wasted or go clubbing.

Yet, in so many ways I feel so so very young.

I didn’t realize years ago, that at 30, I’d still feel like a baby. I thought 30 was old. It was the age a person was in their ‘prime’. When I hear someone say they’re 35, I think they’re so much older than me because I feel as if I have a long way to go.

I’m getting wrinkles, no doubt about that. And definitely more gray hair, but when I look in the mirror, I still see this young girl that looks all sorts of gawky. Every hair washing night, I put my hair in braided pigtails and stare at myself marveling over how I’m supposed to be ‘old’.

I’m 30 but I still sport the ‘tails’ during the day….
I’m 30 and I still get called a dork. And still get asked if I’m in college.

A blogger said, she read an early 20’s blogger say she believed 30 was middle aged. Now that’s plain immature. I don’t know if she was joking when she said it or completely serious but it got me thinking that its really only a number and as corny as it sounds, you’re as young {or old} as you let yourself feel.

I don’t know what point I’ll start to really feel my age. I hope no time soon, but at some point, I know it’ll creep up on me.

For now, I’m enjoying being 30 and knowing its an incredibly young age. That what I thought 30 would be when I was younger is even better than what I could have imagined. Its not a doomsday number. Its not depressing or life ending. To me, I see it as a time for maturity.

I had a great run at my 20’s, accomplished a lot even, but 30’s is something entirely different to me. I’m still figuring it out but I look forward to what’s to come. I know I’ll still be gawky and most of the time awkward but it’ll be fun none the less to see what they’ll bring.

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Kids and birthdays

Today is one of my nephews birthdays. Not just any ordinary birthday…today marks double digits for this guy! 10!

I’m realizing I don’t have a current picture of him. I think he’s 6(ish) here.

Remember when 10 was a huge deal? You’re double digits, its only the hugest moment ever!! …well, until 13…then 16…and 18, ok and 20, 21, 30… Yeesh, it never ends, I guess. But I did the appropriate card, as a good auntie should do, and I’ve been wondering about kids and birthdays, and what you all as aunts {uncles} and momma’s think.

I have 10 nieces and nephews so it seems a birthday is always coming. Before when there were a lot less and they were a lot younger, I dropped the ball. I never called (cause seriously…they couldn’t even speak) and I wouldn’t send cards…they couldn’t read… and even though I felt bad, I felt it was a waste of my time and money.

*hangs head in mild shame*

About 2 or 3 years ago, I resolved to be better and at least send them a card. And if I could, a text to my brothers/sister for the little one. I’ve been really good and consistent but still struggle with the ones that are turning 1 or 2, if a card is really necessary and really! do my brothers and sister even keep the cards? Or just throw them away.

hard to say

I’m noticing that they appreciate when I send their kids cards because their kids are so happy to be recognized on their birthday. I forgot how important birthdays are to kids. How much they matter. Once I was reminded of that, I realized how much a call was equally important to them and now resolve to make that call as well.

But they aren’t doing it for their nieces or nephews. They {general ‘they’} complain their kids aren’t getting birthday attention, but choose not to send cards to everyone else’s kids. How is this fair? Personally, I believe it you aren’t willing to take the time to send cards to other kids, you shouldn’t be upset if others aren’t sending your kids cards.

Maybe I’m off base, who knows, but me being kidless is offering up her kidless opinion of tough cookies if you aren’t willing to do it yourself.

So parents, I open it up to you. Do you get upset when family/friends don’t send your kids birthday cards or call them on their birthday?

Do you send your nieces/nephews/close friend’s kids birthday cards or call them?

Do you throw the cards away?

and a semi on topic/off topic question. Do you let your kids open the birthday card the day it arrives? Or make them wait for their actual birthday?
- I was surprised to learn my brother and sister in law let them open the cards the day it arrives, even if its 5 days before their birthday.

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Changes within me

I’ve been going through some changes. No, not the kind of changes where I believe just by taking medication to deepen my voice and that gives me facial hair to make me a “guy”, while getting pregnant just so I can be called the ‘first man to have a baby’ when in all actuality still have lady parts to carry said child…

but the kinds that involve my personality.

sorry, that really bothers me! She’s a woman!

I’ve been around some new people lately. A lot of new people. And with being around new people come the challenges of personality blending. Sometimes it becomes very easy for me to click and fit right in, but its not always a good thing.

My new personality has been grating on my nerves. The majority of the new people are women and there’s a large amount of women who shine in the gossip division. Or talk behind your back division. I don’t do this and generally don’t encourage them, but sometimes I get that pull to want to know more. So I’ll think of ways to round about ask without showing complete interest.

Because I think, I have to know this for the future..it could be beneficial for myself, so I can be prepared.

Oh the lies we can be filled with to believe its ok to gossip about others! ..and did you know that even though you aren’t contributing to the gossip with words, you’re still gossiping by listening??

But not only that, I’ve found I’ve created this Valley way of speaking. I caught myself doing it all day the other day. Like I’m some sort of valley girl. I can hear it in my head and it makes me cringe. After every sentence I would mentally kick myself, thinking they probably think my IQ has dropped with each word.

Then there was the group of tweens that I came across and I talked like them. It was like an out of body experience watching myself say, ‘hey guys!’ ‘cool!’ all while talking it this high pitched voice! I wanted to gag, I was so disgusted.

I don’t know why I’m doing this but only to think I feel the immediate need to fit in, when I absolutely would rather be myself but myself isn’t letting me do that.

Such a conundrum!

I’m desperate for a balance of it all and in time, I know it’ll come but this me that I’m portraying is enough to never want to be friends with her. Too plastic for my liking.

Do you find when you’re around a new group of people that you change a little bit?

If it does, do you eventually fall back into who you are, or keep with your new persona since it fits better with that group?

Or do you stay true to who you are from the beginning?

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A fruit who muses

Thanks to someone I’ll leave unmentioned but who’s name starts with a T and ends in a –atiana- inadvertently calling me a “fruit” after my post Monday, I will no longer be using the highly intellectual sentence, ‘how do you do.’ I have officially retired it and have chosen to go with the obviously normal sentence, ‘how are you.’
I hope you’re happy.

Although… I’ve noticed a word that’s getting said frequently out the mouth that is mine, and that is “boo.” Not…BOO, I scared you! but boo as in:

Boo, I bought a gallon of skim milk instead of my 2%….or

Boo, I missed G-man’s call.

Do you get the point? What? You want another example? Okay…or

Boo, 10 bees just splattered on my freshly washed windshield. (I live around a bunch of orchards that harvest with bees.)

Ok, so, you get the point, right? So onto my musings. There’s been a lot lately and I feel like I should impart my muses…musI…musings??? onto you.

KIDS! We all love them, but we don’t love them when they don’t look both ways to cross the street to chase after their ball that got away from them. It was like out of a movie…yesterday, driving along when I see the ball roll out into the street. I stop waiting, knowing a kid will soon follow and 2 kids (around 6 and 4) run after it. Don’t even look both ways, just takes off. They never saw me sitting there. Darn kids!

Speaking of driving. Where’d all the nice drivers go? No one acknowledges each other anymore. No, “thanks for letting me in” wave or “thanks for pulling over so I could squeeze by” way or “sorry, I didn’t see you there” wave. Nothing. Just ‘grrr leave me alone, get out of my way’ mentalities. I want the nice drivers back!

I’ve realized when most women ask for my ‘honest’ opinion they really don’t want it. Because when I give it, they get all mad, offended and huffy at me for speaking the truth, and it’s even given gently. Don’t ask for my honest opinion if you don’t want to hear it. know what I’m sayin’? And that goes for when you ask your man. Be prepared for his answer, HE. WILL. GIVE. IT and stop being so offended. sheesh.

Ladies, it’s OKAY to be vulnerable with your man. Really! He actually likes it when you are. It’s ok to cry to him. It’s ok to share what’s troubling you. It’s ok to reveal what’s been taking root in you and beginning to fester. If he’s anything like the man you believed he was when you got with him, he’ll take care of you, treat you kindly and respect what you have to say. And ladies…when he asks you, “what’s wrong” because he really doesn’t know (because you kept it to yourself all this time and are starting to snap at the kids, him and anything that moves)…don’t say, “nothing, I’m fine.” Tell him. How can he help lighten your burden if you never tell him your burden is overwhelmingly heavy?!?

Which brings me to my final musing…communication. You hear the word all the time and know it’s important in a relationship, but how many actually communicates with their partner? We all hate confrontation…but don’t you hate the stress of holding something in because you think it’s better to hold it in until you “let it go”?? Which by the way, you never ‘let it go.’ It sits there and you think about it constantly. Letting it make you angry all over again as you replay it in your mind. Creating imaginary fights over it and getting angrier.

Communication is SO SO important to have a happy and healthy relationship. If he does something that bugs you, tell him and move on. If you aren’t good at it, write it in an email. Take your time getting the right words out and send it to him so he knows what’s bothering you.

A girl did a post about how she hates confrontation inside and outside her marriage and I truly felt compelled to email her my story. About 3% of you actually know my story, so maybe I’ll share the email I sent one day, but know I hated confrontation. It terrified me. And because of it…I suffered.

Now if you want to say (as some have said to me) I don’t know what it means to communicate with a husband because I’m not married, so therefore my advice means nothing to you…I will respond with, “Do you see a male OBGYN? He doesn’t know what it’s like to pass a kid. Why do you take your dog to the vet, when he isn’t an animal?” It’s stupid. Just because I’m not married doesn’t mean I can’t give sound communication advice to a married person.

The communication musing has been lingering in my mind for awhile. I’ve offered help with a couple bloggers out there who have a hard time with it and I’ve gotten a good response from them. If I can help one take the step to get over their fear of communicating then that makes me very happy.

I’ll leave you with a pretty picture I took in L.A.

Happy June by the way!!

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