Bruises and hangers

I have bruises all over my arms and legs, but that’s what generally happens in a move. You bump things, carry heavy boxes and get some scrapes too along the way. 4 years I lived in the same place. The longest I’ve ever lived in one place in my entire adult life. I didn’t expect to be here this long, but regardless, its come to an end on almost 4 years to the day.

I’m fighting back tears and I’m sure as I keep typing, they’ll eventually fall because this whole process has been incredibly overwhelming, emotional and stressful. Not to mention humbling. So very humbling. 2 days before actually moving, I cried a lot. I was so overwhelmed by everything still left to be done. Boxes, trash and large amounts of my stuff all strewn over darn near every inch of my floors. I’m a very clean and tidy person and having everything everywhere was more than my brain could handle and I broke down often that day.

I never knew it but hangers are my Achilles heel. My complete undoing. I walked away from packing my many hangers at least 4 times, my brain couldn’t take it anymore. I was left staring at them, just staring at them blankly and eventually would walk away defeated.

They defeated me that day.

The day before the move was a completely different day. It was as if all the trauma and drama of the day before hadn’t even happened. I was functioning, positive and able to make progress little by little. Not to mention conquering the hangers and even taking it in stride when they started fighting back.

Only a few knew I was moving. And many of them, I told mere days before leaving when I’ve known it was coming for weeks. It was hard to talk about. A failure of sorts, though I know I’m not a failure, its still hard not to think so. It got to a point where I had to face the facts. I was looking for jobs everywhere but where I was living, and I had virtually nothing coming in since quitting my job, so why stay in an apartment I couldn’t afford any longer?

I chose to quit my job, I chose to put myself in this situation and I chose to accept my parents offer to stay with them until I found the job that would help me get back on my feet. They didn’t have to do that. They could have ‘taught me a lesson’, and refused to take me in, since this is all my doing, my choice. And I’m thankful to them for not.

I’m not a freeloader. I’ve told myself that over and over again. (I’ve read that sentence over and over again) I’m not. This is only temporary. I believe it. My parents believe it, its only temporary.

It’s still hard. Its going to be hard for them. Its going to be hard for me. Its going to take some adjusting. I’ve been on my own since I was 21. Lived by myself for 6 1/2 of those 11 years. We all have our own way of doing things, so there will be a learning curve for all of us as I get settled in.

Once this all settles, I hope to pick things back up here. I’m hoping so, any way. I have some fun things coming up, so I’m looking to turn my heaviness that’s been lurking here for awhile into a much lighter space.

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31 things I’m thankful for …well almost

Last day. This is the very last day I will ever be 31. Can I say it goes by fast? That the years fly by and I hardly know what age I am and often have to stop and think? And a lot of the times, I have to think of how old my siblings are and subtract backwards to figure out my age.

Its true. We’re all 2 years apart. (this is the year of the “evens”)

I’ve wished this month away, which is rare because this is “my” month. I normally love, enjoy and bask in the month of July, but this year, it has been a very tough one for me. One I’ve wished would zoom through so I can get into August because that would mean time is actually moving along and not at a complete standstill as its felt. I swear I’ve endured 2 months worth of time in this one, not even finished, month, its felt that long for me.

I’ll admit, my 30’s have not been anything like what I thought they’d be. So so different and the constant adjustments that have been made and still being made are always throwing me for a loop and keeping me on my toes where half the time I feel like I’m just getting back up only to fall back down again.

One thing I’ve found as I go through the years is its so tiring focusing on the negative. And being constantly negative. Pointing this out. That out. This is wrong. That is wrong. It’s a work in progress, but focusing on the positive, even if its miniscule and spinning a crappy moment or thought around to good, has been my goal the past year and more so the past few months.

Instead of focusing on the fact the chicken juices leaked all over the fridge and I have to spend time cleaning it; I do it quickly and focus on the fact my fridge is now squeaky clean and darn, I never would have cleaned it if it hadn’t been for the chicken.

So, even though this month has been a rough one for me, there have been so many great things going on. Things I still don’t see yet, things God is doing that I know will blow my mind when they happen, things that will have everything come together for His good.

I’m getting nudges to make changes. Nudges that are going to put me way out of my pride and comfort zone. That are both humbling and relieving. They frustrate me and have me feeling lost at times, but all I do (as best I can) is focus on Him nudging me. Because I know He doesn’t steer me wrong. ever.

I have such generous friends and family in my life and they’re a huge part of why I’m thankful for my last day at 31.

1. My parents. The things they’re so willing to do for me, and offer me, and extend to me. 1,000 thanks will never be enough.
2. Casey who sent me the perfect birthday gift of Dunkin coffee and a mug.
3. My friend who took me out to lunch yesterday for my birthday and made me feel special.
4. The unconditional love and support from G-man.
5. $3 flower arrangements from Trader Joe’s.
6. The ability to have real, honest conversations with this girl and this girl...and never to forget this girl.
7. Knowing I have friends so eager to see me, and offer to help make the trip happen. that’s all you, Myrtle.8. G-man sending me unexpected encouraging texts at just the right moment, when it would seem otherwise impossible.
9. The support of friends on Saturday and the fun that came of it.
10. New recipes even if they don’t turn out like the pictures.
11. God blessing me with the ever growing talent and passion of photography.
12. Making others cry…in a good way.
13. Bible studies with friends
14. My sister’s kind heart
15. My new schedule each day
16. Working out consistently
17. You. For all of you few who’ve stuck around with me and my blog these days.
18. Finding out I have perfect color vision. Eyes aren’t quite failing me like I thought

..and you know what? I’m gonna stop there. Not because I can’t think of 31 things, because I could just ramble off the most random of stuff, but because some things are meant to stay quiet behind the screen.
just woke up but enjoying my Dunkin’.

On this last day, I will eat lots of cookies and prepare myself for staying up until 3:02am to ring in the new year.
that or set my alarm for 3:02…we’ll see what happens.


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Start in the middle

Hi friends..

Did you know its my birthday month? We’re already in the middle of the month and this is the first time I’m mentioning it.. this is in stark contrast to last year where I informed you daily and well before July even happened. But this year feels different. More reserved. More quiet. More up in the air.

I took a hit with the position I’ve been vying for these past 2 months over the weekend, and I didn’t think I wanted to talk about it, and I kind of still don’t, but the gist of it is, they have the same retirement company I do, and if I want this job, I have to forfeit my disability retirement and full coverage health insurance to do so.

And I just can’t. I can’t do that. So over the next couple days, maybe even today, I’ll inform them to remove my name from their list. Out of roughly 50 who tested, I made it down to the top 7, so I’m quite sad about this. I knew I had the job. But I’ve worked hard on keeping my eyes on Jesus knowing there’s something more. I didn’t feel the push and confirmation to quit my job only to meet a brick wall. So I’ve begun climbing it and know I’ll make it over and have everything work out and for His glory.

I’ve found myself a little more emotional than normal. Lots going on in my life, beyond the struggles of finding another job, there’s been so much more that leaves me on the brink a lot. I found what I think is my new tradition to help. I turn on “solo piano” on Pandora and play it over my Bose speaker to softly fill up my room. Nothing else on but the music. I can see me in the winter sipping something warm with my fireplace and blanket, completely relaxed as the music plays. It’s so soothing. But it seems even the music can bring tears to my eyes, so I can’t seem to escape it all together.

Today I get to see the little baby I photographed coming into this world 4 weeks ago. This will be the first time seeing her since her birth, so I know it’ll be a special moment for me.

Thank you to those who were praying for me this weekend, and who still are and for comforting me as you did. You all are incredibly special to me.

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What’s your worth?

Do you sit at a desk day in and day out and think to yourself, I deserve more than this. They don't pay me enough for what I do. Or. I'm worth so much more than this pay?

Its a struggle not being defined by the mighty dollar. I sit here at my desk every day and there are days I have a hard time justifying any pay at all. Its an easy job. Not just easy, its cake. I took a job ran by someone who couldn't handle it, and completely changed it into a well running position. So much so that I never have any work to do. 

When I say never.. I mean never. If there's any, I do it in a matter of 30 minutes. That leaves me approximately 7.5 hours left in my day for... other things? They told me when I was hired that I was 'overqualified'. I'm sure many of you who've had to endure a job interview has heard that before. But at that time I was so desperate for a job. I needed a company that would hire me and teach me something new, something different from a prison.

You'd be surprised how few there were that would even give me a chance once they saw my previous career was as a Correctional Sergeant for a maximum security prison.

None, in case you're wondering.

Except this one. And God had His hand in it, I know that for a fact. They gave me a chance, let me learn a whole new field and said they had so much "growth" for me. I'm overqualified, but I had what they were wanting. So I jumped on it. I accepted the low wage and brought order and peace to the office and within a couple weeks had everything cleaned, sorted and organized to the point of reducing the workload to 30 minutes a day.

I think back to the day I began throwing away papers and phone books that were from 2006 and some in the office panicking. Who is this girl who thinks she can just come in and change everything!? I had them blatantly whisper about me 4ft away, making it obvious, turning their backs with their hands blocking their lips, but say loud enough ‘I miss the way the other girl did things.’ To now, them loving my order and structure and calm I bring to the office. I even have some who value my business decisions for them, and will seek me out before acting on their choices and I think.. I’m worth more than what they’re paying me.

I have so much more to offer, but there’s that doubt, what if this is as good as I can get? When a co worker who wants to hire someone and pay them the exact same amount of money I’m making, say, ‘I get what I pay for’ in the quality of work, I question if I’m viewed “as good as what they’re paying me”.

This position this past year has been an incredibly big pride check for me. Having a position that’s viewed as lesser to some…to me even, hasn’t been easy for me. I want to scream to people who come into our office that I’m more than this! I am so much more than you think! But it doesn’t matter. I know it doesn’t matter.

Over the past couple months, I’ve struggled quite a bit with this and trust me, I know my value isn’t monetarily, or in possessions or anything the world has to offer, I know its in Christ and Christ alone. It’s one of those struggles where I know I’m not alone, but feel alone in. Where its embarrassing to talk about and one I hope never gets brought up with old friends I may run into. But one where I’m grateful for because I’ve learned so much that will equip me for the future.

Finding that balance. That’s where I struggle most.

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“shoe” me the way

I’m so glad its Monday. You know why? Because a week from today, I’ll be sitting on my couch, well after 8, in my pj’s, under my flannel blanket next to the fireplace still sipping my coffee. 3 day weekend, I eagerly wait for you.

So many things happened over the weekend, I can’t even tell you all.. but I will tell you this. At some point I’ll learn my lesson. I posted a picture on IG over the weekend, looking for (I’ll admit) some sympathy. A woman flat out told me my shoes were ugly and that I should go buy new, more interesting shoes. I was pretty deflated. Me and the others all looked down at my black flats in sadness. One girl said, ‘well they look comfortable.’ but we all know that’s just code for ‘ugly’, so it didn’t really help.

Thing is, they really are comfortable. Not only that, they’re some of the few pairs that I can actually wear. I’ve had 6 surgeries on my feet and I’m incredibly limited in what can go on them. Flats or sandals or even flip flops are very tricky and difficult to find because my feet are hyper sensitive from all the nerve damage.

I have a pair of {once} really nice Italian leather boots. They’re slouchy, flat, and incredibly comfortable. But they’re falling apart. The lining on the inside has torn completely away and I have to grab it, in order for my foot to slip past it. The heels are separating from the back of the shoe and its embarrassing wearing them knowing people can see them falling apart, but I haven’t been able to find another pair of boots that my feet can stand being in for long periods of time, so I continue wearing them.

I still have a lot of issues with my feet. There are times nothing and I mean nothing can touch them. They swell, burn from the inside, ache, throb, and give off some really great sharp pains, and as much as I would love to have more interesting pretty shoes…even heels, I can’t. And I hate it. I don’t feel pretty in flats. I feel like I can’t walk pretty anymore like I used to. I don’t glide, I clod hop now and it makes me cringe seeing my reflection as I’m walking.

I explained to this woman that I’ve had surgeries which keeps me from wearing ‘nicer’ shoes, and she even went so far as to get her cheetah flats 1 whole size too big, for me to wear, but her like many others, don’t quite get it.

Now, in case you noticed, I took the IG picture off because there is a chance she may find me on IG and see all that I said, along with others, and well, I should know better than to talk about others so openly like I did. I know I’m bringing it up here, but its more so to explain where I am with my feet’s recovery and the stuff I have to deal with and accept with my feet. It hurt my feelings and it certainly wasn’t called for, especially in the manner she said it, but I shouldn’t have said what I said on IG.

I joked yesterday that I was going shopping for new shoes, which I did, only I bought sneakers..because you know, I can wear those.. there were so many pair of amazing boots and pumps I wanted to wear. I even tried some on and before I could even stand up from the chair, my foot was in pain. So I gave up and moved onto far better things. Clothes! 2 tops, a sweater and a pair of black pants later, I was set and happy.

Have you had to give something up due to a medical issue?

How did your weekend fair?

I should also say that this s’more brownie bake also helped dull the pain..yum times a thousand! Graham cracker crust, brownie with toasted marshmallows on top. Someone make this for me now!

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In all honesty

Where have I been lately?

Maybe you've wondered this the past couple months, maybe you haven't even noticed, but I haven't really "been" here for awhile. To me, I think its obvious with my quality of posts lately, not to mention the lack of. I'm in this abnormal groove these days where it leaves me out of sorts. Kind of withdrawn, kind of uninteresting, and kind of indifferent to things. {lost another follower on twitter?? meh, oh well.. not getting nearly the comments on the blog that I used to?? well, can't really blame them w/what I'm writing about..}

My routine is the exact same every single day. As I'm sure yours is. Its not worth mentioning that I was asked to take on someone else's position in the office so they can be fired, because I turned it down. Its not worth mentioning that I got a "title change" at work, not promotion, because they're reluctant to give me a raise past fifty cents, so I don’t feel I can call it a promotion. Its not worth mentioning that I go home every day and eat sometimes just broccoli alone for dinner, or that I have no motivation to make anything other than that and the occasional tuna sandwich.

I'm in this rut. This tiring emotionally numb rut and don't feel like you should be dragged into it. Its boring. Its mundane. Its made me not want to blog.

And that's the truth.

Come Saturday, I hope things will change around. I know they will, but its the waiting for it while simultaneously being content in the busy chaotic days leading up to it, that's what's important and not always easy to accomplish.

If you’re up for it, bear with me. I’m going to come out of this eventually, and when I do, I’ll have my fun self back full of stories. I just know it!

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Realizing it can wait

Remember the day when we all sat in the car and talked and played car games? Relied on big huge bulky maps of the entire country, separated by states, where you had to connect A5 to D2 to find your destination? When you called to let the person know you were just about to leave and wouldn’t talk to them until you pulled up in their driveway?

Since June, when I went to Milwaukee and didn’t take my laptop, I’ve felt a shift of sorts in my use of all my gadgets. I have a lot of them. The iPhone, iPad, iPod, Kindle, and my laptop. Overwhelming at times, not to mention confusing when I’m reaching for one and do a jerky arm move over everything because I can’t figure out which I’m going for.

Up until a few weeks ago, I was a master texter while driving. I can text without looking and drive with my knee like no one you’ve ever seen…until I looked down to proof read and see I was one letter over to the left and all my words were misspelled. So of course, I would then survey the road, ensuring no cars were coming toward me (because I made it a “rule” to not text when a car was about to pass me) and proceed to look down to fix all the mistakes.

I always told myself I should cut back on texting and driving. I should. But it was always too easy to grab it when someone texted. I’ve mentioned it before; I generally text a person immediately upon receiving their text. If I read it and don’t, I’ll forget to respond, so I don’t wait. I’m just about always available. Even phone. I have this thing where its hard letting a call go to voicemail.

Well, I have noticed that no matter how quickly I’ll write back, they can take up to 5, 10, sometimes 30 minutes to get back to me. Odd seeing how they just texted but its slowly sunk in these past couple weeks that its okay to wait. Its okay to let that call from that client go to voicemail at 8:30pm. It’s okay to read a text and not respond until the morning. And most importantly, its okay to not touch my phone when I’m driving.

Why? I honestly have to remind myself that the person who is texting me, or calling me took 15 minutes to write back. Or 3 days to return my call, and if they feel its ok for me to wait, then I know its ok for them to wait that 20 minute drive home to respond. Its not an emergency, its not life or death. It’s a silly text about a piece of paper, or a workout, or someone wanting to say hi.

They can wait.

For the past 5-6 weeks, I’ve made huge efforts to stop texting while driving. There have been a couple times I’ve done it but 98% of the time I wait. And you want to know something crazy? The people on the receiving end of my texts, haven’t complained one bit. Heck, I bet they didn’t even notice I took longer than normal.

Everything is at our fingertips now. GPS, video games, communication. There’s no need to wait anymore when all a person needs is to grab their smart phone and look it up while sitting in the car driving down the road. And there’s no need to map it out to such great extent as before. We can call the person on our way and say we’re coming and call them 10 minutes before we get there. And we can all zone out to our little video games, keeping us separate from our riding companions. Things are not the same as when we grew up.

I love my iPhone, but I miss those days of less. So I’m working on less. Less texting, less computer time, less zoning out just to zone out..and I have to say, its been pretty nice.

Have a safe weekend and remember, it really can wait.

via

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Put a lid on it

Ladies, I’m blown away by your comments on yesterday's post. Truly blown away. I loved how passionate you all got on the topic and not only that, how passionate and committed you are for your husbands! I love it!

I have so much to learn from all of you. You guys are a well spring of knowledge!

I realize I’m not the best example all the time. I get perturbed sometimes, way too easily. I mumble under my breath backhanded comments like a pro, and I judge. I say I don’t but I do..ok, I say I do. I work hard not to and fight the urge but it happens.

If there’s one thing that I need to learn that hasn’t quite caught on, that the wiser Emily refrains from, is sharing stories about co workers. And I’ll add on; random people I meet who may or may not have my cell phone number. Because there is that slight possibility, regardless of how much you don’t talk about your blog, they could one day find it.

How crappy would that be if they stumbled upon a post and realized it was about them? Pretty crappy.

Tuesday night I had a bit of a scare that I think darn near set me straight. I had 2 new followers on instagram. First thought was, great! new followers make me smile. But once I saw who they were I got a bit confused how they found me.

They are both in real life acquaintances…that I never shared I was on instagram, let alone my name on there. One, I was ok with, but the other…well the other I’ve kinda been openly sharing certain stories about this week…

*hangs head in shame*

I swear, I’m a horrible example. Never take after me.

Who knew you could open your contacts in Instagram and find who has an account??! I sure didn’t! Until Tuesday. I can only hope no one feels the need to look through my old photos showing my blog.

I’ve pretty much learned my lesson. It goes back to gossiping without using names, its still gossiping. I hate when I’m guilty of the things I blog about saying I’m not going to do.

Feel free to chastise me vehemently.

                                             this is a, reflect on what you just learned ‘deep thoughts’ picture

Have a good Deep Thoughts caption for this picture? do share!

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I got botox

via kissmekwik

It’s true. It’s true, I got botox, and I loooooooove that I did!

I suppose I should explain since I’ll be bursting many bubbles here. It wasn’t botox cosmetic, but just botox. Did you know there’s 2 different kinds? “Botox cosmetic” is the face freezing muscle kind. “Botox” is for everything else. Feel free to read all about it on the mayo clinic's website.

So why would I possibly need botox and why would I ever go through with such a horrible thing?? {as some may see it} Because this girl here has suffered with an embarrassing thing called excessive sweating for over 15 years. When I say excessive sweating…I mean excessive sweating. Running down the side of my body excessive.

Paint a nice picture for you? You’re welcome.

And with excessive sweating comes its morbidly embarrassing constant companion…smell. I did everything I could think of to help this issue. I switched to men’s deodorant for years, but it did little to help, though it was far better than women’s…and cheaper too! Seriously, I didn’t realize we pay twice the amount for 1/2 the size for women’s deodorant! What a crock! – I digress.

I used the extremely painful ‘stop sweating’ roll ons w/lots of aluminum that left me burning for days. I did everything imaginable… remember G-man and my first date? With the napkins?? Yeah, who wants to smell on the first date!!?

So when I talked with my amazing Dermatologist about my ever so sensitive issue, she assured me botox would fix everything! I was quickly on board. Others in my life *cough* G-man *cough* weren’t so keen on the idea. But when a lot of our relationship revolves around me asking him to do the ‘smell test’ <that’s love, people!> …. I felt it was worth whatever risks there may be, because a girl can only take so much humiliation asking and changing of clothes, sometimes up to 3 times a day.

The confidence is pretty much non existent at that point.

Fast forward to the day. There I lay in the chair, with each underarm plastered with betadine and baking soda with 2 lamps pointed on each to promote as much sweating as possible. My view for over an hour.

Finally it was time. It was incredibly easy to get done, pokes in the left..pokes in the right, and bam all done. Virtually pain free. The botox weakens the action of the sweat glands, in case you’re wondering.

~I took pictures of my armpit afterward but I realized you probably have no desire to see an armpit, so I spared you. you’re welcome~

She said it would take up to a week to see the results and they'd be subtle, but friends, let me tell you by the next day I could tell. It is amazing! When I knew there should be “my” sweat, there wasn’t. Even by the end of the day, I still had a clean smell. I can’t even express to you how thrilled I was.

Do I still sweat? Yes. but as a normal person would, as I like to think of it. Its been 3 weeks and my confidence is through the roof. I’m back on women’s deodorant and enjoy smelling like a girl again. I enjoy being able to leave my arms at my side and not fear what’s brewing, or raise them high in the air and not have to do the quick smell test to see if I need to put them back down.

I’m beyond relieved I got this done. Its needed every 6 months, and all I can say is I’ll be enjoying every day of these 6 months until I get it done again and I’ll be enjoying those 6 months that follow.

The ultimate test was the plane ride to Milwaukee. Normally one of the worst moments for me as I have to take a back up shirt to change midway, but I passed with flying colors, I couldn’t believe the difference. I even stayed in the same top until 1am the next morning, I was blown away and truly thankful for this procedure.
                                                                                           my plane outfit


Tell me:
Would you ever get either botox? Which one?

Are you against getting any form of botox done?

There’s many different medical conditions that botox helps with, its not the superficial reasons many associate with it. Here's just a few.

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Eating for you

A couple of days ago I went to Costco to get some essentials. Not really anything to make meals, but food that I eat on a regular basis that I was completely out of.

If you follow me on instagram (emily_grapes) then you know what I got…cause don’t we all love to show each other our cart!?

I’m fighting not getting off on that tangent, so I’ll continue..

After I posted the picture, I looked down and realized I forgot the eggs! {drats!} but not only that, but the fact that what I was buying was healthy…minus that bacon of course, but that it wasn’t really food.

The full on nourishing food that my body needs. They were all more on the lines of sides. The crazy thing is, lately, that’s all I’ve been eating. A bunch of sides. Sure I made those enchiladas a couple weeks ago, but looking at my habits, I eat very sparingly. Or not even bothering because either I’m too worn out to cook something up or well, just plain lazy and ignore the hunger until its unbearable.

I definitely don’t recommend this. I know its not healthy and I think knowing that has me consuming the mountain of veggies that I do, to sort of combat that.

Years ago, I had a personal trainer who made me look at how many calories I was consuming a day. We discovered I consumed less than 1000 calories a day on average. less than 1000 calories a day!!

Now add the fact I was working out hard up to 5 days a week and carrying a physically demanding job 40+ hours a week that burned a lot of those calories. My body fat was below 11% and because of that, I had a lot of issues within. Things weren’t working properly and I was advised I needed to add at least 400 calories a day. That was so hard! I remember talking to a co worker who consumed close to 3000 calories a day, eating full meals every 3 hours, for help. This man was in great shape, believe it or not, so I knew I could trust him.

He really helped me out, giving me foods that had estrogen in it even, since my body wasn’t producing what it should. It took months, but I began to tell a difference.

Fast forward to today and I’m getting right back into that way of eating. Its never on purpose, it just happens. I do my small breakfast, to apples and peanut butter to whatever leftover lunch I have to usually broccoli and spinach in the evening..with maybe a sweet potato, if I have one…or just a chicken salad.

I know my calories are really low and maybe that’s why I have so little energy lately, but it is so hard, especially living alone to get myself to cook especially since I don’t have cheese in the house anymore. No more quick fix quesadilla or nachos.

I’m telling you all this, not to get on me, or feel anything for me really, but to tell you to not do this. They say the average women’s BMI (body mass index) should be around 18-24%. That’s healthy. And a woman my height and weight should consume from 1400-1900 calories a day to maintain. I can tell you now, that’s not happening.

Its so important to eat. Your body needs the calories to function. Even losing weight, you need to eat. Starving yourself only holds onto the fat you’re wanting to lose, so make sure you eat. I know I sound like a walking contradiction because I’m saying one thing and doing another, but I know what I’m supposed to do, I’m just not doing it because I’m dumb {a little known fact} so don’t be dumb like me..eat! and eat good healthy foods your body needs!

If this is something you struggle with to, let me know, maybe we could work together to make sure we eat what we need.

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A thankful me - 10

The reset button has been hit for the week. A new week brings new possibilities, new attitudes, new outlooks. And maybe even new opportunities. Who knows. We can all hope, though.

My weekend was subtle, quiet and done mostly alone. But I needed it. That sounds deep, dark and mysterious, but do you ever have those days where speaking is physically difficult? Where you don’t even want to move your mouth or hear your own words; you just want quiet? Silence?

That’s been me lately. Its been difficult to talk to others because I haven’t wanted to talk. For no other reason (please everyone near me, don’t worry) than just not wanting to utter a word. Its hard to explain but today’s Monday and I’m ready for it to change.

I’m thankful for:
- not being paralyzed. Its true. I woke up one morning, put both feet on the ground to walk to my blaring alarm clock and sunk straight down. Both legs had no feeling. I had to drag my body to my alarm, reach to turn it off and drag myself back to bed to wait for them to come back. Its happened only 1 other time, 6 years ago. They don’t tingle, they don’t burn from that ‘sleep’ feeling they just slowly become mobile again.
- the extra hour’s sleep I got as I waited for my legs to come back to me…that came back within minutes.
- understanding friends. Sometimes I’m amazed I have any.
- encouraging words.
- resisting the 2 different kinds of cheese dips at a party I went to Saturday. To say it was difficult was an understatement. She had the multi colored chips too. I love those chips!!
- the pickles I ate instead.
- God’s strength.

Yesterday, I was going through old pictures, deleting the superfluous buns ones (name that movie) and came across this picture.


When I took it I knew I wanted to work on it, but wasn’t skilled with editing yet, and kept it. I played around with it and wanted to get your opinion.

Would you yay or nay this? Either way is ok with me. Just curious.

I’m putting it out there for accountability. My broodiness is coming to an end, beginning today.
-what? you were broody??
- to the 10th power.

Its just sucking me dry. I’m going to get back into my regular workouts that I’ve taken 2 1/2 weeks off from and seek out a little bit of happiness daily. You have my full permission to smack me if I fall off track.

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How I kicked the nasty habit

I used to have an addiction. I’m not proud of this. A little ashamed, in fact. I think about the damage its done to my body over the years I ingested it, and cringe knowing I might never recover...


My addiction…coffee creamer.

Say it ain’t so!!? ..oh its so.

It started out normal. I grew up with milk, then 1/2 and 1/2 but as I became an adult, the choices were overwhelming. Vanilla, Hazelnut, Irish Crème, Cinnamon Vanilla…then all the holiday creamers…oh the possibilities were endless!!

But there was one. One that grabbed me and swore it would never let go. Cinnamon Vanilla. We were instantly in love. I spat out everything else. I took it everywhere with me to ensure the best coffee experience. People warned me of the risks, but I didn’t care. I was in love and no one could tell me otherwise.

Then one day, all the stores stopped selling it. It was like they were intervening. Meddling where they didn’t belong. I searched high and low, going into groceries stores I never would normally go, in hopes they would carry it. Not one did. I felt broken.

Until, on a whim, more than 120 miles away, I pulled into the parking lot of a store. My hopes were low as I walked toward the dairy section, and what did my eyes behold? My creamer. My beloved creamer in 2 whole rows! I grabbed 3, embraced them tight and ran to the cashier with a smile as big as can be.

Once my supply ran low, I returned to that same store 120 miles away and saw they didn’t have as many and feared they were beginning to meddle as well. I grabbed the last 2 and made my way home, looking in the backseat with adoring eyes at my 2 beloved creamers tucked tight.

It struck me not much longer after that, my possible addiction. I didn’t want to face it fully but knew I needed to acknowledge something was there. G-man was there to encourage me. Filling me with facts of my beloved creamers poisons all while rubbing my back, soothing me.

I started slow. Only using 1/2 the amount with heavy whipping cream. Then less, then less…until I was completely out and only had heavy whipping cream in its place. It took months to adjust but loved the flavor of coffee again, on its own. Then reality struck….heavy whipping cream wasn’t a great choice either.

With a heavy heart, I began the transition to 1/2 and 1/2. A slow slow process that again took months of fine tuning the right amount of sugar with it, to make me love it once again.

Now I’m hooked. 1/2 and 1/2 and I are best friends. We share our mornings together and laugh over the difficult days filled with withdrawals, but I’ll never regret my choice, my decision, to kick that nasty habit…nay…addiction that was flavored coffee creamer.

*if you face similar addictions, know you aren’t alone and that you have a support group standing by to help you through your difficult times ahead. Don’t let flavored coffee creamer rule you one more day.

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Last steps in a prison

I thought I was never going to step inside the fence of a prison again. But I was wrong.

Its been almost 1 1/2 years since I’ve had to walk beyond the walls, through the electric gates, past the towers and onto the grounds and come across inmates. There hasn’t been one day that’s gone by, I’ve missed it. Not one.

The difference with this is, I’ll be in civilian clothes. Not a uniform.


On Monday, when I originally planned on driving into work to finish being separated from the Dept., I was under the impression it was outside the walls, in the personnel trailers where I would sign here here and here, hand over my badge and take a ‘retired’ id picture. By 11, I was still waiting for her to call me back and when she did, she informed me I had to ‘check out.’

Checking out involves me going throughout the ENTIRE institution to get upwards to 30 signatures from various departments to ensure I turned everything in. This takes sometimes hours to do as everyone is not sitting at their desks waiting for me to arrive. It’s my responsibility to track each and every person down in order to have it be completed. (this is a very LARGE institution) and it was already too late in the day to start Monday.

I can’t explain to you how I felt when she told me I’d have to do this. It wasn’t fear, because I don’t fear walking around inmates. But I did have anxiety. Anxiety that made my blood rise and body shake. I started to sweat and fought back tears as I told G-man what I had to do. Fighting tears throughout the day as I thought about it.

For 1 and 1/2 years, I’ve let go of all that working in a prison had done to me. For 1 and 1/2 years, God has changed and softened my heart into what it is now. I no longer have the ‘street smart’ attitude (as G-man puts it), I’m nothing of what I once was and walking back into a prison is the last thing I, as I am now, ever thought I’d have to do.

The anxiety only built when I considered what to wear. I found myself fishing out my ‘manly’ sunglasses I used to wear to work; debating whether or not to wear makeup and throw my hair up in a bun. Stressing over which outfit to wear that didn’t hug any part of me, that was loose, possibly baggy since I can’t wear jeans and definitely can’t wear my uniform.

This is hard to explain to even myself why I reacted this way, let alone to you. But this job has taken a toll on me emotionally. For the first 2 years, I had almost nightly horrific nightmares that left me drenched in sweat and my heart bursting out of my chest. So vivid and real, I could tell you the majority of them, to this day. I even went and saw a therapist, they were affecting me that deeply. I’ve had men masturbate to me, call me the worst names possible, yell lewd and perverse comments in my direction, not to mention gestures, and have seen crime and murder scenes that put CSI and Criminal Minds to shame.

My work thumbdrive contains some of the most violent inmate on inmate murder videos that I used to watch and make my Officers watch, as “OJT” (on the job training) and now, I don’t know what to do with them. I can’t watch them anymore, they make me sick to my stomach.

I’ve changed. From head to toe, inside and out, I’ve changed. And I am so thankful He’s changed me out of what I once was and once was around.

I can’t express in words my true hatred for having to go back into the prison to check out. But I pray and beg you to pray that God leads me through there with a swiftness that only He could give. With minimal stress from inmates or staff who haven’t seen me in 1 1/2 years. All day Monday, I felt my attitude hardening in preparation. I do not like what prison does to me and I want to spend as little time there as possible.

Please pray that it’s so.

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What the bleep?!

Was that offensive to you? If I told you, in my head I actually said ‘bleep’, would that make it less offensive? No? Ok, I’m sorry.

My normal schedule of nothing all day every day is no more and I’m overwhelmed. Overwhelmed that just about every single day I have something going on that starts right at 10. Overwhelmed that I’m not home doing what I do normally but out and about. Overwhelmed at my impending schedule that will only get worse by 50 within a matter of days!

I’m organized. I kinda pride myself on it, but seeing my schedule go out the window has turned me into the most unorganized person and I’m…wait for it….overwhelmed! I don’t even know where to start. Make a list? Ok..but my mind just went blank! And when I actually think of something TO write down, I’m not in a place to do so.

Also, right now, I’m very tired of tap tap tapping out my lists on my iPhone. I’m longing for paper lists. To see, to achieve, to scribble out when done. Not this click, backspace backspace, click..’no auto correct, that’s not the word I want’, backspace, click click.

Then there’s my finances that’s overwhelming me more. Oy vey! Dear God, what have I done!? October was a stupid month. Stupid because I was stupid. I overindulged. Stupidly. With each swipe of my card..or in most cases, typing it out, because this girl has her debit card number memorized, that’s right… I knew it was wrong. I knew I shouldn’t get yet another thing. But I went and did it any way. Telling myself November will be better.

Now November is here. Now I have a very clear understanding of my finances. Clearer than October because my beer goggles are off and I can see the damage that’s been done. But the storm is still brewing. The damage is about to get a lot worse.

After 8 long months of calling repeatedly to my work specialist regarding the state overpaying me a lot of money and never hearing back from her…ever, she finally calls me earlier this week (only because I told her supervisor about her lack of job doing) and blames ME for never taking care of it. She blames me! SHE. BLAMES. ME! If I didn’t have someone in the car with me when she told me that, who knows what I would have said to her.

Regardless of all of that poo, its now expected I pay back the large amount Monday. Do we need to refer back to October to know how that’s gonna play out??

The day I got the call, my friend and I were on our way to practice shooting each other and lets just say I was a horrible model. Pretty much the majority of my pictures have this expression.

Or this and this..

Out of about 100 pictures, 80 have this blank stare. I made it for a fun day, I know it.

I realize I need to let God take care of everything. I have already have several verses go through my head about worrying, stress, giving it to Him. I know what needs to be done. I haven’t yet felt ready to give it over… Does that make sense? Like talking to Him is just the most difficult thing for me to do, right now.

I’m just being honest.

I had a far more upbeat post for today, where I officially introduced you to my new cowl (bought *cough in October cough cough), but this is me right now. I’ll introduce you tomorrow.

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I’m thankful for 31

Monday. It always wipes away everything from before and leaves you with a clean slate.

A new start to a new week, with hopes of a better turnout than the one before. That’s what I’m hoping for this day.

Last week was a tough one for me. The first full week I was back home from Hawaii. What possibly was, the longest week of my life. I’ve had long weeks before, but last week drug on like its never drug before.

During the many ups and downs, but mainly downs, I struggled to find the few things I was thankful for. But I did. Because I have amazing people around me, who filled up my time to keep the lonely thoughts temporarily at bay.

This week, I’m thankful for:

- my unusual busy schedule throughout the week.

- physical therapy for my feet. Finally getting started on it with a long ways to go. I admit, needing to explain to multiple therapists that each foot had a surgery with 4 affected areas making it a total of 6 surgeries in all, gets pretty annoying. They just can’t seem to comprehend the need for therapy on BOTH feet at once. But it’s a test a patience that I’m working through.

- my sweet friends who let me get my newborn baby fixes by letting me hold their 3 week and 5 week olds. My left bicep was sore for days afterward. ha!

- awesome skype conference dates with LeAnna and Tatiana. We “purposely” did a throw back to the 3-way phone calls only on skype since we weren’t able to video conference. What turned into a 15-20 minute max conversation, turned into a 2 hour one. Can’t wait to do it again, only with video!!

- all the twitter comfort during my boo hoo tweets. You all are the best.

My weekend faired a lot better. There’s nothing like getting in the word and talking it out with God to really help soothe my soul. Now it’s just a matter of staying close to Him so I won’t fall off the deep end again. That’s the trick.

Do you see Monday as a way to start fresh? To let things go and start over?

Psalm 139:23-24
Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me and know my anxious thoughts;
And see if there be any hurtful way in me, And lead me in the everlasting way.

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I once was a Sergeant

Believe it or not, I’m actually having a tough time with the realization that I’m not a Sergeant anymore. It’s who I’ve been for the past 2 years. An Officer for the past 7, and now I’m nothing.

As much as I hated telling people what I did for a living, I was mighty proud of being an Officer. Deep down I always got a kick out of watching their reactions, when I told them. And I admit, I’ve still been telling people I’m a Sergeant when they ask me or each time I’m filling out the dr.’s forms under occupation. I’m not ready to stop saying it.

On my 3rd day of ever working in a prison, I overheard an inmate say (ok, he actually said it loud enough for me to hear) that he doubted I’d last a year in prison. I would always think as each year passed, how much I wanted to tell him, ‘oh yeah?! Another year down, sucka!’ (that’s my holy and righteous side coming out, of course)

I grew so much as a person in these past 7 years. In good ways and in bad. I learned who I really was and just how strong I was as I faced all my different trials. How to stand up for myself. How to not have bright red ears for all to see when I had to confront an inmate. How to be able to get 200 convicted felons to do exactly what I said. (only took 1 month straight of screaming at the top of my lungs, but it worked!). I learned to have a voice. Have people respect me and in turn respect them.

Did you know inmates want to be respected?

I’m caught in this limbo where I don’t know who or what I am. I love not working. It’s an amazing blessing to be able to be out of the prison system. Yet, its also embarrassing when I tell someone I’m not working right now…and not married…and not a mom…It’s like they look at me like I’m a lazy no good for nothing. Someone my age should be working, if none of the above apply!

I hear how great others who I went to the academy with, are doing in their careers. Sergeants who are doing my dream job instructing at the academy. From day one I've always wanted to be an instructor at the academy. And in a way, I got to live it, only instructing at the prisons, all my fellow Officers, but it was short lived.

I know I’m lamenting a bit, but though I hated the job for the past 2 1/2 years, I loved the position. I’ve asked myself, if I’d stayed at the 2nd prison and didn’t transfer to my current one, if I would have been as miserable. And I think the answer would have been, no. Career wise, I had it made there. I could have gone far at that prison. But I chose to promote and transfer and relocate, leaving behind a golden opportunity.

I don’t like to dwell on that fact. I transferred because I was (and am) in love and knew it was the right decision for my relationship at the time. And I certainly don’t want to miss the fact that this is where God wanted me to be, I have no doubt of that. It just…likes to pop in my head from time to time.

At least I get to say I’m a “retired” Sergeant. That’s something, right?

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Its over! Its done! Its final! Its finished!

What I’m about to say is going to change my life forever.

have I mentioned I like to be a bit dramatic with news??
via

As you know, I’ve alluded to some super exciting news for the past week. Exciting to me, any way. If it makes you excited then shoot, let’s bask in this excitement together, shall we?

I have officially been approved for disability retirement! YAAAAHHHOOOOO!!
via

It’s over. No more wondering how much longer it will take.

It’s done. They’ve deemed me incapable of performing my duties anymore.

It’s final. They’ve approved me and filed the forms to medically retire me.

It’s finished. My career, after 6 months of waiting, is over. I’m officially no longer a Correctional Sergeant for the California Department of Corrections.

I can’t believe it’s finally over. It’s amazing how much God has shown Himself to me. How much I’ve learned to trust and rely on Him each and every month for everything. Money, food, strength, faith. Each and every time He delivered. Not to say I didn’t doubt or fear or plain freak out and question how I’d ever get through this time, but there He was faithfully providing for me and showing me He is plenty enough for me each day.

One major thing He taught me was learning to go from living with a $4500 a month budget to living with a $1400 a month budget. It still amazes me that I am completely content living with my new budget and stuns me that I used to spend $4500 each month. (a lot went into savings, I’m not a total spender) but I definitely was very free with my money. Anything I wanted at any time without thought. Now, if I happen to go into a clothing store, I have to figure that $30 I spent is taken out of groceries. I’m very conscious of what and how much I spend.

With this retirement, I’ll now be receiving a disability check and be blessed with insurance for as long as this disability goes on. As you may know, during this whole 6 month process, they weren’t allowing me to work and therefore have gone 6 months without any sort of pay. Knowing I’ll be getting retro paid for these 6 months will be a sweet relief.

Praise God for this. Truly! Once everything is all said and done, and I’m completely healed from this current surgery, I will finally be able to find a new job. (which terrifies me) The next couple months will be a very big transition in my life.

This is the whole reason I ever started this blog. To share the tough times, to ‘hope’ they’ll approve my retirement, to show all that God was doing in my life through it all. It’s been great looking back at some of those posts and seeing His work in my life.

So with this new chapter comes a new blog name and design, and what better way to do it but by winning an awesome giveaway!! I won a new header and button from wild and precious and can’t wait to change it all up. Yippy!! So keep an eye out for some changes in the near future. Kris from behold the metatron gets to change things up for me! I’m still working on a name. I can’t be ‘hoping’ and ‘crossing anymore bridges’ since I’ve crossed it. Yahoo!! But I’m thinking I may keep my URL, though I’m still deciding that. I always need to ‘keep the faith going’ so that just might stay. Any thoughts??

Thanks family and friends and all my new blogging friends for all your encouraging words and support through these past 6 months! I could never have done it without you!

via

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Shut it down

It’s been almost 2 weeks since G-man left and I’ve gone through a gamut of emotions.

It got me thinking if what I do when alone is the same as what others do, to cope. Shut down the heart, so to speak.

I’ve caught a couple other blogs where a wife can’t even sleep in their room while her husband is gone, so she sleeps in the guest room. Another keeps herself really busy to not think about him not being there.

I’m not exactly like them since; I’m not married, don’t share the same room and certainly don’t have enough to do in my day to make myself busy, but I do block things out. I get in my mind numbing routine that keeps all “G-man” thoughts out, because the moment they creep in I get down, lonely, sad and pouty.

I can’t stand to be around that girl. And if I can’t stand her, I know others can’t either. Sometimes, there’s nothing I can do about it. It takes over and sometimes I’ll let it, but for the most part I don’t like to dwell on memories. It’s just too painful.

Does anyone else do this when their loved ones go away for a long period of time?

Does anyone have any other ideas than ‘shutting down’ emotions? Sometimes I think it’s too harsh and cold to do. And as G-man said to me the other morning, I’ve been acting “disgruntled.” ((which is a product of my shut down))

If I can “conquer” this lava from the 70’s, I figure I can conquer this too.

Not the greatest picture, I know. But I thought it a little symbolic.
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Why when I'm so undeserving

I don't know why I do it, but every time I put God in a box. A small box at that, and each time He gets out and shows me how much bigger He is than the box.

I'm sure you see my blog is not about 1 specific thing. It's all about everything random and good, painful, sad and cringe worthy. The main theme, the reason I started it in the first place was to track my struggles. It's written on the right and in my about me so hopefully it doesn't come as a surprise when you see it coming through.

I've been having a very hard time lately with finances. I see my money leave my bank account and none coming in. I know in my heart, mind and gut that God will take care of me. God will provide for me. God will sustain me and though I know it, I'm not living it.

Grocery shopping leaves me depressed and down. I no longer go out. I no longer eat. I have no desire to cook so I'll go until 8pm most days without having eaten. I don't do it intentionally, it just happens. Part of me thinks if I don't eat the food I have it will last longer and I'll save money.

Tuesday I went shopping and was so discouraged over everything. The costco samples were my breakfast lunch and dinner...until 8:30 that night.

I prayed to God all day, asked others to pray for me to rely and trust in Him, to have me stop worrying about what will happen in the next 2 months when I have no money at all and have NO IDEA where the money will come from. I told God I needed a hug.

Yesterday my friend called me and said she prayed while looking through her phone for God to find someone who would watch her kids while she got her hair done and saw my name. She said she'd pay me. I said I wish I could say you don't have to pay me but I need the money. -my pride is being worked on.-

3 hours after that another friend texted me saying she needs a house/dog sitter for a week and she'd pay me to do it.

God is so faithful. I'm crying just thinking about how He is so gracious to show me, little ol' faithless Emily, that HE will take care of me, that He is my provider and He will support me over and over again. He doesn't need to prove Himself to me but He does because He loves me.

Jesus loves me this I know
For the Bible tells me so
Little ones to Him belong
They are weak but He is strong

I am weak but He is strong!

What turns my heart around and gives me the joy I know God wants me to have is having children recite Bible verses to me at AWANA. I went last night and hearing them tell me who God is and get excited when they say the entire verse to me really warms my heart. I can't wait to experience that with my own child. Working with them to memorize verses and talk to them about Christ...and then get rewarded by throwing pies in our pastors' face. haha

If you think about it, please pray for me. To trust in His strength and His provisions.

Matthew 6:26
And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life?

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