What the bleep?!

Was that offensive to you? If I told you, in my head I actually said ‘bleep’, would that make it less offensive? No? Ok, I’m sorry.

My normal schedule of nothing all day every day is no more and I’m overwhelmed. Overwhelmed that just about every single day I have something going on that starts right at 10. Overwhelmed that I’m not home doing what I do normally but out and about. Overwhelmed at my impending schedule that will only get worse by 50 within a matter of days!

I’m organized. I kinda pride myself on it, but seeing my schedule go out the window has turned me into the most unorganized person and I’m…wait for it….overwhelmed! I don’t even know where to start. Make a list? Ok..but my mind just went blank! And when I actually think of something TO write down, I’m not in a place to do so.

Also, right now, I’m very tired of tap tap tapping out my lists on my iPhone. I’m longing for paper lists. To see, to achieve, to scribble out when done. Not this click, backspace backspace, click..’no auto correct, that’s not the word I want’, backspace, click click.

Then there’s my finances that’s overwhelming me more. Oy vey! Dear God, what have I done!? October was a stupid month. Stupid because I was stupid. I overindulged. Stupidly. With each swipe of my card..or in most cases, typing it out, because this girl has her debit card number memorized, that’s right… I knew it was wrong. I knew I shouldn’t get yet another thing. But I went and did it any way. Telling myself November will be better.

Now November is here. Now I have a very clear understanding of my finances. Clearer than October because my beer goggles are off and I can see the damage that’s been done. But the storm is still brewing. The damage is about to get a lot worse.

After 8 long months of calling repeatedly to my work specialist regarding the state overpaying me a lot of money and never hearing back from her…ever, she finally calls me earlier this week (only because I told her supervisor about her lack of job doing) and blames ME for never taking care of it. She blames me! SHE. BLAMES. ME! If I didn’t have someone in the car with me when she told me that, who knows what I would have said to her.

Regardless of all of that poo, its now expected I pay back the large amount Monday. Do we need to refer back to October to know how that’s gonna play out??

The day I got the call, my friend and I were on our way to practice shooting each other and lets just say I was a horrible model. Pretty much the majority of my pictures have this expression.

Or this and this..

Out of about 100 pictures, 80 have this blank stare. I made it for a fun day, I know it.

I realize I need to let God take care of everything. I have already have several verses go through my head about worrying, stress, giving it to Him. I know what needs to be done. I haven’t yet felt ready to give it over… Does that make sense? Like talking to Him is just the most difficult thing for me to do, right now.

I’m just being honest.

I had a far more upbeat post for today, where I officially introduced you to my new cowl (bought *cough in October cough cough), but this is me right now. I’ll introduce you tomorrow.

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Why when I'm so undeserving

I don't know why I do it, but every time I put God in a box. A small box at that, and each time He gets out and shows me how much bigger He is than the box.

I'm sure you see my blog is not about 1 specific thing. It's all about everything random and good, painful, sad and cringe worthy. The main theme, the reason I started it in the first place was to track my struggles. It's written on the right and in my about me so hopefully it doesn't come as a surprise when you see it coming through.

I've been having a very hard time lately with finances. I see my money leave my bank account and none coming in. I know in my heart, mind and gut that God will take care of me. God will provide for me. God will sustain me and though I know it, I'm not living it.

Grocery shopping leaves me depressed and down. I no longer go out. I no longer eat. I have no desire to cook so I'll go until 8pm most days without having eaten. I don't do it intentionally, it just happens. Part of me thinks if I don't eat the food I have it will last longer and I'll save money.

Tuesday I went shopping and was so discouraged over everything. The costco samples were my breakfast lunch and dinner...until 8:30 that night.

I prayed to God all day, asked others to pray for me to rely and trust in Him, to have me stop worrying about what will happen in the next 2 months when I have no money at all and have NO IDEA where the money will come from. I told God I needed a hug.

Yesterday my friend called me and said she prayed while looking through her phone for God to find someone who would watch her kids while she got her hair done and saw my name. She said she'd pay me. I said I wish I could say you don't have to pay me but I need the money. -my pride is being worked on.-

3 hours after that another friend texted me saying she needs a house/dog sitter for a week and she'd pay me to do it.

God is so faithful. I'm crying just thinking about how He is so gracious to show me, little ol' faithless Emily, that HE will take care of me, that He is my provider and He will support me over and over again. He doesn't need to prove Himself to me but He does because He loves me.

Jesus loves me this I know
For the Bible tells me so
Little ones to Him belong
They are weak but He is strong

I am weak but He is strong!

What turns my heart around and gives me the joy I know God wants me to have is having children recite Bible verses to me at AWANA. I went last night and hearing them tell me who God is and get excited when they say the entire verse to me really warms my heart. I can't wait to experience that with my own child. Working with them to memorize verses and talk to them about Christ...and then get rewarded by throwing pies in our pastors' face. haha

If you think about it, please pray for me. To trust in His strength and His provisions.

Matthew 6:26
And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life?

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