Clearing my conscience

I have a confession. One that’s really hard for me to admit and put out there because everyone will now know the truth…

Someway somehow many many people got the impression that I know about every single gun that’s been made. People come to me, asking about guns, telling me about THEIR guns and look to me for advice, tips, pointers and thoughts when in all actuality, I know about 4 gun types. 4.

Remington 870 shotgun
Smith and Wesson 38 revolver
Ruger Mini 14 rifle
H&K P2000 sk 40cal handgun

There you have it. Let’s get more honest. I only {expertly} know about the mini 14 and revolver, and that’s because I was trained extensively on them both. I know them inside and out. I know the shotgun one step down from expertly and the handgun…my own, I just “know”.

Here’s another thing. Guns…specifically handguns, make my palms sweat. Without fail. I have to wear gloves when I’m qualifying mine. The shooting range thought I was crazy, even saying they had never seen anyone having to wear gloves, but guys, as much of a gun enthusiast as I am, they make me nervous. You never point your gun at anything unless you intend to shoot it, right?? That’s what you’re told over and over again, and thankfully, I’ve never pointed my guns at a person.

I’ve come close. Had it in my hands ready to raise, but never had to fully commit. But just the thought of it, even when shooting at a target, has my palms sweat.

But I feel bad. I feel bad when people (and its several) reach out to me asking which guns to buy, or asking if the gun they just bought was a good one. They tell me the type and I say, ‘oh yeah, sure, that’s a great one!’ when heck, I’ve never heard of it before. And I really just wanna say… ‘you got a gun.. that’s great enough! go out and have you some responsible fun!’

People have suggested I start my own business where I train, teach, give classes to women on gun safety, shooting, and run a weekend ‘retreat’ of sorts for women focusing on all things guns and I stare blankly at them and think how did they ever come up with that!?

I’m flattered. I am. Could I train women (or anyone) on how to properly shoot? Of course. I was certified to do just that, but I feel like such a fake when everyone seeks me out and excitedly hands me their gun to check out.

So, there you have it. It’s with a lot of trepidation that I’m even admitting this. Maybe it’s silly to some, but it’s the equivalent to someone being sought after for medical advice when they never actually completed med school…but feel obligated to keep answering everyone’s questions.

So, if you’re one who’s emailed, called, texted, talked or showed me your guns, I’m flattered. But seriously, unless it’s about those 4 guns above, I got nothin’ for ya.

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You can’t lie to a lie detector

How often do we take risks in our lives?

I ask myself that hardly ever..until recently. The past few months I’ve asked myself a lot of questions. I’ve asked God a lot of questions and the answers I’ve been getting back have pretty much been the same. Trust and do. Do the risky thing like quit my job without another. Trust that He’ll take care of me and provide. Take that trip and trust it’ll work out for His glory in the end.

And I’m seeing that. In a lot of ways.

I have my third interview for the position I want today. Yesterday, I had to take a lie detector test for it. That was stressful. Never done one of those before until then and well, it was interesting. I looked back at my past, before going in and thought over all the things that could be potential problems. In all honestly there was only one thing that I was nervous about coming up. I even reached out to a couple friends voicing my concern, but I wouldn’t know for sure if it would need to come up or if I would be able to keep it quiet.

Turns out it had to come out. And thankfully, I brought it up on my own volition before the polygraph even began, during the ‘interview’ portion. He asked me a series of questions once I finished sharing, asking for more details, and it was tough only because I had forgotten so many of the little things that led to what I had done. But knew what I had done would effect the results of the polygraph had I kept it to myself and not been honest.

True to a ‘lie detector test’, he asked a series of questions before I got hooked up, then repeated the questions two more times while hooked up and it showed that thankfully I was telling the truth on everything, with him wording some of his questions with “other than what we discussed…” so my mind would be clear of that situation. And it worked.

The second round of questioning however had a slightly different outcome. Two questions were asked that I knew the moment I answered them, felt my heart speed up. After the first round was done, I turned and explained them before he had a chance to ask.

have you ever felt ashamed of something you did between 21-29? – no
but it was a yes! Again, falling back on what I had done all those years ago.

have you ever told a serious lie between 21-29? – no
again a yes!

Amazing how it works to reveal what you think you can hide from everyone.

After I explained that I was thinking of the incident, he wrote his notes and reworded the questions with the ‘other than what we discussed’ so my mind could be clear of it and again, it worked.

I see this with my relationship with God. I think I can hide my sins. That just because you can’t see them, that He won’t take note of them Himself, even though He sees them plain as day. That there aren’t going to be repercussions for them. The way it eats away at me. He’s forgiven me, I know this but it doesn’t mean I can continue to sin just for the sake of knowing I’ll always be forgiven them.

The truth will always come out. Whether it happens 2 days from it, 7 years (as in my case) or 30 years. It will always come out. For 7 years I’ve felt ashamed and guilty and talking about it yesterday was tough because I wasn’t sure if it would effect me getting the job, but I know it’s in God’s hands, as its always been. As trite as it is to say, I know He has it all taken care of because I’ve seen it in every single step I’ve taken these past couple months.

7 years ago I took a risk. It was the wrong risk to take. It was a risk that could have cost me my job had they found it out. A risk that let someone keep theirs (for the time being) but would have cost me mine. Its funny to look back and see that I risked my career for someone who didn’t deserve theirs but at the time I thought it was the only way.

Lie detectors will getchya! I know that now firsthand!

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You give me the creeps

I’m not sure if you’ve heard yet, but Jenni over at Story of My Life is doing a little link up. It’s a small one. Me and only a handful of others are participating, but she’s thrown out the challenge to blog every day in May…with topics given, mind you, but I, being all defiant, have chosen to pick and choose the days I blog.

…I wish lying was one of those things that made me uncomfortable.

Her link up is huge, people. 600+ people huge. And I haven’t even shared it with you all yet, so after today, its going to surely spike to 602, maaaybe 603, I have that much influence.

So there’s things that give me the creeps, that downright make me uncomfortable and give me the heebie jeebies.

We’ll keep with the categories..

Gives me the creeps:
- Well, creeps do, for one. Those who stop on their way to who knows where to pull their huge knife out of the back of their pants to make sure its still there and promptly tuck it back down making sure its directly in line with their crack. that’s important you know..
- those men who, while talking to me, stare at a place other than my eyes… ok ok, this happened once! but holy moly, I had no idea what you girls were going through until this guy. After he left, I looked down just to see what the heck could be down there that would draw so much attention, and nope, nothing, just the little girls were there like normal.
- the stalker who would write me 10 page letters and emails and hide behind the wall too scared to talk but instead stare.. now that gives me the down right creeps!

Makes me uncomfortable:- standing up straight. If I could slouch and have people think it was the most attractive thing they ever did see, I would slouch till the day I die… and also not suffer from any spine issues because of it. wouldn’t that be nice?
- confrontation. Even though I’m “great” at it, darn if it doesn’t leave me with heart palpitations, sweaty palms and a stutter-ee speech. Oh and bright red ears too. darn giveaway every time!
- finding out I did an hour long presentation in front of a bunch of women with my zipper down the entire time. Face to palm moment..
- when a woman around my age (30’s) stopped me and asked what grade in high school I was in. …ok ok, for me, this was awesome, but I know she was uncomfortable after I said my age.

The heebie jeebies:
- looking up every single time a person hawks the biggest nastiest loogie. Its like this sick gift of mine that I can look up at the “perfect” time it happens..every time.
- making eye contact with a dog who’s poo-ing. Have you ever made eye contact with them before? It’s the most uncomfortable experience. Like I’ve violated them on every level and have shamed me and my family for locking eyes with them at that very private moment. I still want to go back to that dog and apologize.
- seeing the biggest spider known to man on my wall and going for a shoe and turning around and having it completely disappear. worst.feeling.in the world!

GO link up now!! And happy happy Friday!!!
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What’s your worth?

Do you sit at a desk day in and day out and think to yourself, I deserve more than this. They don't pay me enough for what I do. Or. I'm worth so much more than this pay?

Its a struggle not being defined by the mighty dollar. I sit here at my desk every day and there are days I have a hard time justifying any pay at all. Its an easy job. Not just easy, its cake. I took a job ran by someone who couldn't handle it, and completely changed it into a well running position. So much so that I never have any work to do. 

When I say never.. I mean never. If there's any, I do it in a matter of 30 minutes. That leaves me approximately 7.5 hours left in my day for... other things? They told me when I was hired that I was 'overqualified'. I'm sure many of you who've had to endure a job interview has heard that before. But at that time I was so desperate for a job. I needed a company that would hire me and teach me something new, something different from a prison.

You'd be surprised how few there were that would even give me a chance once they saw my previous career was as a Correctional Sergeant for a maximum security prison.

None, in case you're wondering.

Except this one. And God had His hand in it, I know that for a fact. They gave me a chance, let me learn a whole new field and said they had so much "growth" for me. I'm overqualified, but I had what they were wanting. So I jumped on it. I accepted the low wage and brought order and peace to the office and within a couple weeks had everything cleaned, sorted and organized to the point of reducing the workload to 30 minutes a day.

I think back to the day I began throwing away papers and phone books that were from 2006 and some in the office panicking. Who is this girl who thinks she can just come in and change everything!? I had them blatantly whisper about me 4ft away, making it obvious, turning their backs with their hands blocking their lips, but say loud enough ‘I miss the way the other girl did things.’ To now, them loving my order and structure and calm I bring to the office. I even have some who value my business decisions for them, and will seek me out before acting on their choices and I think.. I’m worth more than what they’re paying me.

I have so much more to offer, but there’s that doubt, what if this is as good as I can get? When a co worker who wants to hire someone and pay them the exact same amount of money I’m making, say, ‘I get what I pay for’ in the quality of work, I question if I’m viewed “as good as what they’re paying me”.

This position this past year has been an incredibly big pride check for me. Having a position that’s viewed as lesser to some…to me even, hasn’t been easy for me. I want to scream to people who come into our office that I’m more than this! I am so much more than you think! But it doesn’t matter. I know it doesn’t matter.

Over the past couple months, I’ve struggled quite a bit with this and trust me, I know my value isn’t monetarily, or in possessions or anything the world has to offer, I know its in Christ and Christ alone. It’s one of those struggles where I know I’m not alone, but feel alone in. Where its embarrassing to talk about and one I hope never gets brought up with old friends I may run into. But one where I’m grateful for because I’ve learned so much that will equip me for the future.

Finding that balance. That’s where I struggle most.

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Not all rainbows and sunsets

I feel the good always gets shared with my trips to Hawaii, I never get to tell the behind the scenes of the good. Granted I did talk about the helicopter ride and how it wasn’t as great as I wished, but like any trip, there’s many things that go wrong or not good at all.

I’ve been beyond blessed to have the opportunity to travel there several times and island hop as well, and believe it or not, I always am wishful that everything will go off without a hitch each and every time. And each and every time that is not the case.

I have grand plans to hike Koko Head. I can’t even tell you how much I’ve wanted to hike it, but we always sit around the apartment instead. Its kind of embarrassing really, admitting that we sit around the apartment watching tv more often than not. Believe me, I’m not one to give you tips and advice on the things to see around Oahu because well, I’ve “done them” but not to the full ‘local’ or ‘tourist’ extent. Why?? because that pesky tv…and pure laziness, since I’m being honest.

There’s also little things that creep into the trip that want to create mountains out of mole hills. Getting lost or one person not being in as much a hurry as the other, misunderstandings.. they happen. I think that’s normal for any couple. Its safe to say, and though its irksome at times, we have an argument on every single trip we take. Its silly but it happens.

I was thankful when I read another blogger who admitted that happens with her and her husband on every trip. The stresses always build. Expectations, ideas, plans. They’re all there in both our minds and when it doesn’t work like one imagined, boom! Things get tense. It generally lasts a few hours and after that, everything is grand and the trip is practically perfect.

{Someone should do a study on that.}

But its ok! Its ok we have these spats. G-man and I are very different in our thinking and we’re bound to clash from time to time. It used to scare me. Thinking one fight would lead to an inevitable breakup, but that was in the beginning, in my new relationship immaturity. Now I get things off my chest like its no one’s business…well, I make it his business!

I’ll never forget the ‘one’ in Rome. A doozy that lasted over a day. Imagine being upset with each other for a whole day in Rome! We spent an entire month in a car driving across country without any problems and we choose to have a big fight in Rome!? Craziness, I tell you!

Any way, I hadn’t intended to share any of this actually, at.all.  I had plans to tell you how I found a dead mouse on the floor of the restaurant after we finished our meal.. and how I made G-man take our rental car back after 2 hours because of the ant trail I found in the car, but ‘we’ came out instead. I’m not sure why, but maybe to convey that we’re normal. We fight, we disagree, we aren’t perfect in any way, and I truly hope that I don’t portray this “I travel all the time with my love, life is perfect” persona. Heck, I’m 3500 miles away from the man, things are anything but perfect.

But I love him and he loves me. We work really hard to make it work, with the distance and though it sucks and I’m tired of it, I wouldn’t ask for anyone else in my life. My hope {for the future} comes from the Lord, the Maker of Heaven and Earth, and I know there’s going to be a great ending.

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My attempt at fashion

I once was a jeans and t-shirt kind of gal. But then I started wearing shorts and I became a huge shorts and t-shirt kind of gal. I prefer those over dresses and skirts and now jeans since jeans can be suffocating. Not to mention oddly tight around my knees… maybe my knees are getting fat.. hard to explain.

On rare occasions I’ll wear maxi dresses or skirts or even go so far as wearing a real dress to work. It’s rare but it happens.

I have a point…stay with me.

Last week I felt all black. I love wearing all black. Some love bright colors where me, I feel awesome in black. Now I have a small confession that I almost didn’t want to admit. When I posted the outfit on instagram everyone thought it was a dress or a skirt. Even G-man thought it was a dress…and I didn’t correct anyone, because well, I didn’t want to kill the happy mood. But I was wearing pants…as you can tell now that its blown up.

Sooo, since I was all deceiving and all, I thought I should redeem myself. Ok…that’s a fib. You all made me feel so good about this outfit (as a dress) that I had to wear the top again over the weekend, only with a skirt, so I could feel that fabulousness AGAIN.

Remember…I like to be complimented often..call it a disease if you will.

So while I was in Las Vegas for a team rally for lia sophia, I jumped into my friend’s closet to find something to wear because this girl has clothes…and shoes..and then more shoes, so I managed to pull it off pretty well, I think.

I feel better now that I’m not steering you all wrong anymore with the pants picture. Obviously the skirt and red heels are hers. But what made the day even greater was I was set to speak in front of all the lovely women and when I went up there I got into what’s being dubbed my “Party Emily” personality. She’s a lot funner (it’s a word) than normal Emily and while talking, I saw a girl in the back stand  up to look at the heels. Well, I couldn’t very well have her crane her neck, so I popped the foot up and one of the ladies happened to take a picture right at that moment.
You guys didn’t know I was so nice...

Wouldn’t you know it, everyone thought I was wearing a dress who complimented me. Naturally I didn’t feel the need to correct them, because it would have meant me lifting up my shirt to show them the skirt and being in public and all I didn’t feel it was the most appropriate of things to do, so I said thank you with a big ol’ grin.

*Moral of the story: Secretly sneak your friend’s pencil skirt into your luggage and wait to see if she notices.

Have a fabulous weekends, my friends!


*kidding…I didn’t steal the skirt

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I wish you sick

All last week I had to work and if anyone knows, working while you have a visitor..a visitor you haven’t seen in 5 months isn’t all that fun. I made sure to keep work out of the know with G-man being in town, even though I got asked daily where my car was, I was able to skirt the question each and every time, citing my generosity to others who were in need of it. you didn’t know I was so humble, did you?

So as the days went on I sort of kind of schemed a bit. …just a little bit.

By Wednesday, I had this crazy secret idea to maybe call into work Thursday to spend an entire day with him. This was going to prove a bit difficult since I’m the only one that does my job and they always comment on how hard it would be for them if I wasn’t there. We had gone out to eat with friends and their 1 1/2 year old (who was sick) and as we were walking out to our cars, she called out, ‘this sounds mean, but I hope you get sick!’ My first thought was, that that wasn’t very nice of her to say, but then the mice started running and I figured out what she meant…and laughed back.

But as the night progressed I was starting to have second thoughts and feel guilty about it all. especially when another girl had just been fired days before for always calling in… It’s one thing to call into prison whenever I wanted. I had 100+ co workers to fill in for me, but here there’s no one!

I was still on the fence about it all when I went to sleep but then 3am hit. I was rudely awoken to being sick. Honest to goodness sick. Went to bed feeling great, woke up barely able to breathe! - Let’s pause and thank God for that one! - You can bet I picked up that phone at 7am to call my boss saying I wasn’t coming in. It got worse throughout the day but we still went out shopping…even though I wanted to lay on the floor at Best Buy, I was so weary.

All throughout the day I couldn’t believe I actually got sick but knew no matter what I had to go into work the next day. How bad would that be calling in 2 days in a row!? As my co workers began arriving they were stressing to me to go home. (its always good when they see that I was telling the truth, you know?) Finally the boss showed up and (though reluctant) let me go “home” at 1.

Only, I didn’t go home. >>evil laugh<< I drove to San Francisco to meet up with my love who was already there to enjoy our last weekend together, and if you follow me on IG, you’d know I showed the first ‘face’ picture of him. Cause I’m generous like that.

crossing over the bay bridge


It may be odd, but I’m thankful God gave me sickness to spend a few extra hours with G-man. It was needed and appreciated. Pin It Now!

…and then there was egg

Well, I’ll be if there isn’t egg on my face. Who wants to guess what I did last night…last night after writing all about what shouldn’t be done on the blog yesterday???

I was among friends (which totally justifies it) and was telling a story (to seal the justification) and a story wouldn’t be complete without unnecessary backstories about a person they’ll never meet.

I did say at the end, that I really should stop writing out my sins for the world to see because it just seems to make me want to do them more..which, isn’t that always the case? Your faults and shortcomings are brought to your attention to be rectified only to make you want to do them just a little bit more for a little bit longer?

The bad funny side of me wants to say that it was a great story…just ask my friends. They were laughing up a storm..and believe me when I say it wasn’t at the person, but at my superior story telling skills about my day. Cause that was the main theme: my day.

I’m still justifying this. Bad Emily!

I intended to roll into a post today that would have been brilliant. Angels would have sang at my insight, but then I told my ‘story’ and figured this was more fitting of a rolling.

Speaking of mimicking new groups of people…when I was young and oh so impressionistic read:18 I got this new job where everyone cussed. It wasn’t long before I was swearing up a storm, saying every word but 3. You know, the really bad words. Those I wouldn’t say but everything else was fair game. I started to think I was cool cause I was just like them.

I remember at one point I was talking to my brother and said a cuss word and he stopped me saying it just made me ugly. It gave me pause but all I thought of was, ‘guys say it, so why be so hypocritical.’ and continued my swearing.

1 1/2 years later those words would flow like any other word in my vocabulary and then one day I was driving with my mom and I swear (ha) that I will never forget this moment; I pulled out of the parking lot to get onto the busy street and didn’t see a car coming from my left. A word just came out as I slammed on the breaks. I never would swear in front of my mom, I always made sure, but this moment, I was so far gone in my control of cussing that it slipped in her presence.

via

From that moment on I stopped cussing. I went cold turkey. It wasn’t easy and truth be told, I’ve said some words since (I did work in a prison after all…I’m bound to be forced to repeat a bad word for a report) but I don’t anymore.

I feel free from it. Its like it’s a daily challenge to think outside that little box of cuss words to say something with flare instead.

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Now, for the questions:
Do you swear and what’s your opinion on it? Not a big deal? Or does it bother you that you do it?

What’s your take when you hear women swear?

Do you think guys get an easier ‘out’ to swear than girls?

Have you had a bad habit that you’ve just had to quit cold turkey? And did it work?

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I judge you

I think just about everyone would say they’re a good judge of characters, (whether they really are or not). Who wants to say they’re horrible at it, and risk the chance of someone taking advantage of that?!

Well, I guess me, cause I’m not that great at it. I think I am. Or used to be…maybe once upon a time, but I feel like I’ve lost the ability to properly and accurately judge a person.

There’s the obvious ones, of course. I can spot a child molester easily. {creepy, right?} But of course, that isn’t a normal type of judging given the fact I’m rarely at parks or near kids. But rest assured, if I’m hanging out with you and your kids, I’ll be on full alert.

I used to be bold with my judging. I remember walking into Longs to grab milk. I was still partially in my uniform since I just got off of work, so I was a target to everyone, but I powered through the doors, keeping my sunglasses on (because I believed keeping them on made me even “tougher”) and this semi rough looking man was staring me down. As I walked toward him-past him to grab the milk-and past him again. I watched him through my glasses following my every step. Finally I couldn’t take it anymore…(because I was “tough”) and whipped around and said, “What?!”

{let me just say, “work Emily” was so bold. Especially when she just got off of work since she was still coming down from being around inmates}

::and yes, I just referred to myself in the third person::


That’s not me anymore. I’ve judged people so easily off of how they look or how they “read” only to find out I was all wrong. They turned out nicer than I perceived or ended up being a horrible person inside when I thought they were kind.

I’ve been burned countless times for believing someone is kind hearted. Shared things, opened up only to have me search every inch of my brain, hoping to remember all that I said so they won’t use it against me later, but always forgetting that one piece of information they’re waiting to play.

It’s left me guarded. Unwilling to share myself with others because I can never be too sure if I’m reading them all wrong, regretting opening up. My discerning button is broken and I’m not sure how to fix it.

I’m sure I’ve been judged because of it but that’s a given. I’m easily seen as a snob by most girls. Believe it or not, I’m really quiet. I keep to myself (which isn’t new) and apparently if I’m not smiling, or rather, if I have my ‘normal’ every day expression on, I look like I’m mad and unapproachable. I can’t tell you how many countless times I’ve been told that…or that they thought I was stuck up.

Its so funny how we judge each other. Whether wrongly or accurately, its done. Whether its before the person even utters a word or after they’ve uttered 10,000 words, we do it. We’re constantly evolving our judgment of each other. Which, I don’t think is a bad thing. Reevaluating a person’s character is needed at times, if not your own.

But maybe holding off on that initial judge until you truly get to know the person, is wise.

I know I could pause on occasion.

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Its freeing to do..this confessing thing

Happy Friday!!

Who else is suuuper excited for their weekend? Raise of hands, please…

I felt like confessing some things, so lets get right down to bid-nis

I confess…
I fear on a daily basis that I’ll type G-man’s real name and not catch it.

Thankfully I have yet to do this.

I confess…
I have caught myself on several occasions from calling G-man..’G-man’ to his face.

I’ll get as far as ‘Geeee’… and then switch to his actual name. To the best of my knowledge, I don’t believe he’s aware of this nickname…


I confess…
The name he goes by is actually his middle name. ..and naturally, it starts with a G.


I confess…
I only use his first name when I mean business…which is rare, to be totally honest.

And the few times I do use it, it sounds foreign, like I called him by the wrong name. Especially since my brother in law has the same first name and actually goes by it. So it feels all sorts of wrong for me. However with that said, I love his first name.

I confess…
I think God has a sense of humor. I always prayed for ‘my man’ to be taller than me, {being 5’11” and all}.

…G-man is exactly 1 inch taller.

I confess…
I hardly ever wear eye makeup beyond mascara and one day I decided to wear eye shadow and all day long G-man couldn’t stop saying how beautiful my eyes were.
{which was great…not gonna lie}
but he couldn’t pinpoint why they were more beautiful {his words} that day.

I never told him it was the eye shadow…

I confess…
I think about wearing eye shadow more..

I confess…
when I was on a skype date with 2 lovely ladies, G-man called and I muted my microphone to take the call…or so I thought.

I ended up muting my speakers instead and they got to be privy to the entire conversation, unbeknownst to me. Thankfully nothing incriminating was said.

aahhhhhh, I feel so much better.
I hope everyone has a fantastic weekend. I get to do something extra special that I can’t wait for and can’t wait to tell you all about it next week!! Yippy!!

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