A test, a prayer and a sneak

This very morning I’m testing for the position I mentioned yesterday. It’s a 3-4 hour long test and since I’m writing this beforehand, I’ll be honest and say I have no idea what it’s going to entail. Well, I have an idea but it could be nothing like what I’ve conjured up in my brain.

So if you’re inclined, pray. Pray that I pass to move on to the interview process…which will also take 3 hours. who wants to be in an interview for 3 hours straight?!? apparently >this girl<In other exciting news, I’m getting my hair colored tonight…by my friend…from a box.

I trust her.

~~~

If you haven’t yet, I think its time you make the grilled chocolate sandwiches I went on and on about last Tuesday. If you’re still unsure about them, you can read Casey AND Amanda’s reviews on them since they trusted me.

~~~

The photographer from last week, who also is my good friend, knows what she’s doing. There’s no doubt about that. She also knows the difficult position she and I are both in with being able to post photos of G-man. So she used her Masters brain, and brilliantly created ‘blog-able’ images for both of us to use.

Silhouettes and blurred shots. Can’t get any more ‘obscure’ than that. To say I wish nothing more than to show my favorites to you, would be an understatement. But I also like being on G’s good side and will respect his wishes of not having any photos of him on the blog. And friends, for the record. Its hard. I’ve debated making my blog private so I could share ‘us’, but haven’t quite been able to do it. I like you all and getting to meet so many new people by being public is what I enjoy! If I had gone private when it originally crossed my mind, I wouldn’t have met my 2 newest and already dear friends, Casey and Amanda. So I struggle with the idea of being ok with not making anymore friends if I went private, and I don’t think I’m ready for that.

So, until I’m ready, I’ll stay public and refrain from showing photos of my love and continue showing the vague shots I’m given.
photos courtesy of Erin Pasillas Photography


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His blessings

As of Wednesday night, my friend’s daughter was released from the hospital. An entire day early! She spent a total of 8 days in the hospital, where they said she screamed in pain and fear for most of them. Her heart rate would jump over 30 beats a minute the moment anyone in scrubs walked in the room. The moment they were told she was going home was a very happy one to say the least.

They shared they have their good moments and bad moments, and thankfully, I happened to visit on a good moment. I don’t think I could bear seeing a bad moment. I didn’t know what to expect when I arrived. I prayed I wouldn’t be standoffish because I get uncomfortable around things I don’t know how to be, but when I walked to their back door, I saw through their window, them sitting at the table…eating. Like any normal family.

I just stood there watching for a second amazed.

There she was…sitting, eating pasta and chicken. I praised God right then and there.

She was nothing but smiles as we sat and talked about the past 9 days and how it effected their lives. Amazingly, they felt so grateful for their situation as they were around many less fortunate parents with children far worse off than their daughter.

They know they have a long way to go with her recovery, but she’s doing just that. Recovering. The more she walks and eats, the more she heals and is able to do the things she’s always wanted to do.

I asked permission to share the few shots I got last night as well as an email she sent out with an update the day she was released.

”One concern right now is that she has been having rather severe bladder spasms at times and, as thought, she reacted very badly to the medications the doctor tried.  We only have two more options, however, insurance doesn't want to cover either of them.  We're praying that as she continues to heal the spasms will go away, but the doctor isn't so sure.  We are so grateful for the prayers, gifts, and support as well as to the nurses and doctors that have done so much for her in the last week.”

So if you can continue to pray specifically for her bladder spasms, I know they’d really appreciate it.

They loved the cards that were sent. They couldn’t believe how far they traveled and she loved knowing that she had so many people throughout the entire country who loves and prays for her.

The stickers were a huge hit with her and her brother!

I hope you have a wonderful weekend. Squeeze your little ones tight…and your big ones too.

I have big plans tomorrow, and I truly can’t wait for them to be underway, this week has been nothing but crazy leading up to it.

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A thankful me - 42

Happy Monday everyone. Did your daylight savings workout alright for you? I happened to wake up at 6:30 but forced myself back to sleep until 8. I hear its pretty tough with little kids not getting them to sleep, but I heard a parent say awhile back that a few weeks before daylight savings happens, they begin to have their kids go to bed a few minutes early every night to get them adjusted to the hour change, so when the full hour jump happens, they’re already adapted to it.

Has anyone done this before? I’ve tucked it away for the ‘some day’ but wonder if anyone’s done this to see if it worked for them.

Over the weekend I went to get a pedicure to right the horrible one I got a few weeks ago. While I was there, I mentioned to my new manicurist that I needed the gels taken off my nails because they were catching on everything. She looked at them and couldn’t believe how bad they were! Conversation ensued about them and who did them and she insisted she give me a free gel polish so I could have a good experience with them.

At first I wasn’t going to do it. It wasn’t my intention going in, but after I got a healthy push from a friend to take advantage of the free polish, I went ahead. But not before the manicurist saw the absolutely horrible pedi I had and not before talking to the manicurist who did it. Who became extremely defensive.

I didn’t know she’d tell her how bad of a job she did! Now I’m kind of hesitant to go to that salon on the chance I run into her.

This one did a lot better job, but all in all, I’m not sure I'll be going back to that salon again.

This week I’m thankful for:
- a delicious home cooked meal cooked by someone other than myself.
3 carnitas, rice, beans, 1 tamale and peach cobbler ala mode… my belly was happy! ((clearly I was starving))

- a free manicure. I honestly can’t complain about any of it when its free. It was very generous of her to fix it.

- soft waves all thanks to my flat iron. 7 more days until my cut and color!!

- knowing God’s healing my friend’s little girl. She might be able to eat for the first time today since the surgery, so HUGE prayers needed that she’s able to successfully eat!
- my health. I complain about my neck, my hips, my knees, my feet, but as a whole, I’m pretty healthy and I thank God for that blessing.
- my brother running a 5k on his birthday, Saturday and finishing second in his age group, all while not even trying on a bum knee. Pretty proud of that!

I put this up for debate on IG and had the opinions split down the middle, so friends, I need your honest opinion. I made this to give away for a drawing for a few ladies and need to know if its lame, cheesy, okay, worth giving or well, whatever else you may think it is.

I’m not “crafty” at all. I would like to stress that, so this is me being ‘creative’. Its cinnamon scented pinecones and I threaded the ribbon through (obviously) and made the bow at the end.

If you’re not feeling it, what other ideas do you have for it? If I got rid of the bow, what should I do? I don’t want to leave the ribbon twirling around the only thing on there. I do have more ribbon if you have different ideas with that. I don’t want to spend more money on this since my intention was to keep it under $5 (which I’ve done so far) unless of course you say its obvious its an “under $5 gift”… and if that’s the case.. just say “I’m sure it smells nice” to spare me.

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Praying today

This beautiful little girl is undergoing a major major surgery today and could definitely use being lifted up in prayer. Not to mention the long long recovery days to follow, for her and my friend who’s pregnant with their third. They survived the month long ‘house arrest’ where they couldn’t leave the house to ensure she stayed healthy and now faces an even greater challenge.

She’s expected to stay in the hospital for upwards to 7+ days after the surgery where they won’t let her eat the entire time. My heart aches for what they’re about to endure, but I pray God heals her and makes this surgery a success.

My friend doesn’t know I did this, but I know the importance and power of prayer, so I ask for yours today for their entire family. And if you would like to participate, I would love nothing more than to shower my friend and her daughter with get well cards. I know you don’t know them but I think it would be a great brightener to her daughter’s tough days ahead. Not to mention my friend’s, who will be under an enormous amount of stress these next few weeks.

If you’d like to mail a card, you can email me, amazinggrape81{at}gmail{dot}com, or say so in the comments and I’ll provide an address to mail it to where I’ll collect them and hand deliver them to my friend.


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When do you pray?

Is it first thing in the morning? Right before you fall asleep? As you’re driving down the road or making meals? Is it in the shower?

Or when you’re on the toilet?

Think about it..you don’t have to say if you actually pray when you’re on the toilet, but I’ll admit, I have. I don’t know what it is, but there have been many instances where the moment I sit, I begin to pray. Not sure if it’s the fact there isn’t much to do in there, or if I feel that’s a ‘quiet place’ or if I think that this is the only moment I’m willing to give to the Lord…whatever it is, I’ve caught myself more times that I’d care to admit.

I had a discussion with someone some time ago about this, where they told me they caught themselves praying while on the toilet and it struck them how disrespectful it was. Here they were praying to Almighty God…while ‘doing their business’.  As if there’s no other time in their day to talk to Him but while on the pot.

That’s the moment I admitted to them, that I do the same. To me, its quite shameful. I realize He sees everything, knows everything, but that doesn’t mean that it’s a time to give my prayers to the Lord.

Where’s the reverence?
via (no source)

When and where do you pray? Is it in a hurried rush of words before you pick up your ringing phone? Or after you narrowly escaped hitting a car? In between commercials? Or sitting on the toilet….?

When do you give God your time?

all listed above are moments I’ve prayed. See this not as me calling you out, but me calling myself out for not giving God enough of my time.

*Added
I should say that I pray throughout the day, regardless of where I am and what I’m doing if I feel the need to pray at that very moment. With that said, I personally believe praying while ‘doing my business’ is not one of those places or times to do so.

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Prayers for baby E

Remember this cute little guy I did a shoot with a few months back?

He’s in the children’s hospital with Botulism right now and could really use your prayers. I’ve had one other friend’s baby go through this and I know the tough road they face, especially with 3 other kids at home, so the more prayers and support the better.

Thank you sweet friends!!

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Last steps in a prison

I thought I was never going to step inside the fence of a prison again. But I was wrong.

Its been almost 1 1/2 years since I’ve had to walk beyond the walls, through the electric gates, past the towers and onto the grounds and come across inmates. There hasn’t been one day that’s gone by, I’ve missed it. Not one.

The difference with this is, I’ll be in civilian clothes. Not a uniform.


On Monday, when I originally planned on driving into work to finish being separated from the Dept., I was under the impression it was outside the walls, in the personnel trailers where I would sign here here and here, hand over my badge and take a ‘retired’ id picture. By 11, I was still waiting for her to call me back and when she did, she informed me I had to ‘check out.’

Checking out involves me going throughout the ENTIRE institution to get upwards to 30 signatures from various departments to ensure I turned everything in. This takes sometimes hours to do as everyone is not sitting at their desks waiting for me to arrive. It’s my responsibility to track each and every person down in order to have it be completed. (this is a very LARGE institution) and it was already too late in the day to start Monday.

I can’t explain to you how I felt when she told me I’d have to do this. It wasn’t fear, because I don’t fear walking around inmates. But I did have anxiety. Anxiety that made my blood rise and body shake. I started to sweat and fought back tears as I told G-man what I had to do. Fighting tears throughout the day as I thought about it.

For 1 and 1/2 years, I’ve let go of all that working in a prison had done to me. For 1 and 1/2 years, God has changed and softened my heart into what it is now. I no longer have the ‘street smart’ attitude (as G-man puts it), I’m nothing of what I once was and walking back into a prison is the last thing I, as I am now, ever thought I’d have to do.

The anxiety only built when I considered what to wear. I found myself fishing out my ‘manly’ sunglasses I used to wear to work; debating whether or not to wear makeup and throw my hair up in a bun. Stressing over which outfit to wear that didn’t hug any part of me, that was loose, possibly baggy since I can’t wear jeans and definitely can’t wear my uniform.

This is hard to explain to even myself why I reacted this way, let alone to you. But this job has taken a toll on me emotionally. For the first 2 years, I had almost nightly horrific nightmares that left me drenched in sweat and my heart bursting out of my chest. So vivid and real, I could tell you the majority of them, to this day. I even went and saw a therapist, they were affecting me that deeply. I’ve had men masturbate to me, call me the worst names possible, yell lewd and perverse comments in my direction, not to mention gestures, and have seen crime and murder scenes that put CSI and Criminal Minds to shame.

My work thumbdrive contains some of the most violent inmate on inmate murder videos that I used to watch and make my Officers watch, as “OJT” (on the job training) and now, I don’t know what to do with them. I can’t watch them anymore, they make me sick to my stomach.

I’ve changed. From head to toe, inside and out, I’ve changed. And I am so thankful He’s changed me out of what I once was and once was around.

I can’t express in words my true hatred for having to go back into the prison to check out. But I pray and beg you to pray that God leads me through there with a swiftness that only He could give. With minimal stress from inmates or staff who haven’t seen me in 1 1/2 years. All day Monday, I felt my attitude hardening in preparation. I do not like what prison does to me and I want to spend as little time there as possible.

Please pray that it’s so.

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I’m human too

I know I’ll be bursting some bubbles with this post, but I’m human too. I think bad things, act unbecomingly and am. not. perfect.

I know! It was hard for me to accept too.

I could blame it on my time in prison. (I seriously find it fun to say that sentence, since obviously (for those first time readers) I didn’t do time in prison). My mind was put further in the gutter since working in prison.  -I blame it on the men. Filthy men!-

But to prove my mind isn’t always in the most pure and clean state of mind at all times, here’s just a tiny example.

See this picture? Every time I would look out G-man’s window, I’d see this word and couldn’t help but want to take a picture of it while someone was standing next to it…from behind. 


Are you picturing it??

I’m not necessarily proud of this, especially when I shared my picture idea with G-man. He just looked at me with that look. You know, the look they give when they think we’re just a little bit too crazy and a wee bit immature?? Yeah, that look. But I still chuckle to myself every time I see this…and kinda wish I’d done it.

Darn sin nature… I’m accepting any and all prayers on my behalf.

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Why you’ll never seen an ichthus on my car

you know…the Jesus fish??
(via larryhehn.com)

I had this thing, and it was called road rage. I say “had” because I hardly drive anymore with the feet as they’ve been, but when I was working and had to drive 40 minutes each way you can bet I had the rage inside.

I still have it on certain occasions, and will go berserk screaming, waving my arms and honking the horn, but have you ever witnessed someone road raging? Have you ever seen how ridiculous they look?? Years ago, I saw a man flip out in his car at another and I couldn’t stop thinking how idiotic he looked and swore I would curb my raging. That lasted a whole 12 months, (probably a lot less), before I was screaming, fuming and driving like a maniac around the car that ticked me off.

Sometimes the car did something that someone else did to me the day before that I just blinked at but if I’m in a “mood” you can bet that little thing will be like they just cut me off while giving me the bird with how I’ll react.

Why it’s coming to mind now, is because a lot of people very close to me have it just as bad and it bothers me. Like, really bad. Being in the passenger seat as they drive and tell off other drivers doing nothing, or them being in the passenger seat and getting frustrated over the other drivers…over nothing.

Though I fail still, I’ve really made the effort whenever anyone is in my car to curb my frustrations over other drivers because, seriously! what can I do about it?! It does absolutely no good to have me raging, which only gets the passenger full of anxiety and joining in on the frustration. How is that an example of Christ?!

hence the fact I’ll never have a ‘Jesus fish’ on my car.

I’ve been on the phone with someone a few times while they’re driving and without fail they start flipping out about the drivers around them. And sometimes, I’m in the middle of a sentence when they start their screaming. Its so discouraging since it seems like they were never listening. We’ve talked it over enough and have finally concluded we can’t be on the phone anymore when they’re driving, but it seriously hurts my heart knowing they have it that bad.

Now, that’s them and something they’ve struggled with all their driving life and will have to figure out but as for me, I choose to stop. I can’t stand the raging Emily. She’s ugly. When I was driving into the city to go shopping yesterday I said a prayer for strength to stop. I truly want to be an example to the ones around me, not a self righteous I’m better than you example, but a Christ like example. Learning to accept that people around me don’t drive like I do (even though I wish they did) and enjoying the drive. And so far, I’ve found it’s so much less stressful!

I accept that I’ll fail at my efforts at some point. Some people are just plain incompetent at their driving but from here on out, I make my pledge that every effort will be made to not be that screaming idiot.

Do you tend to rage when you drive?

What are some things you do to keep yourself from raging?

Do you want to pledge with me?

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I’m thankful for 19

I’m alive. Were you nervous?? I’m plastered on the couch (really, that’s nothing new) but more forced than before since walking is a trial for me. But the weekend couldn’t have been better since my sweet and wonderful mom was here to do just about everything for me.

’just about’ because..a girl has to retain some dignity here!

If you saw on twitter, the Dr. told me some things that are making me scratch my head in confusion but all in all everything went well and over the next day or so, I’ll go over what he said.

For now, it’s a thanks giving day.

I’m thankful for:
- my mom. She drove 3 1/2 hours back. Cooked from 6am-6pm and froze it all so I could have meals to eat for days. Cleaned every dish, brought me anything I needed, scolded me when I did too much and loved on me every minute possible. I love you Mom!
yumminess that I devoured the first night. You know you wish you had these boots, right?


- the Dr. for removing every last neuroma I have and the calls he’s made each and every day to see how I’m recovering.

- my friends and family who are quick to offer any help at the drop of a hat.

- all of YOU for your sweet words and thoughtful prayers. I felt each and every one of them and I can’t thank you enough for taking time to lift me up to Him.

- the cooler weather, long naps in the middle of the day and pain medication.

- the Lord for allowing me the chance to have this surgery after the defeat of hearing from multiple doctors that nothing can ever be done; will ever be fixed. That I’ll have to live with all the pain for life. He brought me to Dr. Wang that gave me hope and the chance to be ‘normal’ again.

- and finally G-man who pushed me to not give up. Who knew there was someone out there who could do the job. Who always had the hope and determination to make me better and do it at any cost. I love him so much!

Romans 5:3-5
And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance;
and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope;
and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

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Is there one way to pray?

How do you pray?

via

I’ve really been thinking about this a lot over the past couple of weeks and I really have been wondering if my way of prayer is…redundant.

Matthew 6:7 states
And when you are praying, do not use meaningless repetition as the Gentiles do, for they suppose that they will be heard for their many words.

Every morning I spend time in the word. After, I pray. Sometimes its 30 minutes because I have so much to pray for but I realized it’s the same things every single day. Every day. And I’ve been wondering, is it necessary? Is it necessary to pray over the same things every. single. day?

God knows my prayers before I even think them. And it’s not like He’s rolling His eyes when I say the same prayer day in and day out but, seriously, I can’t help but think He would. Yes, I know He’s nothing like my human ways, but I wonder if it’s one of those things He thinks, ‘at what point is she going to trust in Me over these things and move on!??’ Again, I know He doesn’t think like my sinful flesh does.

The sweet and lovely Amy did a post about her prayer journals and she told me I should start one up. I’ve never done one before and didn’t really know how to do it or what I was doing with it but I thought it was worth a shot.

I was having a really hard week emotionally last week when I started it. I wrote a few, cried and had to stop. The next morning however, I felt better. Lighter. More at peace even. Since that night, I haven’t really been praying as much over those things.

And because of that, it really made me question how to pray. I actually really enjoy talking to God through prayer. Throughout my day I’ll have random conversations with Him. He really knows how to comfort me. So now I’ve been wondering what to pray for.

If I’m writing them down or if I talk to Him about something once then what will I have to talk to God about? My life isn’t so fraught with trouble and depression that I need to have things to pray over every single day but if I stop the repetition, what will I pray about?

Philippians 4:6 is clear
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.

My prayers are filled with thanksgiving, but maybe there needs to be more of it. Though I lose sight quickly, I have a lot more than many others do. And maybe, when I’m feeling down and depressed about where I am in my life, I need to instead praise Him and thank Him for where I am and that He knows why He has me here and not ask and cry why God why!

Does anyone have any insight?

How do you pray? Is it the same way as I’ve done all this time?

Do you have a prayer journal? And if you do, have you seen benefits from it? Pin It Now!