Lately

Lately, I’ve been unable to finish a post. I get half way through and stop; and within a couple days what I wrote about has changed completely and the post becomes unnecessary. This has happened twice now, and I wonder if I should write at all since things keep changing.

Lately, I’ve been checking my college website to see my final grade for one of my classes. Two more assignments need to be graded but I’m still at an A and I’m really happy about that. My other class I got an A+, and that served to tickle me to no end.

Lately, I’ve been relishing in these days off from school, but I find I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m so used to being on my computer for hours on end each and every day, that now that I don’t have to, I’m left staring at my screen, lost. I have to force myself to close my laptop in order to go do something, anything.

Lately, I’ve been spending my time in Japan….yet again. This was a very last minute trip. As in, Sunday I looked at flights and Tuesday I was on the plane. Anyone who paid attention would know I was here only two weeks ago, and I admit, even I’m wondering why I went home for two weeks, but I’m here now and get to actually explore. Doing this reminds me of my trips to Hawaii and how they’d be very last minute and even extended. A 5 hour flight to Hawaii vs 11 hour flight to Japan is the only thing that is {painfully} different.

Lately, I’ve declared my love for Singapore Airlines. I can’t stop talking about it; they’re the most amazing airline I’ve flown, and I’ve flown A LOT of different airlines. 15 to be exact…or that’s how many airlines I can remember off the top of my head. I honestly might do a whole post on Singapore Airlines alone, that’s how wonderful they are.

Lately, I’ve had a really bad attitude. There’s no two ways around it. I’ve been in a rather foul mood, which is another reason I haven’t been able to blog lately. With a new bible study, and plenty of God’s help, I’m working on it; but life has been rough (mentally) for me lately, and I haven’t done a good job at surrendering it and not having it effect my every day.

Lately, I’ve been working out and boy has this made a difference in how I feel about myself. I know immediately when I gain 5lbs, and whenever I do, I feel nothing but the worst things about myself. Even knowing it, I was still reluctant to workout, and would beat myself up by the hour. I had to tell myself there were no excuses as to why I was getting soft, and finally began working out again. (I’ve been told I’m overly hard on myself). Now I’ve consistently worked out for almost two weeks, and am getting back to (my) normal.

Lately, I’ve been going through my almost 8,000 photos and deleting the ones I don’t want. My plan is to make photo albums for each trip and category I have so I can cherish them outside my computer. I’ve made two over the past couple years, and have approximately 20 more to go. That’s not daunting at all…

Hopefully I can begin sharing more of the places I’ve seen since being here. I have a lot of photos and experiences I want to share with you, so I’m hoping I can find the motivation to share them.

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One less thing

You know all those who say their iPhones rule their lives? How they go everywhere including the bathroom with it because they couldn’t imagine missing out on something? Well, I go back and forth with being one of “those” people. It is my lifeline so I do tend to bring it everywhere with me, but there are moments where I’ll leave it at home for a quick errand or in the other room just to see how I’ll cope. Baby steps are happening here.

Over the weekend, after much debate with myself, I finally made another step in my ‘you won’t have a hold on me, iPhone!’ stance. I turned off the Instagram notification. Sounds silly, right? What’s the big deal having it on? But any time I post a photo, I constantly glance at it to see if the screen lights up with a ‘like’. Or I imagine it lights up, so I’m always looking at it. Or I’ll push the home button to see if I missed one. I’ve had to turn my phone over in the past to keep from looking at it, but I actually went in and turned it off, so the only way I’ll see if someone liked it is by going into instagram itself. What’s funny is I’m not all that popular on there, so it’s not like I get a ton of likes in the first place, but something about it has me addicted to the attention.

Somehow someway, my twitter is like this. I don’t know what happened, but a month ago, it stopped telling me when someone tweeted me. I have yet to look into why, because I found it was nice not knowing unless I got into twitter. The exact same thing happened the moment I turned off Instagram. It was almost instant relief. The pull I always feel from my phone wasn’t as strong anymore.

Little by little I’m getting myself away from my phone. It’s definitely a good feeling. My computer on the other hand is quickly taking over the time I was spending with my phone. I blame needing it for school, but I’m on it well after I’ve stopped doing schoolwork, so I guess the school excuse isn’t holding like I wish.

While I was traveling to Utah, all I brought was my iPad and that was mainly for my audiobooks. Given I had incredibly long drives, I downloaded two books to listen to. Anne of Green Gables and The Hunger Games. I didn’t realize how much fun I’d have listening to these books. They kept me entertained the entire trip. They’re both 11 hours long, and if you’ve never heard Anne of Green Gables on audio, I highly recommend it. It’s only $3.95 in iTunes. An unbelievable steal and believe me, you won’t regret it. The Hunger Games is equally as good but at $25 is a little harder to stomach.

I left my computer at home though, and it was such a nice feeling not being tied to it. I’ve noticed over the past year I hardly read anymore. When I finally close my computer, my arm automatically reaches for my phone. I can’t seem to be still anymore. Stay quiet and let my brain rest, not to mention my eyes. Maybe it’s because I don’t want to think, so to keep myself from any and all thought, I busy the mind.

Regardless, I could handle a step away from electronics.

Do you have any tried and true tricks to keep off the phone? Or reduce your computer use? I’m all ears.

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It all comes to a close

I’m sitting here in the quiet listening to the two clocks compete for the loudest tick tock, as I wish I had socks on because it’s a little chilly in here. In truth, I wish I would get up to go change into my workout clothes, but I did my abs video two days ago, and well, my thighs are ridiculously sore from it… (which is odd when you think it was an abs video, but it’s proof just how much you use your other muscles…), so I don’t want to think about the pain that’s involved with standing up to walk, so I remain seated.

Even though I haven’t been too into blogging lately, I still read everyone’s and as is normal, the common theme now is resolutions and theme words, and I can’t help but feel so far removed from it. I am not one to do resolutions, and though I know many who thrive on the ‘theme word’ for the year, I find it to be just another distraction and false sense of purpose. I’ll put the disclaimer of “for me” at the end of that, so as not to step on anyone’s toes, but ultimately it’s how I feel. And if I may, the idea of waiting until the new year to act on something, whether it’s working out, eating better, acting better or spending less…seems superficial. If a person can’t start something at any other time of the year, why is it believed to be different (and successful) at the first of the year?

I digress.

This year wasn’t anything like what I thought it would be and it ended far from what I ‘planned’, but I remind myself it’s silly to plan anything to begin with and instead trust in God to make it what He wants…despite my protests and grumblings. This next year, I don’t even want to think ahead and imagine, for fear of repeated disappointment, but rather focus on the daily task at hand, which is school, once it starts back up on the 13th.

Life has been on pause for far too many years, but just like a ‘wait until new years to start something’, it’s entirely my fault I haven’t acted and pressed play to get it back up and going. But I’m hoping to change that…ironically at the start of the new year. Does that make me a hypocrite? Or just ironic timing of it all.. Regardless, my focus through it all is on Him, and what I pray, is less on myself.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned these past few months living back with my parents, is that I’m selfish. It’s been hard to stop being selfish. So, less focus on myself, undoubtedly would be a good thing.

No matter if you make goals for the new year or continue on your day to day living, I hope each and everyone of you have a beautiful start to your new year. Maybe that’s what it’s more about. The “hope” of something new, a fresh start, the hope that this upcoming new year will be different from the last.

God willing {for everyone} it will be…

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Bruises and hangers

I have bruises all over my arms and legs, but that’s what generally happens in a move. You bump things, carry heavy boxes and get some scrapes too along the way. 4 years I lived in the same place. The longest I’ve ever lived in one place in my entire adult life. I didn’t expect to be here this long, but regardless, its come to an end on almost 4 years to the day.

I’m fighting back tears and I’m sure as I keep typing, they’ll eventually fall because this whole process has been incredibly overwhelming, emotional and stressful. Not to mention humbling. So very humbling. 2 days before actually moving, I cried a lot. I was so overwhelmed by everything still left to be done. Boxes, trash and large amounts of my stuff all strewn over darn near every inch of my floors. I’m a very clean and tidy person and having everything everywhere was more than my brain could handle and I broke down often that day.

I never knew it but hangers are my Achilles heel. My complete undoing. I walked away from packing my many hangers at least 4 times, my brain couldn’t take it anymore. I was left staring at them, just staring at them blankly and eventually would walk away defeated.

They defeated me that day.

The day before the move was a completely different day. It was as if all the trauma and drama of the day before hadn’t even happened. I was functioning, positive and able to make progress little by little. Not to mention conquering the hangers and even taking it in stride when they started fighting back.

Only a few knew I was moving. And many of them, I told mere days before leaving when I’ve known it was coming for weeks. It was hard to talk about. A failure of sorts, though I know I’m not a failure, its still hard not to think so. It got to a point where I had to face the facts. I was looking for jobs everywhere but where I was living, and I had virtually nothing coming in since quitting my job, so why stay in an apartment I couldn’t afford any longer?

I chose to quit my job, I chose to put myself in this situation and I chose to accept my parents offer to stay with them until I found the job that would help me get back on my feet. They didn’t have to do that. They could have ‘taught me a lesson’, and refused to take me in, since this is all my doing, my choice. And I’m thankful to them for not.

I’m not a freeloader. I’ve told myself that over and over again. (I’ve read that sentence over and over again) I’m not. This is only temporary. I believe it. My parents believe it, its only temporary.

It’s still hard. Its going to be hard for them. Its going to be hard for me. Its going to take some adjusting. I’ve been on my own since I was 21. Lived by myself for 6 1/2 of those 11 years. We all have our own way of doing things, so there will be a learning curve for all of us as I get settled in.

Once this all settles, I hope to pick things back up here. I’m hoping so, any way. I have some fun things coming up, so I’m looking to turn my heaviness that’s been lurking here for awhile into a much lighter space.

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31 things I’m thankful for …well almost

Last day. This is the very last day I will ever be 31. Can I say it goes by fast? That the years fly by and I hardly know what age I am and often have to stop and think? And a lot of the times, I have to think of how old my siblings are and subtract backwards to figure out my age.

Its true. We’re all 2 years apart. (this is the year of the “evens”)

I’ve wished this month away, which is rare because this is “my” month. I normally love, enjoy and bask in the month of July, but this year, it has been a very tough one for me. One I’ve wished would zoom through so I can get into August because that would mean time is actually moving along and not at a complete standstill as its felt. I swear I’ve endured 2 months worth of time in this one, not even finished, month, its felt that long for me.

I’ll admit, my 30’s have not been anything like what I thought they’d be. So so different and the constant adjustments that have been made and still being made are always throwing me for a loop and keeping me on my toes where half the time I feel like I’m just getting back up only to fall back down again.

One thing I’ve found as I go through the years is its so tiring focusing on the negative. And being constantly negative. Pointing this out. That out. This is wrong. That is wrong. It’s a work in progress, but focusing on the positive, even if its miniscule and spinning a crappy moment or thought around to good, has been my goal the past year and more so the past few months.

Instead of focusing on the fact the chicken juices leaked all over the fridge and I have to spend time cleaning it; I do it quickly and focus on the fact my fridge is now squeaky clean and darn, I never would have cleaned it if it hadn’t been for the chicken.

So, even though this month has been a rough one for me, there have been so many great things going on. Things I still don’t see yet, things God is doing that I know will blow my mind when they happen, things that will have everything come together for His good.

I’m getting nudges to make changes. Nudges that are going to put me way out of my pride and comfort zone. That are both humbling and relieving. They frustrate me and have me feeling lost at times, but all I do (as best I can) is focus on Him nudging me. Because I know He doesn’t steer me wrong. ever.

I have such generous friends and family in my life and they’re a huge part of why I’m thankful for my last day at 31.

1. My parents. The things they’re so willing to do for me, and offer me, and extend to me. 1,000 thanks will never be enough.
2. Casey who sent me the perfect birthday gift of Dunkin coffee and a mug.
3. My friend who took me out to lunch yesterday for my birthday and made me feel special.
4. The unconditional love and support from G-man.
5. $3 flower arrangements from Trader Joe’s.
6. The ability to have real, honest conversations with this girl and this girl...and never to forget this girl.
7. Knowing I have friends so eager to see me, and offer to help make the trip happen. that’s all you, Myrtle.8. G-man sending me unexpected encouraging texts at just the right moment, when it would seem otherwise impossible.
9. The support of friends on Saturday and the fun that came of it.
10. New recipes even if they don’t turn out like the pictures.
11. God blessing me with the ever growing talent and passion of photography.
12. Making others cry…in a good way.
13. Bible studies with friends
14. My sister’s kind heart
15. My new schedule each day
16. Working out consistently
17. You. For all of you few who’ve stuck around with me and my blog these days.
18. Finding out I have perfect color vision. Eyes aren’t quite failing me like I thought

..and you know what? I’m gonna stop there. Not because I can’t think of 31 things, because I could just ramble off the most random of stuff, but because some things are meant to stay quiet behind the screen.
just woke up but enjoying my Dunkin’.

On this last day, I will eat lots of cookies and prepare myself for staying up until 3:02am to ring in the new year.
that or set my alarm for 3:02…we’ll see what happens.


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Adult sized tantrums

Have you seen one in person?

Yesterday, I saw a grown woman actually stomping her feet huffing and puffing with huge sighs…in public, and then not hold the door open for me. harumph!

Kidding…it was her friend who didn’t.

We all still have them. I have mine behind closed doors and in emails to friends. we’re still friends, right? Hard to say when I whine incessantly, it puts a true test to the friendship. I know its probably a shocker that I whine sometimes, on occasion, when the mood strikes..often, but alas its true.

Some of the reasons I’ve been whining (I’m going to make excuses now) is because I think my new laptop screen’s calibration is off. If you’re not familiar with calibration, its all about showing the correct colors of things, like photos especially. And when you’re playing with photos, you’d like to know what you’re seeing is accurate.

And then my major most recent denial (and biggest excuse), I think my eyesight has tweaked just slightly. I’m not going to say they’ve decreased in sight, but I’ve noticed they get tired, and blurry and find myself squinting on frequent rare occasions. I was told (7 years ago) that I wouldn’t need glasses till my 40’s…

I’m still holding onto that…

So add those two things together, and it’s a bit of a recipe for disaster and frustration. What I think may be good, or decent or even tolerable isn’t exactly shared by others (which is okay), so when I do something a little different and flip my lens around to attempt what’s called “macro” of a pink rose, my blurry near perfect eyesight, isn’t sure if what I’m seeing is “neat” or just a jumbled up mess of pink.

So I’ll let you decide.
- Does it make you scratch your head and think, ‘huh??’
- Is it interesting?
- Or is it ‘meh’?



I promise I will not have a tantrum on you regardless of your answer.

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You can’t lie to a lie detector

How often do we take risks in our lives?

I ask myself that hardly ever..until recently. The past few months I’ve asked myself a lot of questions. I’ve asked God a lot of questions and the answers I’ve been getting back have pretty much been the same. Trust and do. Do the risky thing like quit my job without another. Trust that He’ll take care of me and provide. Take that trip and trust it’ll work out for His glory in the end.

And I’m seeing that. In a lot of ways.

I have my third interview for the position I want today. Yesterday, I had to take a lie detector test for it. That was stressful. Never done one of those before until then and well, it was interesting. I looked back at my past, before going in and thought over all the things that could be potential problems. In all honestly there was only one thing that I was nervous about coming up. I even reached out to a couple friends voicing my concern, but I wouldn’t know for sure if it would need to come up or if I would be able to keep it quiet.

Turns out it had to come out. And thankfully, I brought it up on my own volition before the polygraph even began, during the ‘interview’ portion. He asked me a series of questions once I finished sharing, asking for more details, and it was tough only because I had forgotten so many of the little things that led to what I had done. But knew what I had done would effect the results of the polygraph had I kept it to myself and not been honest.

True to a ‘lie detector test’, he asked a series of questions before I got hooked up, then repeated the questions two more times while hooked up and it showed that thankfully I was telling the truth on everything, with him wording some of his questions with “other than what we discussed…” so my mind would be clear of that situation. And it worked.

The second round of questioning however had a slightly different outcome. Two questions were asked that I knew the moment I answered them, felt my heart speed up. After the first round was done, I turned and explained them before he had a chance to ask.

have you ever felt ashamed of something you did between 21-29? – no
but it was a yes! Again, falling back on what I had done all those years ago.

have you ever told a serious lie between 21-29? – no
again a yes!

Amazing how it works to reveal what you think you can hide from everyone.

After I explained that I was thinking of the incident, he wrote his notes and reworded the questions with the ‘other than what we discussed’ so my mind could be clear of it and again, it worked.

I see this with my relationship with God. I think I can hide my sins. That just because you can’t see them, that He won’t take note of them Himself, even though He sees them plain as day. That there aren’t going to be repercussions for them. The way it eats away at me. He’s forgiven me, I know this but it doesn’t mean I can continue to sin just for the sake of knowing I’ll always be forgiven them.

The truth will always come out. Whether it happens 2 days from it, 7 years (as in my case) or 30 years. It will always come out. For 7 years I’ve felt ashamed and guilty and talking about it yesterday was tough because I wasn’t sure if it would effect me getting the job, but I know it’s in God’s hands, as its always been. As trite as it is to say, I know He has it all taken care of because I’ve seen it in every single step I’ve taken these past couple months.

7 years ago I took a risk. It was the wrong risk to take. It was a risk that could have cost me my job had they found it out. A risk that let someone keep theirs (for the time being) but would have cost me mine. Its funny to look back and see that I risked my career for someone who didn’t deserve theirs but at the time I thought it was the only way.

Lie detectors will getchya! I know that now firsthand!

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Having flashbacks

Yesterday during the interview I told a couple prison stories. If this seems odd, it’s only because the position I’m going after is within a law enforcement agency and the questions they were asking were in direct line with my prison days.

It took awhile for the stories to come to the front of my brain before I could tell them and even then, they were a little spotty. It was as if they had to come from the deep vault I put them in, by way of searching the index card for their file number, grabbing the key, pulling the file out and on a slow conveyer belt, eventually making its way to the front of my brain for the memory.

They’ve been locked away for a few years, hardly ever accessed. On the rare occasion, one story will pop into my head or I’ll have the few and far between prison dream that’s very intense but other than that, I almost never talk about it. Sometimes I think my 6 years I worked there never happened, its such a distant memory that doesn’t seem plausible that I would ever do that.

After yesterday, it was as if the vault had been opened and left opened, because when it was time to go to sleep, there was a good 30 minutes when that’s all I could think of. And generally, thinking about prison stories before I sleep is about the worst thing I can do.

Memory after memory started flooding back. I started remembering the good, the bad and the horrific. Moments that had me chuckling and moments I had forgotten about that I was quick to tuck back away with thinking about anything good to overpower it.

Eventually I was able to stop thinking about it, and thankfully I didn’t suffer the consequences of it all in my dreams, but it had me wonder for a moment if I wanted this position because it has the likeliness of keeping this vault open. Getting back into this environment will no doubt bring back a part of the Emily I let go of when I retired 2 1/2 years ago. Ultimately I do want this job. A part of me craves being back into some form of law enforcement, even if it means not being an Officer, but it’s a matter of finding that balance that I wasn’t quite able to find before.

I think being older and *cough* wiser would help me in obtaining that balance. Sometimes I want to relive the “glory days” as odd as that may seem. As if I were more important then than I am now, and I want people to feel and know that. I know I’m important today, just in a different way. It goes back to the balance, I suppose, of being okay with where I am today since its in stark contrast to where I was or where I thought I’d be.

Its that contentment I guess, that I haven’t quite found just yet.

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Do I have to say?

I’m getting tested a bit with Jenni’s challenge today. Top 3 worst traits? Why would I dare reveal the absolute worst about me to you, who’s only seen (for the most part) my good side? What will this do to our friendships when you learn these things that I bury deep down inside so you can’t even get a glimpse of them, are revealed?

The first thing that popped into my head was, just 3…only? Yes, goodness, I have far more than 3 horrible traits. Now it’s a matter of narrowing them down using the do I tell that one? or this one…? no, I better tuck those away for another day, method.

                                                                                               oldie but goodie

So maybe I’ll be gentle on you (and myself) and give the lesser of the worst?

Spitting – oh, I hate that I just said that. I feel like it’s a trucker thing to do, but I spit. I spit a lot and it’s not just because I brushed my teeth and I want to get the toothpaste out. Its because I can’t breathe if I don’t. My sinuses are whack and morning, noon, and night (and almost every hour in between) I spit those kinds that clear your sinuses, in sinks, in trash cans, by my car door… but mainly sinks. .. Only my family and very very close friends even know that I do this and the code word for when I do is ‘don’t look’. {{my only good thing about it is I’ve perfected the silent spit. No hocking here}}

Anger – oh nelly, I tend to have a wee little issue with my anger. I even had a conversation with my friend just the other day of her witnessing my anger awhile back. She’d never seen that side of me and was quite shocked… and perhaps a little frightened. It wasn’t directed toward her but someone on the phone and I’d like to blame it on it was during the time I was still in corrections, which had a huge role in my temper spiking, but I still deal with it a bit to this day.

Attitude – you think this might go along with anger, but it doesn’t. I have quite the indifferent attitude..especially lately as I’m dealing with a lot of stuff in my life, and I’ve become this dead eyed, straight faced, no smile, sarcastic type of person mainly at work. I’ve even begun challenging things they tell me to do, or just flat out not do them. Or give just a hint of attitude with each thing they say.

Is this wrong? Of course. I know this deep down, but there comes a time in my life when someone tells me I have to kiss each and every a** that comes in that door to make them feel like they’re royalty when they make me feel like dirt, that I have to stand up for myself and say enough.

Well shoot! Look at that, my anger wanted to creep out just a little bit. Let me tuck that away before I continue.

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A lot of times I know think I fall short in the sugar and spice and everything nice category. I see those women who truly have this happiness about them that can look on the bright side and encourage others even while they’re down. Who can have this tender, sweet, gentle disposition and I can’t even tell you how much I long for that and give it a test run to see if that can be me. But then its National Pull Out in Front of Emily Day and everything goes right out the window.

I wonder how they do it. How can they have the type of personality that when others meet them they say ‘she really is the sweetest person, inside and out’.. ‘on her blog and in real life’.

Seriously, if you met me, first thing you’d probably say is, ‘yup, she’s just as sarcastic (if not more) in person as she is on her blog.’ I do have a tender side, promise. I almost feel like calling out some friends to come forward to vouch for it, but alas, I’ll refrain.

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I hope those of you in the states have a wonderful Memorial Day weekend! I may or may not be going out of town with someone.. I can’t confirm or deny this until Tuesday.

Happy weekend to you!! If you’re feeling frisky, and want to help me feel better about myself, by all means, tell me as many horrible traits about yourself as you want. No judging over on this end.

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The mind is a terrible thing to waste

Oh hi guys! How’d you get along over the weekend? I’ll be honest and say I had several rough patches the past couple days. If I could erase 89% of my Saturday, I wouldn’t mind one single bit. It went down in my books as one of my worst days to date.

The mind is a terribly fickle thing. So easily taken over and run.

Saturday morning I had something huge going on. Exciting and fun and 5 minutes before walking out the door, it got canceled. Not just canceled, but the person who was heading it all up didn’t even bother telling me it was canceled. I had to reach out to her sister in law, for her to tell me it was canceled. It put the biggest damper on my day, I can’t even tell you!

There was no getting out of it from that early point on. It of course opened my mind to all the niggling negative thoughts I ignore and had them magnify to 100. It practically rendered me incapacitated for the rest of the day, being consumed by every sad thought I could possibly allow, having me sink deeper and deeper into myself, thinking God wanted me to think them. That He was ‘telling’ me something.

It was crazy. It exhausted me to the point of not even wanting to open my mouth to talk to anyone, it would have been too much effort. I went to bed that night with a broken spirit and heart.

Come morning, one of my first thoughts were, God would never hit me from every angle with such negative thoughts. He would never beat me down leaving me so confused and unable to make sense of my thoughts to show me His way or give me His answer. I immediately knew at that moment, it was Satan. He brought me down to such a level that kept me from reaching out to anyone. Because if I would have been able to talk it through, I would have felt better, but I believed I would feel “better” if I stayed unmoving on the couch, staring at the same spot on the wall for hours as the thoughts consumed me.

I realize this is quite candid and quite different than normal, but I shield a lot from this blog. I cover a lot of struggles and issues I’m facing because they’re not something I want to talk about. As I’m sure a lot of your lives are the same, its not always daisies and sunshine, yet I had to share what I was facing over the weekend. The spiritual attack that thankfully come Sunday, was defeated by my One and only true God, was no joke.

Sunday eventually gave me those daisies and sunshine, turning everything around. I even, for what is probably the first time in years, worked out on a Sunday, heading to the track only to find no one there. Having it all to myself on a beautiful afternoon was just the added peace I needed. God sure does know how best to take care of me.

Please tell me you had a better weekend than I did.

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A holding pattern

Welcome to the very first Monday of the new year! Already in this one week alone, so much has gone on. Its been a busy one! Especially the weekend.

Its taken over 8 months, but I’ve finally made the decision to get myself back. Its been about that long since I’ve actually cooked for myself. I’ve made a meal here and there, but 9 times out of 10, I’ve gone the route of veggies and sweet potato and called it a night. Or just a sweet potato..or just the veggies.

Not exactly the healthiest for me.

I’ve had myself in this holding pattern for so long with little to no motivation or energy to do anything more. A funk if you will and over the weekend, I finally told myself to snap out of it. I’ve held onto a lot of stress lately and its been so draining and it leaves me with no ability to make anything at night. I think all of its been the main reason my clothes are a lot looser and ultimately dropping down a size in pants.

I was shocked and confused months ago when I noticed how loose they were and couldn’t figure out why. I’d synch a belt just so they’d stay on. I cheered with a friend when I tried the next size down and had them fit perfectly, celebrating my new ‘tinier’ size. I size I’ve never been. I thought it was because I was working out consistently that was doing it, but it wasn’t until this past week that I really got to thinking that it might be because I haven’t been eating enough.

To put the fears aside, I’m not anorexic. I actually still weigh the same with the same 5lb fluctuation. And I could easily link back to the week where I ate a buffalo burger every day for a week straight. I love food. There’s no doubt about it. I just wasn’t eating enough.

When I went to the store Monday night last week, I loaded up. On stuff I thought would get me through the week, but what ultimately didn’t last me past Wednesday morning. It was in that moment, opening my fridge and seeing a carton of 1/2 and 1/2 and a couple apples and nothing else, that I realized I haven’t gone grocery shopping in months. I’d go to the store every week, but only for something here or there, but never to actually make meals.

Cooking for 1 isn’t exactly the most enjoyable thing. Its actually downright depressing and tiring and I made sure to avoid it at all costs.

Saturday morning came and I had every intention of making the morning a Costco morning. My weariness won out and I ended up staying warm under a blanket on the couch, eating the bear minimum. I had a jewelry party that night and even though I was starving, I knew she’d have food (as most of them do) and waited until I got there.

Nasty oven baked fake taquitos were her party food of choice. I had 2…and that was my dinner that night.

Sunday, I had more resolve. Even though my energy was zapped, I made the drive to Costco and got as much as I could possibly think of. Then once I got home, I poured over my food board on pinterest, and wrote down all the other things I needed and made the trek to my grocery store. $200 later, I was ready to get to work.

For 3 1/2 hours I cooked.

I made 5 Roasted sweet potato wraps for lunches.


5 steel cut oats w/fresh fruit for breakfasts.


and 5 dinners of sautéed veggies and chicken.


A week’s worth of meals, healthy complete meals, where I can come home, reheat and not have to wonder what I’ll be making. It takes so much stress out of my week knowing I have healthy meals already prepared for me. No more running to Subway and wasting money on lunches. Or making toast in the morning that will only leave me starving by 9am.

I’m ready to eat again, to cook again for myself and get back into a functioning human being who’s not in this stall pattern. Its amazing how much I’ve wasted these past many months but from this moment on, my goal is to make my week’s worth of meals every Sunday and to eat like there’s no tomorrow…even if that means not being able to fit into my new smaller pants.



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Not all rainbows and sunsets

I feel the good always gets shared with my trips to Hawaii, I never get to tell the behind the scenes of the good. Granted I did talk about the helicopter ride and how it wasn’t as great as I wished, but like any trip, there’s many things that go wrong or not good at all.

I’ve been beyond blessed to have the opportunity to travel there several times and island hop as well, and believe it or not, I always am wishful that everything will go off without a hitch each and every time. And each and every time that is not the case.

I have grand plans to hike Koko Head. I can’t even tell you how much I’ve wanted to hike it, but we always sit around the apartment instead. Its kind of embarrassing really, admitting that we sit around the apartment watching tv more often than not. Believe me, I’m not one to give you tips and advice on the things to see around Oahu because well, I’ve “done them” but not to the full ‘local’ or ‘tourist’ extent. Why?? because that pesky tv…and pure laziness, since I’m being honest.

There’s also little things that creep into the trip that want to create mountains out of mole hills. Getting lost or one person not being in as much a hurry as the other, misunderstandings.. they happen. I think that’s normal for any couple. Its safe to say, and though its irksome at times, we have an argument on every single trip we take. Its silly but it happens.

I was thankful when I read another blogger who admitted that happens with her and her husband on every trip. The stresses always build. Expectations, ideas, plans. They’re all there in both our minds and when it doesn’t work like one imagined, boom! Things get tense. It generally lasts a few hours and after that, everything is grand and the trip is practically perfect.

{Someone should do a study on that.}

But its ok! Its ok we have these spats. G-man and I are very different in our thinking and we’re bound to clash from time to time. It used to scare me. Thinking one fight would lead to an inevitable breakup, but that was in the beginning, in my new relationship immaturity. Now I get things off my chest like its no one’s business…well, I make it his business!

I’ll never forget the ‘one’ in Rome. A doozy that lasted over a day. Imagine being upset with each other for a whole day in Rome! We spent an entire month in a car driving across country without any problems and we choose to have a big fight in Rome!? Craziness, I tell you!

Any way, I hadn’t intended to share any of this actually, at.all.  I had plans to tell you how I found a dead mouse on the floor of the restaurant after we finished our meal.. and how I made G-man take our rental car back after 2 hours because of the ant trail I found in the car, but ‘we’ came out instead. I’m not sure why, but maybe to convey that we’re normal. We fight, we disagree, we aren’t perfect in any way, and I truly hope that I don’t portray this “I travel all the time with my love, life is perfect” persona. Heck, I’m 3500 miles away from the man, things are anything but perfect.

But I love him and he loves me. We work really hard to make it work, with the distance and though it sucks and I’m tired of it, I wouldn’t ask for anyone else in my life. My hope {for the future} comes from the Lord, the Maker of Heaven and Earth, and I know there’s going to be a great ending.

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Looking at myself

I've been following along with She Reads Truth and doing their bible studies...in my own way. I read what they say to read every morning, I think it over, underline and sometimes write notes in my bible. I don't go full out with a notepad filled with verses, notes and doodles to have it really stick. I do what some would say is the minimum, and though I'm not necessarily content in my methods of studying, I'm thankful I'm reading God's word daily.

Though, there's been a struggle going on each day I read. I read for others in mind. I read a certain verse and think, 'if only they would read this.' 'if only I could get them somehow to understand this.' 'this applies to them so much right now' and I would underline and make notes with them in mind. Not me.

Every day I see myself doing this and every day I do my best to stop. To put myself in front. To read for me and what I need to work on in my life, because I know what I'm saying they need to read is what I need to read as well. My heart is just as deceitful and bitter. It holds the same amount of clamor and wrath and anger and slander and malice. (Eph 4:31) I may hold it in (for a little bit longer than them) but I still have it there in my heart and it still spews out of my mouth easier and quicker than others.

I pray a lot about having the verses work in my heart, in my life, and its becoming almost a daily prayer because I can't stop wanting others to be changed by the verses I read and having their eyes opened. I know it won't effect them. They aren't reading it so obviously no changes will be made in their lives, but its mine that its needed in.

Even with this ongoing revelation, I still feel the desire for others to change. Reading an excerpt on Katie's blog from the book "Bittersweet" had me thinking of all my married with kids friends, and wishing they'd read the book. I've seriously debated talking about this for so long but I know you read my blog and in every way I want you to take anything I say, the right way, so I’ve struggled with opening up.

How can I share that I feel like I'm nothing to just about all my married with kids friends, because they never make time to hangout with me? That I see them (or hear about) them hanging out with other friends but when I ask for just one hour of their time, they don't have it. They're too busy, or the kids are impossible to get away from... 

I do understand that when kids come into the picture EVERYTHING changes. I. get. that. And when you add 2, 3, 4 or more kids under a certain age, life is thrown into a tailspin. But I feel left out. Maybe I'm too selfish. Maybe I put more stock in the friendship. Maybe I'm being incredibly unfair. Maybe when my day comes and I have a brood of children at my feet the light bulb will go off and I'll call to apologize.

Right now? I don't get it. And it makes me feel like retreating. Like not even putting in the effort anymore because they don't want to. I don't have the kids in common, play date, get-together’s to be our connection. It makes my time here lonely. And isolating. And disconnected.

I'm not in the same place as anyone around me and I feel like the odd man out, and without Facebook, it makes my outsider feelings complete.

I know I've already taken huge steps back from everyone I've known in my little town. Helping the isolation by not texting or emailing or reaching out to them, because honestly? I'm tired of rejection. It hurts and I don't want to keep getting hurt. I'd rather go to work, go home, do a jewelry party with strangers who make time for me and go back home to a quiet empty apartment, than text a friend and not hear back for days. Or suggest to plan a get together and have it never work out.

I'm not content or happy in this, but its less painful this way.

There’s always the exception and that exception came over last night. I had a great time. We planned 6 weeks ahead and actually had our ‘date’ stick, and I was so happy it worked out, because we had such a nice time.

Like reading verses, if I choose to read that book, or any other, I need to read it for myself. Because God knows how much change I need to do in my own heart. I can pray all day and night for God to change and soften my heart but until I'm willing, it will remain in the same state of discontent and frustration.

Ephesians 4:32 speaks loud enough to me that it stings.
Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

"be kind and tender-hearted.."  two things I could definitely be more of...

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Vanity filled

via

Is this vain? Is this smart? Is this putting way too much thought into it?
Hard to say, but what I've decided to do..or at least cut back considerably in doing is drinking out of a straw. Random, right?

I bought this nifty new water bottle to replace my, older than I care to admit one, that has a straw in it. At first I thought it was so cool. I no longer had to hoist the bottle up with the fear of it dribbling down my face, chest and lap (cause that was happening) but I started to pay attention to the lip pucker...and there's a lot of lip pucker. I drink almost a gallon of water a day out of it so imagine, if you will how often I'm sucking down on that straw. 
By week 2 is when I noticed that it simulated a smoker. {do you think I'm crazy yet?} Maybe you do, but I'm around a lot of smokers and I see the horrible lines they have around their mouths from the constant pucker and heck if I (the non smoker that I am) will have those lines from drinking out of a straw! I'm getting wrinkles regardless. You all know, if you've been around for awhile, I've been talking a bit about them on my face and neck. Its natural, its going to happen, but I certainly don't want to speed up the process over a silly straw!
After moving the straw to the left side of my mouth...then the right side..then not fully putting my lips on it and having it spray all over me and looking like a fool, I decided to take the lid off every time and drink like its a glass of water. Surprisingly, I'm almost doubled my water intake because of it.
Feel free to call me silly or superficial, I don't mind. I prefer to age gracefully…not to mention slowly. I'm sure someone will say, 'so you won't kiss because it may cause wrinkles?' and no... I'll happily kiss for 30 minutes and not think once about any wrinkles forming, but a straw? There's no enjoyment in those wrinkles.
have you thought of this? 
- I never did in my 20's but I'm in my 30's now and I'm a lot more aware of what can affect and damage my skin. 
Speaking of vanity, I put the 'pin it' button on the blog for the cookies, Friday. Just in case anyone wanted to pin it and have it be a quick easy way and now its on each and every post and I can't remove it! I've gone into HTML and searched all over for it and can't find a way to take it out, so I promise, I'm not so conceded that I think you'll want to pin every single post I put up.
And seriously, if you know how to find it in my HTML, tell me and I'll send you a cookie!







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If you really knew me…

YES! I’m jumping on this too. I have no doubt the majority of you have seen this going around, if not done it yourself. I think it’s absolutely a lot of fun, and couldn’t NOT do it, myself.


If you really knew me…

>> you’d know I’ve moved 24 times and foresee many more to come.

>> you’d know I’ve gone on major spending sprees in the past, plunking down $500-$2300 in a day but I no longer do that.

>> you’d know the first pair of designer jeans I bought 8 years ago for $218, are jeans I still own and wear to this day.

>> you’d know my favorite ice cream is mint chocolate chip (the green kind).

>> you’d know I hardly ever wore shorts in my 20’s because I thought my legs were too chunky. How stupid was I?!

>> you’d know I now own 9 pair of shorts and the number continues to grow.

>> you’d know I had no intention of staying in my current apartment for more than 6 months and even told my landlord this…but still find myself here almost 3 years later.

>> you’d know I sell lia sophia jewelry and am darn good at it.

>> you’d know that every time I step inside my dark apartment late at night and close the door, I imagine someone coming out of the darkness and attacking me.

>> you’d know that G-man believes I’m addicted to chapstick. And on the off chance I have him hold it for me while we’re out, he won’t give it to me when I ask for it because he thinks it’s “helping me” break the habit.

>> you’d know I used to always be in chat rooms back in the 90’s (when they used to be cool). But only the clean ones. I’d always leave when things got inappropriate.

>> you’d know I’m an open book and have never been good at hiding my emotions.

>> you’d know in college I had a running bet with a guy friend on who would cry first. and that 1 1/2 years later on the phone, he was telling me of his breakup and mentioned he cried, to which I cut him off and yelled, ‘haha you cried, you lose!’ I’ve never been prouder of myself.

>> you’d know I now cry over every little thing. Happy, sad, laughing, depressed, angry. You  name it, I instantly choke up…and that I blame age for this.

>> you’d know I hate to stand and talk to people without some form of support against me, like a wall, a car, a counter. Without it, I’m miserable (physically and mentally).

>> you’d know I have very morbid bathroom dreams that always involve one or more people one way or another watching me go…*cough* number 2. Different settings, different people, different languages (like Russian) but a constant dream for the past 17 years.

I had to end on a good note.. *ahem*




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Put a lid on it

Ladies, I’m blown away by your comments on yesterday's post. Truly blown away. I loved how passionate you all got on the topic and not only that, how passionate and committed you are for your husbands! I love it!

I have so much to learn from all of you. You guys are a well spring of knowledge!

I realize I’m not the best example all the time. I get perturbed sometimes, way too easily. I mumble under my breath backhanded comments like a pro, and I judge. I say I don’t but I do..ok, I say I do. I work hard not to and fight the urge but it happens.

If there’s one thing that I need to learn that hasn’t quite caught on, that the wiser Emily refrains from, is sharing stories about co workers. And I’ll add on; random people I meet who may or may not have my cell phone number. Because there is that slight possibility, regardless of how much you don’t talk about your blog, they could one day find it.

How crappy would that be if they stumbled upon a post and realized it was about them? Pretty crappy.

Tuesday night I had a bit of a scare that I think darn near set me straight. I had 2 new followers on instagram. First thought was, great! new followers make me smile. But once I saw who they were I got a bit confused how they found me.

They are both in real life acquaintances…that I never shared I was on instagram, let alone my name on there. One, I was ok with, but the other…well the other I’ve kinda been openly sharing certain stories about this week…

*hangs head in shame*

I swear, I’m a horrible example. Never take after me.

Who knew you could open your contacts in Instagram and find who has an account??! I sure didn’t! Until Tuesday. I can only hope no one feels the need to look through my old photos showing my blog.

I’ve pretty much learned my lesson. It goes back to gossiping without using names, its still gossiping. I hate when I’m guilty of the things I blog about saying I’m not going to do.

Feel free to chastise me vehemently.

                                             this is a, reflect on what you just learned ‘deep thoughts’ picture

Have a good Deep Thoughts caption for this picture? do share!

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Why I’m not a real photographer

So, remember when I said I did a family session..and a wedding..and a fundraiser and umm a church ministry shoot…?

Remember those? No? Well, I’ve been a bad pseudo-photographer and hadn’t finished editing…any of them. I won’t even mention how long its been since the first shoot. Its that bad.

Hoooowever, that sort of changed over the weekend. Pretty much every single weekend I chastise myself vehemently about not finishing them, and then the weekend passes, week day life takes over and I don’t think about it again until the new weekend rolls around since I have time to dwell.

I’m a good dweller, in case you haven’t caught on.

But like I said, I fixed it a bit this weekend. I knocked out 1 1/2 of them. I’m giving myself mad props for this.

yes, I just said mad props.

I’m a typical shooter. I dream of being creative and fun, where my images stand out from others, but I’m not exactly there yet. I don’t have a lot of time to practice lately so its still an imagination of mine verses it being a reality. So, when my good friend, who I look up to in photography, tells me that an image of mine has ‘moodiness’ with 2 !!, I get excited. Especially when that’s just what I was going for.

Black and whites have been my struggle. You would never know how difficult it is to make an image black and white until you do it {properly}. There are so many things to take into consideration, so many things I’m still learning, that 7 out of 10 black and whites I do are wrong. you have no idea how frustrating that is

Along with my lack of prompt editing skills is my real reason why I won’t be ‘official’ and charge people any time soon.

My same friend sent me a web link that put it all in perspective for me and proved I’m not ready. I don’t think I realized how elaborate it was to begin your photography business legitimately, until that post. I don’t have time for all the requirements right now and am ok with that.

Though I may not dive into this and make people pay me, I’ll still happily shoot friends who are looking for some new pictures, provided they understand it will take them a good 4 or more months before getting their images.

Did I just admit that!??

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You can’t lay down!

The other day I needed to look for my qualification card for my weapon and I came across my old notepad I used to carry around while working in prison.

I flipped through it, stopping to read the many notes I wrote to myself that was needed at the time. As I continued to flip, I came across this page. ‘YOU CAN’T LAY DOWN’. It immediately brought me back to the moment I wrote it and I couldn’t help but shake my head at my silliness creativity.

I was exasperated at that moment. I had only transferred to the 2nd prison a few months earlier, still adjusting to the way it was ran {and not liking it} when I was in charge of supervising a ‘cage’ of inmates waiting to see medical. Only a few were left waiting and one lied down on the bench.

Which wasn’t allowed.

I ordered him to sit up, but he wouldn’t. We exchanged words back and forth and he finally spat out, ‘I DON’T SEE IT WRITTEN DOWN ANYWHERE THAT I CAN’T!!’

Out comes my little notepad and I scribble furiously on it, holding it up to the chain link that separates us so he could see it.

Once he read it, he sat up and remained that way until his name was called for the doctor.

I admit, I was dumbstruck he actually obeyed once he saw the note but the other part was still seething over how these inmates at this prison acted, which was in complete contrast to the inmates at the first prison I worked.

Working in a prison required a lot of creativity. Sometimes that creativity wouldn’t come and I had to rely on someone else’s, but it was essential in order to work around inmates.

Since finding the notepad, I’ve had a lot of memories comes back. Some good. Some bad. Some where all I can do is smile or shake my head in frustration. I have to remind myself they’re just memories. They can’t be changed. There’s no sense in continuously beating myself up over my past actions because they’re done…but I do.

I get disappointed in myself over some memories, hating myself for some actions, even growing frustrated when I remember the things I did..and didn’t do. Is it possible to forgive yourself for your past?

It’s always talked about forgiving others, but what about yourself?
There’s still some things I hold over my head that I don’t seem to want to let go of.

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Caught in a truth

Last weekend I was surrounded by 25 women in one of their homes. It was loud, a bit chaotic but a lot of fun. Among the 25, I knew 2, and really 1 of the 2 I knew more than as an acquaintance. As I’m talking with all of them, socializing and doing what I do, a 12 year old girl came over and started talking to me.

She reminded me a lot of my niece so we talked about jewelry, school and age..believe it or not. Bless her heart, she showed shock when I told her I was 30.

Once she walked away, an older woman was standing beside me and I mumbled half to myself half to her, ‘she is such a cutie.’ That’s when the woman told me she was her Grandmother. I had a moment of panic, replaying what I said, figuring if I said something nice or not (it was chaotic, so the brain was running a little slow) but I was relieved I in fact said a compliment.

It was in that moment it occurred to me just how careful I need to be with my words. What if I said something unpleasant about the girl (though there wasn’t anything unpleasant about her)? But what if the baby that was getting passed around was getting on my nerves and I let something slip with someone standing near? Or another woman…anyone.

You never know who is around you. But more so, you never can be certain who knows who when you’re talking about someone {whether its good or bad}.

We all know its best to keep certain comments to ourselves. It doesn’t benefit anyone to talk down about someone, but we’re human and things slip out, sometimes before we can even stop them from tumbling past our lips.
via pinterest

I know from experience.

After that night, I realized how loose my lips had been about that certain person I’ve replaced at work. Mind you, I’m not saying anything mean, rude or nasty. Only facts about how she was “running” the company, but I’ve been rather vocal about it.

This office had only had me there (at the time) for 2 days and I was openly talking about how wrong she was doing things, and what’s bad is that office is brick and the voice carries no matter how quiet you get. So I know, I wasn’t being cautious as I should because truthfully, I don’t know where these co-worker’s loyalties lie. But I can tell you, its not with me.

I’ve been reckless. It took me saying a kind word about a girl to the unsuspecting Grandmother for me to realize it.

Many times people will pretend they don’t know the person you’re talking about or even pretend they don’t like them in order to get your ‘dirt’. I’ve done it before, so I know there are others who do it with far better skill than me.

Think about holding your tongue if a stranger is annoying you. Their spouse could be right behind you, or the mother.
Search your heart if you find yourself always criticizing others or putting them down. You don’t gain anything by insulting others, it only serves to paint you in an ugly light, and who wants to be in the ‘ugly light’?

Psalm 141:3
Set a guard, OH LORD, over my mouth; Keep watch over the door of my lips.

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Eating for you

A couple of days ago I went to Costco to get some essentials. Not really anything to make meals, but food that I eat on a regular basis that I was completely out of.

If you follow me on instagram (emily_grapes) then you know what I got…cause don’t we all love to show each other our cart!?

I’m fighting not getting off on that tangent, so I’ll continue..

After I posted the picture, I looked down and realized I forgot the eggs! {drats!} but not only that, but the fact that what I was buying was healthy…minus that bacon of course, but that it wasn’t really food.

The full on nourishing food that my body needs. They were all more on the lines of sides. The crazy thing is, lately, that’s all I’ve been eating. A bunch of sides. Sure I made those enchiladas a couple weeks ago, but looking at my habits, I eat very sparingly. Or not even bothering because either I’m too worn out to cook something up or well, just plain lazy and ignore the hunger until its unbearable.

I definitely don’t recommend this. I know its not healthy and I think knowing that has me consuming the mountain of veggies that I do, to sort of combat that.

Years ago, I had a personal trainer who made me look at how many calories I was consuming a day. We discovered I consumed less than 1000 calories a day on average. less than 1000 calories a day!!

Now add the fact I was working out hard up to 5 days a week and carrying a physically demanding job 40+ hours a week that burned a lot of those calories. My body fat was below 11% and because of that, I had a lot of issues within. Things weren’t working properly and I was advised I needed to add at least 400 calories a day. That was so hard! I remember talking to a co worker who consumed close to 3000 calories a day, eating full meals every 3 hours, for help. This man was in great shape, believe it or not, so I knew I could trust him.

He really helped me out, giving me foods that had estrogen in it even, since my body wasn’t producing what it should. It took months, but I began to tell a difference.

Fast forward to today and I’m getting right back into that way of eating. Its never on purpose, it just happens. I do my small breakfast, to apples and peanut butter to whatever leftover lunch I have to usually broccoli and spinach in the evening..with maybe a sweet potato, if I have one…or just a chicken salad.

I know my calories are really low and maybe that’s why I have so little energy lately, but it is so hard, especially living alone to get myself to cook especially since I don’t have cheese in the house anymore. No more quick fix quesadilla or nachos.

I’m telling you all this, not to get on me, or feel anything for me really, but to tell you to not do this. They say the average women’s BMI (body mass index) should be around 18-24%. That’s healthy. And a woman my height and weight should consume from 1400-1900 calories a day to maintain. I can tell you now, that’s not happening.

Its so important to eat. Your body needs the calories to function. Even losing weight, you need to eat. Starving yourself only holds onto the fat you’re wanting to lose, so make sure you eat. I know I sound like a walking contradiction because I’m saying one thing and doing another, but I know what I’m supposed to do, I’m just not doing it because I’m dumb {a little known fact} so don’t be dumb like me..eat! and eat good healthy foods your body needs!

If this is something you struggle with to, let me know, maybe we could work together to make sure we eat what we need.

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