Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Marriage is horrible

Or so I keep getting told lately.

It saddens me there are so many married women (and men) out there who feel its necessary or even appropriate to “warn” single women from getting married. As if every marriage is going to be like their unhappy one.

I think a lot of people believe that about marriage. That it all goes to hell in a hand basket over time and there’s no way around it. So prepare for being miserable with the ol’ ball and chain.
{I do hate that saying}
It immediately sets you up for failure, in my opinion. Guys joke with other guys that all she’s going to do is drag you down, keep you from having fun and partying and…what? hookin’ up?

I don’t get it.

One girl…who ironically was the one calling me a “B” on Sunday, came up to me out of the blue and said, ‘you wanna see what marriage is all about?’ and showed me a text her husband sent her. It was an angry text laced with a pretty foul word. She walked away but not before mumbling, don’t ever get married!

A co worker of mine was on the phone with her husband in an argument and after hanging up said, ‘I hate my 'f****** husband!’ She said it just loud enough for me to hear in hopes I’d make a comment, but I walked away pretending I didn’t hear a word.

I’m not going to encourage you to trash talk a man I’ve never met in my life because you had a disagreement.

Another woman who’s been married before is in a long distance relationship with her boyfriend. He’s about 3 hours away and she was saying how she only sees him every 2-3 weeks and a few days at a time at that because after a few days, she can’t stand him anymore and wants to go home.

People laughed but I find it far from funny. Why be with him then!?

I can’t wait for marriage. I’m realistic, I know there’s going to be ups and downs (as evidenced in my dating relationship with G-man) and its going to take work, some days more than others and loads of communication but darn if I don’t look forward to it all…and darn if I have the confidence to pull it off, rather successfully I might add.

So many married couples don’t respect each other anymore. If they did they wouldn’t happily bash their husbands to all their girlfriends. Getting the proverbial “amen” when they tell another, ‘I hate when my husband does…’ story.

In all the years I’ve been with G-man, never once have I bashed him to any of my girlfriends. If I don’t have something cheery to say, I just don’t speak. It does our relationship no good to do that. Believe me, I’m not a saint by any means. I’ve had things I’ve wanted to say but it isn’t worth harming my friendships or relationship.

Any way, I can’t figure out what makes a person want to trump someone’s happiness in their marriage? You know there’s those who, once you say how happy and great your marriage is, scoff. Give you that look of disbelief and say, ‘just wait. you’ll sing a different tune soon enough.’ What do they gain from that? Are they jealous? Are they wanting to bring you down to their unhappiness level??

I hope more women stand up for their marriages and their husbands. If they’re unhappy, to actually talk it out with their husbands and no one else to hopefully make a step toward change. Who wants to be miserable their whole life?

Have you had someone give you that speech or similar? Telling you it won’t last. The honeymoon phase will fade quickly.

What are some ways you respond?

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The Heart Of A Woman said...

I have heard people say certain marriages won't last over a year. I'm not sure they said that about us, but they didn't say it directly to me. I LOOOVVEEE my husband. Marriage has been so much better than dating. He even has said that to his unmarried friends. It is hard sometimes, but it's worth it. Our wedding song was, "Love is not a fight," by warren barfield.

Love is a shelter in a raging storm
Love is peace in the middle of a war
And if we try to leave, may God send angels to guard the door
No, love is not a fight but it's something worth fighting for

Wendy said...

Oh my! I can completely relate to this post! Hubby and I will be married 2 years this coming September, and being married is one of the biggest blessings I have ever received. Like you said, it's not always easy and there are definitely ups and downs. But marriage is part of God's divine plan (Matthew 19:5-6) and it is a sacred union between a man and a woman. I never bash or trash talk my husband to other women, or to anyone for that matter. Respecting each other is a key to a happy marriage. Maybe if those ladies would respect their husbands a little more, they would be a little bit happier in their marriage.

And, also, as soon as we got engaged, I started getting the comments about how terrible marriage is. I feel sorry for those people, really. What a miserable way to live.

Anyway, I'm done with my rant now. Hang in there, girlie. You and G-Man are going to have a wonderful, happy and blessed marriage! :)

GreenGirl said...

As you know, I have definitely had the forms of friends having affairs.
When Dan and I go out to expensive dinners, or buy something, or if he does something nice for me, I get "oh you are still in the honeymoon phase...just wait!"
I can count on one hand how many times Dan and I have had a legit arguement, but it's resolved within a day or less.
I have tended to be closed lipped about him though with certain aspects of our relationship for sure.
As you can remember, I didn't want to get married based on what you just wrote about. Why bother if it is so miserable and doesn't last??

I think respect is lost in relationships these days. I have a tendency to be more dramatic than Dan for sure and thankfully he is teaching me patience among many other things.

For real though, I think that people enter marriage for all the wrong reasons. When people get married to fulfill their own needs through another person, that's where it takes a turn for the worst. When they look to enter into a relationship to help them not be lonely, or because "everyone else is paired off"...disaster!
The goal, in my mind, is that you begin a relationship to really help yourself become a better person. If treated with honor and love, your partner can be your greatest teacher.
So sad, Emily...I know what you are talking about!

sandi said...

those that are unhappy with marriage are self-centered and don't realize how to serve the other spouse. it's not what you get out of the relationship, but what you give. of course that is my opinion. i have been married for 14 years. has every single day been easy? no. but every single day brings some sort of blessing if you look for it. you have to RESPECT your husband and they have to LOVE you ~ that is biblical.

the best book we read was "the five love languages". it teaches you what your spouses love language is ~ acts of service, words of affirmation, gifts, physical touch and one other that i can't recall at the moment. then you can "love" them in that language. if your spouse likes words of affirmation, then build up his self esteem by thanking him for working hard so you can stay home with the children. if your wife is acts of service then pull out the vacuum once in a while.

i have been in groups of women when husband bashing was going on and i can honestly say that i have never participated in that sport. my husband loves me and our three children. it is evident by his actions. because of that i really have no complaints!

how do you respond? sometimes you just can't because what you want to say might be disrespectful to the individual. they married for some reason and it's their fault they are not working to make it better. unless you know the person well, that is not easy to say or receive.

unfortunately the same thing will happen when children come along ~ comments about never going out to eat again or going away on a spur of the moment weekend. those things still can happen they just take a little more effort. don't even get me started on comments received when waddling through target with two littles and a third on the way... some people can be so cruel. one of these days i will say what's on my mind... yes, my hands are full... full of blessings and love, and guess what? they all have the same daddy!

Daisy said...

I completely agree with Wendy. RJ and I both agree that marriage is the biggest blessing. I remember a few people telling me how much marriage sucks. For a few days I was really worried, but luckily I talked to a happily married woman.

When people try to talk about their husbands I always say that It's disrespectful. I don't think they would like it if their husband was doing the same thing. Marriage is hugely what you put into it. People want to be served but not often serve others. I always have to remind myself to serve my husband and not just expect him to do it.

Lauren said...

I totally relate. I've been told "Oh that mushy stuff will get old"!? Really, your telling me that my love and passion for my husband is going to grow cold? Why would it?

Marriage is the biggest blessing besides my salvation that I have ever experienced. Is marriage work? You better believe it! But anything you value or love you work at.

J and I love each other so much. We just talked about this yesterday. If your marriage stinks then that is because some one some where has dropped the "ball".

When women around me start to do the whole bashing of husbands I either encourage them with some advice or walk away. Depending on the nature of the relationship. I do however always say "If your that unhappy then you guys need to communicate and get marriage counseling" (They never like it when I say that but it does usually stop the bashing) It breaks my heart to see people just give up on their marriage and except mediocre. NOT ME! I want passion and Love. And I HAVE it.

I sometimes feel I'm actually the minority. I know more failed or troubled marriages then I know a healthy biblical marriage. This makes me sad.

Lisa said...

My folks have been together for 44 years and married for 41 and I have been around for ummmmm well 38 of those years and never ever not even once have I heard either of them bad mouth the other.

Oh they fight and get mad and just plain don't like each other occasionally but they never utter a negative or more accurately a derogatory word about each other.

I pray I have the opportunity to use the example which has been set for me..

Happy birthday month gorgeous!

Bethany G said...

This is sad and terrible!

I think its so so important to never talk bad about your husband/boyfriend to other people! It is so disrespectful and definitely the opposite of love!

Bethany G said...

..sorry, it was bothering me ! ;)

~Love Lis said...

Even though, I have lived through a tough marriage that has been slowly ending, I'm all for marriage. I wouldn't discourage anyone because it's definitely going to be different for them. I would ignore anyone who says it's not going to last--you'll always surprise them. Yes, the honeymoon phase does end but that's where long term friendship and companionship steps into place.

Noa / said...

I would never EVER bad mouth my husband like that. And trust me - we're going through a rough phase right now (5 years married, 15 years together). But I would never disrespect him like that! I think that people who act like that really show their true colors about themselves. Rather than give a speech or respond, I would probably just feel sorry for them. Obviously they're miserable and seeking attention. Marriage is work.... And even when its hard that is no excuse to be an asshole to your partner (to them, or behind their backs).

Happy birthday month from another July baby!

Brittany LeSueur said...

OH I completely agree!!! Trust me, I know how hard marriage can be, but the way I feel is when you are dating a person look and see how he treats his mom...and other girls that are close to him. You better bet that down the road he will treat you the same way! One thing I truly believe is that if he is involved with pornography, or anything else that downgrades women, his respect for you is already not there. It is important to make sure the person you are with is somebody you want to be with for the rest of your life, but once you say " I Do" I believe that is when you start to fight for that relationship with everything you've got! A few people close to me had some difficulties in their marriage that, in my opinion, were acceptable reasons for a divorce. THey worked it out though. Now I see that they are so much happier than they would have been if they would have gotten a divorce. Yes, it was a lot of pain to get through, but so is is a pain I don't think ever stops.
I strongly believe you NEVER talk negatively about your significant other to anybody. Relationships consist of two imperfect people and therefore has its problems, and that is just going to do more damage than good. My husband and I have had our ups and downs, but it is getting through those hard things that make the relationship sweeter. We both have parents who are still happily married and that just stands as a testimony to me that YES there is happiness to be found in marriage, and if you nourish right it will just grow. Your marriage is going to be what YOU believe it will be. And if you have lots of hard work, selflessness, and sacrifice it will be terrific!

Colleen said...


I LOVE being married, love my husband, love our marriage.

And I actually got rid of a few friends who were fond of trashing their husbands or talking about how stupid they were.

I haven't missed them a day. My husband is my best friend, the better part of myself, and I feel at times that I don't deserve him.

He is the light of my life, and I can't imagine my existence without his steady presence beside me.

Plus, I feel like if you will trash the one you have vowed to love and cherish, who won't you trash??

Women like that just want to blame someone else for their bad choices in men.

Behold the Metatron said...

I'm optimistic... I mean. I have to be I'm getting married in October! haha


H. said...

Thank you. I really appreciated this post. I think one think people lack in their marriage today is respecting their spouse and respecting their marriage and the commitments that made when they said I do. Marriage isn't and will never be perfect but I married my spouse because I love him and everyday I choose to fight for us and what we promised on our wedding day. Does he drive me crazy sometimes? Of course. But I do the same, but when it comes down to it, marriage is wonderful and I would totally marry Dave all over again.

Megan said...

It makes me sad that people act like this! But you are right, we had tons of people say things like "are y'all sure y'all want to get married?" and all when we were engaged. But I'm glad you have your head on straight!! Marriage is AMAZING! It's definitely work, but it's amazing work. My husband and I never ever talk bad to/about each other. It's a rule we made. Of course we get angry and sometimes say things harshly, but cuss words and name calling is never allowed!

Jennifer Blair said...

All this makes me sad. I hear it a lot too though. I love Mark Driscols sermons on marriage. They are so solid. What you say about him is a reflection of your heart. You have to choose to hold him in high esteem in your heart. If you give negativity all the time, you're going to probably get negativity back...just sayin!

Jossie said...

I have so much to say but it's late so I'll keep it short. I totally agree that there's a lack of respect in marriage these days and I think that a lot of people think that marriage should be easy and if it's not, they it's time to get out. I know that I married my hubby for time AND eternity and darn it if we'll stick it out through thick and thin. Yep, the honeymoon phase ends and I totally agree with the comment that when that does, that's where being your spouse's best friend comes in. I would rather hang out with my husband than anybody else and we love being together. We disagree but we talk. We get sick of each other but we take time for ourselves so that we like being together. We have different hobbies to keep life interesting and have something to talk about. Yeah, there are things that my hubby does that bug me and sometimes I'll vent to a friend or my mom about it but at the end of the day, if it bugs me enough to talk to someone else about it, I've already talked to him about it and we've worked it out. Life is too short to fight, argue, and dislike each other. I am super blessed with the husband I ended up with...luckily he's easy going enough to put up with me.

Rachel said...

I find this a weird trait in humans - why do we feel the need to complain about everything?!

It's not just marriage - it's the same with pregnancy/babies, work, busyness etc etc.
Instead of concentrating on the positives (and I'm as guilty of this as anyone) it's so easy to start moaning about the negatives.

But I really don't see why everyone has to be so down about marriage - it's like people just expect them to fail nowadays and for everyone to be unhappy.

Rachel said...

P.S On the other hand it's probably a really good witness to people to see a relationship actually working well.

People often say to me 'oh, you seem to have such a strong relationship' (because I talk about the nice things Josh rather than the bad things I guess!) - but I feel like it's normal! It's a good way to show that God's way is best!

Mrs. Pancakes said...

Great a honesty nobody knows about anyone's marriage...people should do what they want to do!


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