Friday, July 8, 2011

I once was a Sergeant

em181
Believe it or not, I’m actually having a tough time with the realization that I’m not a Sergeant anymore. It’s who I’ve been for the past 2 years. An Officer for the past 7, and now I’m nothing.

As much as I hated telling people what I did for a living, I was mighty proud of being an Officer. Deep down I always got a kick out of watching their reactions, when I told them. And I admit, I’ve still been telling people I’m a Sergeant when they ask me or each time I’m filling out the dr.’s forms under occupation. I’m not ready to stop saying it.

On my 3rd day of ever working in a prison, I overheard an inmate say (ok, he actually said it loud enough for me to hear) that he doubted I’d last a year in prison. I would always think as each year passed, how much I wanted to tell him, ‘oh yeah?! Another year down, sucka!’ (that’s my holy and righteous side coming out, of course)

I grew so much as a person in these past 7 years. In good ways and in bad. I learned who I really was and just how strong I was as I faced all my different trials. How to stand up for myself. How to not have bright red ears for all to see when I had to confront an inmate. How to be able to get 200 convicted felons to do exactly what I said. (only took 1 month straight of screaming at the top of my lungs, but it worked!). I learned to have a voice. Have people respect me and in turn respect them.

Did you know inmates want to be respected?

I’m caught in this limbo where I don’t know who or what I am. I love not working. It’s an amazing blessing to be able to be out of the prison system. Yet, its also embarrassing when I tell someone I’m not working right now…and not married…and not a mom…It’s like they look at me like I’m a lazy no good for nothing. Someone my age should be working, if none of the above apply!

I hear how great others who I went to the academy with, are doing in their careers. Sergeants who are doing my dream job instructing at the academy. From day one I've always wanted to be an instructor at the academy. And in a way, I got to live it, only instructing at the prisons, all my fellow Officers, but it was short lived.

I know I’m lamenting a bit, but though I hated the job for the past 2 1/2 years, I loved the position. I’ve asked myself, if I’d stayed at the 2nd prison and didn’t transfer to my current one, if I would have been as miserable. And I think the answer would have been, no. Career wise, I had it made there. I could have gone far at that prison. But I chose to promote and transfer and relocate, leaving behind a golden opportunity.

I don’t like to dwell on that fact. I transferred because I was (and am) in love and knew it was the right decision for my relationship at the time. And I certainly don’t want to miss the fact that this is where God wanted me to be, I have no doubt of that. It just…likes to pop in my head from time to time.

At least I get to say I’m a “retired” Sergeant. That’s something, right?

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10 comments:

Katie said...

at the risk of getting all serious...sometimes when we have to let go of the titles or parts of our lives that we love so much, God gets the chance to teach us more about Him and who we are in Him!

But for real, consider social work :) Orrrr just be a professional blogger!

GreenGirl said...

Oh Emily...
I know how you feel. Do you remember when I was laid off last year?
I had a REALLY rough time with defining WHO I was...
I really really REALLY want you to read The Alchemist.
It will help you sort out your feelings now.

Amy @ dwell in the season said...

Wow, I can't imagine doing your job - ever! You are amazing, and even though you're not doing it anymore, it's a tougher job than a lot of people could handle. I think that's pretty awesome! :)

Tatiana said...

I can only imagine the yelling you had to do to keep them in line! Good practice for when you have kids ;-)
So how dangerous were they?
And don't be too hard on yourself love. Just enjoy the time that you've got off, give yourself time to heal, and eventually you will find something that you enjoy and are really good at :-) Promise!

Kirsten said...

That IS something! It's probably really hard but you'll get through it. There will probably be an adjustment period but you will come out stronger :) One thing I know for sure, I could NEVER do what you do!!

www.kirstenjoywilson.com

carissa said...

i'm so sorry. i know it must be so tough. hang in there. God will show you His purposes in due time.

LeAnna said...

I have to echo the thoughts about how God is JUST NOW starting something in you. Just think of the freedom you will have to be used by Him in ways you've never dreamed. Not to say He doesn't use those of us with an "official title" (wife, mom, coworker, whatever!) but you are in such a unique place. He'll provide you with direction, remember that all of our steps, status quo or not, are ordered by Him.

And, you're one tough cookie! The prison system isn't for the faint of heart. My FIL and even my Hubby are calloused in many, many areas. After 30 some odd years in the prison systems, my FIL has ZERO compassion for the criminal. And he raised his boys with the thought that 'once a criminal, always a criminal' - there is no trust there. Maybe God had a reason for getting you out......maybe He wants you to have a level of compassion for them that might otherwise have been replaced. You never know!

Sam {fitnessfoodandfaith.blogspot.com} said...

you have a lot to be proud of, lady!! i hope this next chapter in life is just as fulfilling :)

Megan said...

Don't feel bad about not working!! You are healing and taking care of yourself!!

I can't imagine working in a prison as a female. I would be terrified. You are amazing!!

michellenotwithstanding said...

You are exactly where you need to be. I can't imagine you, NEVER living here. That means, we would have NEVER met. And that would have been a terrible tragedy! Never forget that you are a child of God; the King of kings and Lord of lords. That is a WHOLE lot more than a sergeant, and definitely NOT a good for nothing. Love you, so much, my sweet friend. Mwah...

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