Irony is: everything that was yesterday

This seems to be the new start to my Wednesday’s posts: Thank you so very much for your thoughts and prayers yesterday. I certainly felt them all as I took care of everything at work.

via pinterest

Ironically, as I drove into work and mentally prepared myself for everything, the radio station was interviewing a woman who’s been in and out of prisons for 15 years.

And then right after that, a female Correctional Officer who’s worked in men’s prisons for the past 25 years, and just recently retired, was interviewed.

And then shortly after that, the song ‘Courageous’ came on. You know…the song I was singing to myself the night before to ‘amp’ myself up…yeah, that played.

I just chuckled and knew everything was going to be ok, because clearly God was with me.

And it was. Everywhere I went, everyone I encountered, showed genuine happiness to see me and genuine happiness for me…once they recognized me. Several of my co workers did double takes and it was kind of fun watching their minds work as they figured out it was me.

It took about 3 1/2 hours for me to find everyone and get their signatures throughout the entire institution. In that 3 1/2 hours, I talked to a number of Lieutenants, Sergeants and Officers. Cracked a joke to a couple of inmates, got 1 hug (not from an inmate), several handshakes and 1 date offer.

One thing C/O’s aren’t is subtle. Doesn’t matter that they’re going through a divorce (for the 2nd time with the same wife) or that they’re a lot older or the fact you have a big fatty wedding band on your ring finger; if they see a ‘pretty officer’ they’ve never seen before, they will ask her out!

After declining, he offered me everything he had in his lunch box to eat…even what he was about to eat.

::please note I am not married. I only wear a wedding band to work to make people think I’m married…clearly it works well::

It couldn’t have gone better. Well, that’s not true. Had I brought my checkbook to pay the outstanding balance they overpaid me and not have to return today to do it..then it couldn’t have gone better. I got a taste of what it was like to be around inmates in civilian clothes, too. They acted completely different around me not knowing I was custody and that was very interesting to me.

One thing I noticed with a lot of co workers I spoke with is they wished they were in my shoes, retiring. They all want to be out. A few told me how much longer they have until they’re about to retire, eager to have that in common with me.

It made me all the happier to be retired, and done and no longer having to deal with ‘how horrible the department has become’ (as everyone kept saying).

I’m FREE!

Even though I have to go back today and pay the overpayment, I’m free.

Praise God.

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Last steps in a prison

I thought I was never going to step inside the fence of a prison again. But I was wrong.

Its been almost 1 1/2 years since I’ve had to walk beyond the walls, through the electric gates, past the towers and onto the grounds and come across inmates. There hasn’t been one day that’s gone by, I’ve missed it. Not one.

The difference with this is, I’ll be in civilian clothes. Not a uniform.


On Monday, when I originally planned on driving into work to finish being separated from the Dept., I was under the impression it was outside the walls, in the personnel trailers where I would sign here here and here, hand over my badge and take a ‘retired’ id picture. By 11, I was still waiting for her to call me back and when she did, she informed me I had to ‘check out.’

Checking out involves me going throughout the ENTIRE institution to get upwards to 30 signatures from various departments to ensure I turned everything in. This takes sometimes hours to do as everyone is not sitting at their desks waiting for me to arrive. It’s my responsibility to track each and every person down in order to have it be completed. (this is a very LARGE institution) and it was already too late in the day to start Monday.

I can’t explain to you how I felt when she told me I’d have to do this. It wasn’t fear, because I don’t fear walking around inmates. But I did have anxiety. Anxiety that made my blood rise and body shake. I started to sweat and fought back tears as I told G-man what I had to do. Fighting tears throughout the day as I thought about it.

For 1 and 1/2 years, I’ve let go of all that working in a prison had done to me. For 1 and 1/2 years, God has changed and softened my heart into what it is now. I no longer have the ‘street smart’ attitude (as G-man puts it), I’m nothing of what I once was and walking back into a prison is the last thing I, as I am now, ever thought I’d have to do.

The anxiety only built when I considered what to wear. I found myself fishing out my ‘manly’ sunglasses I used to wear to work; debating whether or not to wear makeup and throw my hair up in a bun. Stressing over which outfit to wear that didn’t hug any part of me, that was loose, possibly baggy since I can’t wear jeans and definitely can’t wear my uniform.

This is hard to explain to even myself why I reacted this way, let alone to you. But this job has taken a toll on me emotionally. For the first 2 years, I had almost nightly horrific nightmares that left me drenched in sweat and my heart bursting out of my chest. So vivid and real, I could tell you the majority of them, to this day. I even went and saw a therapist, they were affecting me that deeply. I’ve had men masturbate to me, call me the worst names possible, yell lewd and perverse comments in my direction, not to mention gestures, and have seen crime and murder scenes that put CSI and Criminal Minds to shame.

My work thumbdrive contains some of the most violent inmate on inmate murder videos that I used to watch and make my Officers watch, as “OJT” (on the job training) and now, I don’t know what to do with them. I can’t watch them anymore, they make me sick to my stomach.

I’ve changed. From head to toe, inside and out, I’ve changed. And I am so thankful He’s changed me out of what I once was and once was around.

I can’t express in words my true hatred for having to go back into the prison to check out. But I pray and beg you to pray that God leads me through there with a swiftness that only He could give. With minimal stress from inmates or staff who haven’t seen me in 1 1/2 years. All day Monday, I felt my attitude hardening in preparation. I do not like what prison does to me and I want to spend as little time there as possible.

Please pray that it’s so.

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I’m thankful for 38

I’m cold. No, I’m freezing. One minute it was in the high 70’s and I had my floor fans going in my apt, still sleeping in shorts. The next it’s barely hitting 60 and I’m frantically lighting the pilot light in my gas fireplace…only the pilot light won’t light. No matter what I do, how many times I work it, it won’t light.

Now, I’m impatiently waiting for management to send maintenance today to do it for me, all while covered in sweats, socks and a blanket because I refuse to turn the heater on…since it sucks the pocketbook dry…I can do this!

This week, I’m thankful for:
- my new kindle. My other one was having serious issues and Amazon sent me a brand new one to replace it. Amazon really is the best.
bad cell phone picture

- getting through a rough week and you dear friends for encouraging me through it.

- G-man getting safely home from Y Country.

- only having a 2 hour difference between us now, thanks to Daylight Savings Time. So nice not having it be 3 anymore.

- my brother and his wife celebrating 13 years of marriage today. Craziness!
I’m sure she’d kill me posting this picture, but she put it on FB so, I deem it ok. (they’re in a cave, which explains things)


- Dana over at The Wonder Forest for telling us how to do a favicon. I’ve been wondering how bloggers change it and she happened to have the tutorial and happy I was! And in case you’re wondering that the heck mine is, its of the open pomegranate I took. I’m still considering changing it but will keep it up in the meantime.

- finally seeing the first signs of fall, here. We’ve been on pause with absolutely no color change of leaves. I’m even looking at pink flowers on a bush outside my living room window right now. But Tuesday, I happened to come across the first tree with its leaves changed. It made me so happy.

- my sinus infection going away. Ok, that’s a total lie. Its not even close to going away, but I figured if I showed it that I was “thankful” it would gracefully bow out and move along. I’ll keep you posted on if it does.

Let’s hear the tales of your weekend? I know some went through a minor earthquake… *ahem, while others, did….not? So fill me with your tales. I need a little entertainment today, especially since I’m driving into the god forsaken place that is my old prison to finally officially separate from the department. I have to turn in my badge…why this never occurred to me, I do not know. *sniff*

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How now brown cow…l

OK, the cowl is red, but I don’t mess with Bugs Bunny’s lines! When growing up, he was my all time favorite character… any way

Last Thursday I was able to help my friend with her open house for her adorable little girls clothing line. It was going to be huge w/several other vendors there, so she definitely needed me to step up and help sew. Only problem is, I don’t sew..at all!

So instead, I cut paper! I’m a good cutter of paper. If any of you need paper cut, give me a call. I’ll rush over and cut that paper like no one has ever cut paper before! That’s my promise to you.

I brought my camera along without her even asking and starting snapping away as the set up began. I'm good at that, too.

She was working her fingers to the bone, making sure everything was just right. I helped at first, but then kept taking pictures and realized how much of a non help I was.

::good friend::

In the midst of her setting up, and me not helping, I made sure to stop her so I could show off her boots.

She was gracious to oblige me.
Her clothing line is drop dead adorable for little girls. Ah-dorable!!

You have to check out her Etsy shop! My sweet and lovely friend, Erin did the photo shoot with all the little girls and they’re so cute!

Think about all those little girls in your life that would look just the cutest in these clothes! Ok, I’ll stop plugging my friend’s clothes.

It was a lot of fun. So much so that even though I purposely didn’t bring any money. Any money whatsoever to ensure I would not buy anything….I still bought something!

How is that possible?! Easy. Just say…”I’ll pay you tomorrow, sound good??” Darn me knowing another friend with an Etsy shop!! …and having no will power.

Ladies, I’d like to officially introduce you to my new cowl. We are in love! I’m not gonna lie.

Have an absolute fabulous weekend, my dearies and come back and tell me all about it on Monday!

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He never fails me

First of all, thank you. Thank you to all of you who thoughtfully left me sweet words of encouragement yesterday. Every single word meant so much to me. {{big ol’ hug to you all}}

The night I wrote that, I was beyond frustrated. {obviously} and I couldn’t get myself to talk it out with God.

But he did something for me. He knew I couldn’t talk to Him so he sent me G-man in the form of a random skype call. G-man is still overseas. The whole time he’s been there, we’ve actually hardly spoken. His work schedule is so off that I’m sleeping when he gets off work. But this time, while I knew he was at work; I sent him a quick ‘I wish you were here’ email. Not a few hours later, he’s emailing me back saying to skype.

I poured it all out to him. He sat quietly while I raged and ranted. Nodding when I needed it, making the faces where appropriate and gave me the ears I needed so badly. Afterward I told him, thank you. Thank you for listening and he simply responded with, ‘that’s what I’m here for.’

It struck me later that night what God had done. He didn’t have to provide me with the listening ears, but He graciously made G-man available when otherwise he wouldn’t have been because He knew I needed it.

And that’s what God’s here for. Those times He knows we’re weak in flesh, in mind, in spirit. He provides that strength, support and love. He has faithfully stayed by my side at every turn I take, even when that turn is away from Him.

I’m thankful that He is my God. That He cares enough about me to send His Son to die on the cross for my sins.  That even the simplest of things like making G-man available for a skype call would be just what I needed at that very moment to allow myself to open up and talk to Him, again.

But this time in praise, not frustration and anger. In humbleness not pride.

2 Corinthians 4:6
For God, who said, "Light shall shine out of darkness," is the One who has shone in our hearts to give the Light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ.
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What the bleep?!

Was that offensive to you? If I told you, in my head I actually said ‘bleep’, would that make it less offensive? No? Ok, I’m sorry.

My normal schedule of nothing all day every day is no more and I’m overwhelmed. Overwhelmed that just about every single day I have something going on that starts right at 10. Overwhelmed that I’m not home doing what I do normally but out and about. Overwhelmed at my impending schedule that will only get worse by 50 within a matter of days!

I’m organized. I kinda pride myself on it, but seeing my schedule go out the window has turned me into the most unorganized person and I’m…wait for it….overwhelmed! I don’t even know where to start. Make a list? Ok..but my mind just went blank! And when I actually think of something TO write down, I’m not in a place to do so.

Also, right now, I’m very tired of tap tap tapping out my lists on my iPhone. I’m longing for paper lists. To see, to achieve, to scribble out when done. Not this click, backspace backspace, click..’no auto correct, that’s not the word I want’, backspace, click click.

Then there’s my finances that’s overwhelming me more. Oy vey! Dear God, what have I done!? October was a stupid month. Stupid because I was stupid. I overindulged. Stupidly. With each swipe of my card..or in most cases, typing it out, because this girl has her debit card number memorized, that’s right… I knew it was wrong. I knew I shouldn’t get yet another thing. But I went and did it any way. Telling myself November will be better.

Now November is here. Now I have a very clear understanding of my finances. Clearer than October because my beer goggles are off and I can see the damage that’s been done. But the storm is still brewing. The damage is about to get a lot worse.

After 8 long months of calling repeatedly to my work specialist regarding the state overpaying me a lot of money and never hearing back from her…ever, she finally calls me earlier this week (only because I told her supervisor about her lack of job doing) and blames ME for never taking care of it. She blames me! SHE. BLAMES. ME! If I didn’t have someone in the car with me when she told me that, who knows what I would have said to her.

Regardless of all of that poo, its now expected I pay back the large amount Monday. Do we need to refer back to October to know how that’s gonna play out??

The day I got the call, my friend and I were on our way to practice shooting each other and lets just say I was a horrible model. Pretty much the majority of my pictures have this expression.

Or this and this..

Out of about 100 pictures, 80 have this blank stare. I made it for a fun day, I know it.

I realize I need to let God take care of everything. I have already have several verses go through my head about worrying, stress, giving it to Him. I know what needs to be done. I haven’t yet felt ready to give it over… Does that make sense? Like talking to Him is just the most difficult thing for me to do, right now.

I’m just being honest.

I had a far more upbeat post for today, where I officially introduced you to my new cowl (bought *cough in October cough cough), but this is me right now. I’ll introduce you tomorrow.

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Thinks and thoughts

Do you ever read a book and within the first few pages you know it’s a lousy book? Now, when you realize that, do you keep reading till the very end? Or do you stop at that moment and go for a new book?

I can’t stop. No matter how horrible the book is. The characters, the writing, the premise, I can’t not finish. I need to see how the crappy characters end up. I’ll keep telling myself, sometimes out loud, how lame the book is, throughout, but I’ll finish it.

That’s what I’m doing right now. Its horrible! The writing is horrible! The words the author uses is ridiculous and the characters literally make me roll my eyes in annoyance. But now I’m half way through and I can’t wait to finish. For the obvious, just want to be done, reasons.

Do you read more than one book at a time? Or only one? And I mean novels. I don’t know how people can read multiple books at once. It makes me feel like I’m doing the book an injustice reading another, and I feel a little chaotic when I do, actually.

I like focusing on one group of characters, one story line. So I can give it my all. Is that crazy?

On to another ‘crazy’ question. How can people read a book in a day? Let alone an entire series, 3 or more, in a week?! Seriously, how do people do that!!? If you’re one of ‘them’ tell me how you do it?! Did you get that program that teaches you to speed read? …remember those?

If I’m devoted, I can finish a book in just under a week, but I sit in awe over those who read a thick book in a day.

As you can see, I have a lot of ‘thinks and thoughts’ today..okay, not just today.

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