B-I-D

At 21 I was living in Los Angeles, working 2 jobs. One of those jobs happened to be at California Pizza Kitchen as a hostess. It was a job that allowed me to eat for free each shift. This was essential since I was very poor, unable to really buy groceries for myself. To say I took advantage of each shift’s meal is an understatement.

Full salads, full pizzas always finished off with a dessert. I ate every single bite in front of me. For 8 months of shifts, I ate every bite.

My other job supplied the sweets. Patients would bring cookies and chocolates as thank you and I would take my fair share. Eating chocolate every single day for a month straight. I craved it, had to have it!

And it all quickly began to show. 15lbs were gained. I weighed the most I’d ever weighed. Nothing fit as good; I felt gross, but I couldn’t stop. I craved it all, losing my sense of portion control.


I was under a lot of stress in LA. Which attributed to my eating. I could barely pay rent, my first roommate was a chain smoker with a cat that threw up all the time-everywhere and after I moved, my living situation only got worse with my new roommates stealing my things. I couldn’t take it anymore and moved away.

I relocated to Pismo Beach with my uncle. My uncle, who was seeing a former body builder turned gym owner. After committing to working out 5 days a week and going on a drastic 40-30-30 plan (fats-carbs-protein), the weight was gone. People were commenting on how ‘ripped’ I was, but I never really believed it.


I’d get measured regularly to see if I was losing anymore in my thighs or waist, because I believed I still had a way to go. For a year straight I worked out 5 days a week and probably in some of the best shape I’d been in but I never felt good about myself. Feeling my thighs and calves were never ‘toned enough.’ Never feeling I could wear shorts because of all that ‘jiggle’.

My uncle’s girlfriend said I had BID – Body Image Disorder. What I see isn’t what others see. (obviously) I’m getting told I look one way, yet all I see is this slob who needs to lose the chub in the hips and thighs. It’s a crazy way to think and over the years I’ve worked very hard on not viewing myself that way, but fall back to it sometimes.

What helps in those moments, is remembering what my mom said years ago, that if she looked as good as me {and my sister in law that was there} at our ages, she’d be in shorts every day. And the worse regret is looking back at those years you thought you were chunky or heavy and seeing that you weren’t. All those years wasted on not enjoying how you looked then.

I’ve been wearing shorts for the past 2 1/2 years. I fight the way I think my legs look in them, but I’m enjoying how I look now. I’m very critical of myself, but I want to look back 10-20-30 years from now and be content and not regretful at how I viewed my body and lived my life.

I want you to keep this in mind for yourself, if you struggle with this, tomorrow. I’m doing a little something that I’m really excited about that I hope you’ll join me in, fears and all.

Its time we believe the compliments we’re given.

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Is it because I’m fat?!

I’ve kept it no secret that I’ve gained weight…well, not really weight since my weight is the same, but I am chubby for this body. Chubby enough that my jeans were so tight that it cut into my stomach on a 10 minute outing …out getting hot wings and breadsticks at the local pizza joint that was only 3 blocks away and I drove *ahem… and made me bloated (you’re welcome for that TMI there). Those jeans have since been retired…for now.

But I’ve been currently sporting cankles (from swelling) and thankles and tree trunks for thighs. It’s a pretty sight and that 6 pack I showed those months ago?? Its currently a soft and pudgy 2.

Why am I telling you this? Well, because I’ve been getting a lot of “attention” lately and it’s really caught me off guard. Ever since I turned 30, I feel like I’m getting a lot of looks from guys. Trust me when I say, I never paid attention nor made it a point to notice when someone’s looking at me/checking me out so when I’ve been randomly looking up to see guys staring at me or calling out to me, it’s made me ask, why now?!

And they’re bold about it. So bold they’re doing it with G-man right next to me. At one point, G-man and I were driving through the Marine base and as we passed this group of guys talking, I politely smiled (since they were on my side of the truck) and looked away, but G-man watched as they looked at me and 1 stared me down apparently not showing him the proper respect.

Then another group of guys did the same. ..and another. Then a guy here and there would make a comment to me when I walked by.

Oh and here’s where it gets creepy and funny and awkward to the point of me wanting to take a shower afterward.

A woman who was standing outside his building said to him about me as he and I were walking by, ‘sexxxyyyy’ She called me sexy. We were stunned…and confused and dumbfounded. And of course the rest of the day G-man proceeded to call me sexy like she did to poke fun.

I do not know where this attention is coming from. I’m currently having horrible skin to the point of going to the Dermatologist, I’m pudgy as ever and just not exuding that confidence to garner attention.

And to round this out, I’ll show a completely random awkward cellphone picture of me, w/G-man cut out of course, right before riding bikes.
First time w/a bike helmet on, I felt silly. and no, this isn’t a recent picture. Like I’d torture myself doing that!

Let me ask you all a question.

Do you find when you’re feeling your worst, whether it be a bad hair day, less makeup day, feeling ‘soft’ or just not pretty; that those are the days people notice you? Where they might even compliment you on how you look?

Now if so, how do you respond? Do you say, ‘oh gosh, I look a mess.’ or ‘puh, what are you smoking?!’ or do you say, ‘thank you’ and take the compliment?

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