Tuesday, March 27, 2012

B-I-D

At 21 I was living in Los Angeles, working 2 jobs. One of those jobs happened to be at California Pizza Kitchen as a hostess. It was a job that allowed me to eat for free each shift. This was essential since I was very poor, unable to really buy groceries for myself. To say I took advantage of each shift’s meal is an understatement.

Full salads, full pizzas always finished off with a dessert. I ate every single bite in front of me. For 8 months of shifts, I ate every bite.

My other job supplied the sweets. Patients would bring cookies and chocolates as thank you and I would take my fair share. Eating chocolate every single day for a month straight. I craved it, had to have it!

And it all quickly began to show. 15lbs were gained. I weighed the most I’d ever weighed. Nothing fit as good; I felt gross, but I couldn’t stop. I craved it all, losing my sense of portion control.
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I was under a lot of stress in LA. Which attributed to my eating. I could barely pay rent, my first roommate was a chain smoker with a cat that threw up all the time-everywhere and after I moved, my living situation only got worse with my new roommates stealing my things. I couldn’t take it anymore and moved away.

I relocated to Pismo Beach with my uncle. My uncle, who was seeing a former body builder turned gym owner. After committing to working out 5 days a week and going on a drastic 40-30-30 plan (fats-carbs-protein), the weight was gone. People were commenting on how ‘ripped’ I was, but I never really believed it.
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I’d get measured regularly to see if I was losing anymore in my thighs or waist, because I believed I still had a way to go. For a year straight I worked out 5 days a week and probably in some of the best shape I’d been in but I never felt good about myself. Feeling my thighs and calves were never ‘toned enough.’ Never feeling I could wear shorts because of all that ‘jiggle’.

My uncle’s girlfriend said I had BID – Body Image Disorder. What I see isn’t what others see. (obviously) I’m getting told I look one way, yet all I see is this slob who needs to lose the chub in the hips and thighs. It’s a crazy way to think and over the years I’ve worked very hard on not viewing myself that way, but fall back to it sometimes.

What helps in those moments, is remembering what my mom said years ago, that if she looked as good as me {and my sister in law that was there} at our ages, she’d be in shorts every day. And the worse regret is looking back at those years you thought you were chunky or heavy and seeing that you weren’t. All those years wasted on not enjoying how you looked then.

I’ve been wearing shorts for the past 2 1/2 years. I fight the way I think my legs look in them, but I’m enjoying how I look now. I’m very critical of myself, but I want to look back 10-20-30 years from now and be content and not regretful at how I viewed my body and lived my life.

I want you to keep this in mind for yourself, if you struggle with this, tomorrow. I’m doing a little something that I’m really excited about that I hope you’ll join me in, fears and all.

Its time we believe the compliments we’re given.

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10 comments:

Katie said...

oooooh that's so hard- believing the compliments we're given! I struggle with this a lot!

the blogivers said...

Yep, I think your uncle's girlfriend was right with the BID diagnosis - I think you are tiny, and even in the pictures where you were trying to show that you put on weight I STILL think you look tiny!

Natalie said...

"believe the compliments we’re given." Someone told me that years ago and it's been incredibly helpful for me when it comes to my looks =)

Lisa @ honibun@blogspot said...

Gosh what an awesome post.

I actually have the reverse issue and am seeking help for it. I don't realise how overweight I am!!! I feel one way and have a near heart attack when I see photo's of myself because that is so not how I picture myself!!!

Stephanie said...

I totally have BID...I've recently lost weight, but when I look in the mirror I don't see it. It's been 2 years since I reached my goal weight, and I still can't wrap my head around the weight being gone. It's really goofy.

Colleen said...

It's amazing to me that no matter what our body size is, we all have issues with our body. You look gorgeous.

meme-and-he said...

thanks for the honestly, I know more people than you would think who struggle with body image.

you are beautiful, by the way. take the compliment ;)

Christina said...

Is the girl in that picture Stacy?! Looks kinda like her...haha. By the way, she's preggo...just found out! I'm gonna be an auntie of sorts!

I slowly gained over the last ten years, and I am in the battle to lose some of it back. It would help if I got off this couch... ;)

Megan said...

I see this so often in girls...they are given a compliment and shy away from it! We should just say thank you!!

Jossie said...

You have always been thin and always look great but I totally know how you feel. I go through cycles like that all. the. time. Darn it for being girls and having the pressure to look good. I think it's lame. BTW, love that picture of us with the creeper in the background of the picture. Funny stuff!

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