I've been following along with She Reads Truth and doing their bible studies...in my own way. I read what they say to read every morning, I think it over, underline and sometimes write notes in my bible. I don't go full out with a notepad filled with verses, notes and doodles to have it really stick. I do what some would say is the minimum, and though I'm not necessarily content in my methods of studying, I'm thankful I'm reading God's word daily.
Though, there's been a struggle going on each day I read. I read for others in mind. I read a certain verse and think, 'if only they would read this.' 'if only I could get them somehow to understand this.' 'this applies to them so much right now' and I would underline and make notes with them in mind. Not me.
Every day I see myself doing this and every day I do my best to stop. To put myself in front. To read for me and what I need to work on in my life, because I know what I'm saying they need to read is what I need to read as well. My heart is just as deceitful and bitter. It holds the same amount of clamor and wrath and anger and slander and malice. (Eph 4:31) I may hold it in (for a little bit longer than them) but I still have it there in my heart and it still spews out of my mouth easier and quicker than others.
I pray a lot about having the verses work in my heart, in my life, and its becoming almost a daily prayer because I can't stop wanting others to be changed by the verses I read and having their eyes opened. I know it won't effect them. They aren't reading it so obviously no changes will be made in their lives, but its mine that its needed in.
Even with this ongoing revelation, I still feel the desire for others to change. Reading an excerpt on Katie's blog from the book "Bittersweet" had me thinking of all my married with kids friends, and wishing they'd read the book. I've seriously debated talking about this for so long but I know you read my blog and in every way I want you to take anything I say, the right way, so I’ve struggled with opening up.
How can I share that I feel like I'm nothing to just about all my married with kids friends, because they never make time to hangout with me? That I see them (or hear about) them hanging out with other friends but when I ask for just one hour of their time, they don't have it. They're too busy, or the kids are impossible to get away from...
I do understand that when kids come into the picture EVERYTHING changes. I. get. that. And when you add 2, 3, 4 or more kids under a certain age, life is thrown into a tailspin. But I feel left out. Maybe I'm too selfish. Maybe I put more stock in the friendship. Maybe I'm being incredibly unfair. Maybe when my day comes and I have a brood of children at my feet the light bulb will go off and I'll call to apologize.
Right now? I don't get it. And it makes me feel like retreating. Like not even putting in the effort anymore because they don't want to. I don't have the kids in common, play date, get-together’s to be our connection. It makes my time here lonely. And isolating. And disconnected.
I'm not in the same place as anyone around me and I feel like the odd man out, and without Facebook, it makes my outsider feelings complete.
I know I've already taken huge steps back from everyone I've known in my little town. Helping the isolation by not texting or emailing or reaching out to them, because honestly? I'm tired of rejection. It hurts and I don't want to keep getting hurt. I'd rather go to work, go home, do a jewelry party with strangers who make time for me and go back home to a quiet empty apartment, than text a friend and not hear back for days. Or suggest to plan a get together and have it never work out.
I'm not content or happy in this, but its less painful this way.
There’s always the exception and that exception came over last night. I had a great time. We planned 6 weeks ahead and actually had our ‘date’ stick, and I was so happy it worked out, because we had such a nice time.
Like reading verses, if I choose to read that book, or any other, I need to read it for myself. Because God knows how much change I need to do in my own heart. I can pray all day and night for God to change and soften my heart but until I'm willing, it will remain in the same state of discontent and frustration.
Ephesians 4:32 speaks loud enough to me that it stings.
Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
"be kind and tender-hearted.." two things I could definitely be more of...Pin It Now!