Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Looking at myself

I've been following along with She Reads Truth and doing their bible studies...in my own way. I read what they say to read every morning, I think it over, underline and sometimes write notes in my bible. I don't go full out with a notepad filled with verses, notes and doodles to have it really stick. I do what some would say is the minimum, and though I'm not necessarily content in my methods of studying, I'm thankful I'm reading God's word daily.

Though, there's been a struggle going on each day I read. I read for others in mind. I read a certain verse and think, 'if only they would read this.' 'if only I could get them somehow to understand this.' 'this applies to them so much right now' and I would underline and make notes with them in mind. Not me.

Every day I see myself doing this and every day I do my best to stop. To put myself in front. To read for me and what I need to work on in my life, because I know what I'm saying they need to read is what I need to read as well. My heart is just as deceitful and bitter. It holds the same amount of clamor and wrath and anger and slander and malice. (Eph 4:31) I may hold it in (for a little bit longer than them) but I still have it there in my heart and it still spews out of my mouth easier and quicker than others.

I pray a lot about having the verses work in my heart, in my life, and its becoming almost a daily prayer because I can't stop wanting others to be changed by the verses I read and having their eyes opened. I know it won't effect them. They aren't reading it so obviously no changes will be made in their lives, but its mine that its needed in.

Even with this ongoing revelation, I still feel the desire for others to change. Reading an excerpt on Katie's blog from the book "Bittersweet" had me thinking of all my married with kids friends, and wishing they'd read the book. I've seriously debated talking about this for so long but I know you read my blog and in every way I want you to take anything I say, the right way, so I’ve struggled with opening up.

How can I share that I feel like I'm nothing to just about all my married with kids friends, because they never make time to hangout with me? That I see them (or hear about) them hanging out with other friends but when I ask for just one hour of their time, they don't have it. They're too busy, or the kids are impossible to get away from... 

I do understand that when kids come into the picture EVERYTHING changes. I. get. that. And when you add 2, 3, 4 or more kids under a certain age, life is thrown into a tailspin. But I feel left out. Maybe I'm too selfish. Maybe I put more stock in the friendship. Maybe I'm being incredibly unfair. Maybe when my day comes and I have a brood of children at my feet the light bulb will go off and I'll call to apologize.

Right now? I don't get it. And it makes me feel like retreating. Like not even putting in the effort anymore because they don't want to. I don't have the kids in common, play date, get-together’s to be our connection. It makes my time here lonely. And isolating. And disconnected.

I'm not in the same place as anyone around me and I feel like the odd man out, and without Facebook, it makes my outsider feelings complete.

I know I've already taken huge steps back from everyone I've known in my little town. Helping the isolation by not texting or emailing or reaching out to them, because honestly? I'm tired of rejection. It hurts and I don't want to keep getting hurt. I'd rather go to work, go home, do a jewelry party with strangers who make time for me and go back home to a quiet empty apartment, than text a friend and not hear back for days. Or suggest to plan a get together and have it never work out.

I'm not content or happy in this, but its less painful this way.

There’s always the exception and that exception came over last night. I had a great time. We planned 6 weeks ahead and actually had our ‘date’ stick, and I was so happy it worked out, because we had such a nice time.

Like reading verses, if I choose to read that book, or any other, I need to read it for myself. Because God knows how much change I need to do in my own heart. I can pray all day and night for God to change and soften my heart but until I'm willing, it will remain in the same state of discontent and frustration.

Ephesians 4:32 speaks loud enough to me that it stings.
Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

"be kind and tender-hearted.."  two things I could definitely be more of...

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Lauren said...

Way to be so honest! Love it. We are all imperfect. We can't change those around us. Its not our job to do so. Its Gods. We just need to be reminded of that. Because frankly when I concentrating on my junk and being closer to God I do not have to the time to look at their ways. I understand your feelings of hurt. I have several single friends. So they all will get together and not invite me taking for granted "I'm busy with the husband" so that hurts. But I know that people will fail me, but God never will. I'll be praying that God sends you some great sisters or opens the eyes of the ones you already have.

Anonymous said...

I love you, Em!

P.S. Just so you know... I would TOTALLY be willing to come to your house to eat popcorn & watch our show, EVERY WEEK. Does that prospect frighten you at all? I hope not. Hugs...<3

Anonymous said...

This is so true, Emily. It's not up to us to change others even if we want to so badly. We can only change ourselves. People will always come and go in life, even those people you have always been SO close to, but for all of those people who disappear there will always be the ones who stick with you too. Keep your head up and surround yourself with the people who will always be there for you no matter what life throws at them.


Anonymous said...

PPS. I got rid of the superfluous eyebrow hairs this morning. You would be so proud! ;)

Megan said...

It's sad that your friends can't make time for you. My best friend got married two years before me and has two kids, but she ALWAYS makes an effort to text/visit and it really does mean so much. I know that life with kids is crazy, but you still need friends!!

angie on maui said...

Really loved this post, friend. I read it from my phone earlier but wanted to come back to comment.

Like I mentioned in my tweet, I really do wish that we lived closer together. No just so that I can smoosh you in a hug, but so that we can talk about about important things like this in person rather than via comments or emails.

As for what you're realizing in the #SRT series...what you wrote really resonated with me because I have thought/felt the same things! I love what this study is teaching me and that it is forcing me to look at myself in different ways; such an invaluable experience. All that to say, please don't be so hard on yourself. You ARE kind and you ARE tender-hearted; I think what we can learn from this is that God is simply refining us, polishing us up and opening our eyes to things that we can improve upon.

Odd man out? I'm right there with you. We've touched briefly on this in emails, but girl, I feel you, especially since Phil and I aren't parents. It makes me sad to think that you are retreating and isolating yourself because it's easier and less painful that way. I get that, and while you should definitely give yourself permission to have some alone time, don't deprive others of YOU; you're a ray of sunshine with that smile and sense of humor of yours. You are so special and I love you! xo

I know you're planning on heading out this way soon...when?

The Heart Of A Woman said...

I struggle with reading the word and thinking I wish this person or that person would read this too. Especially those I worry most about like one of my sisters.

It is sad that you have friends who don't seem to have time for single friends after they, themselves have children. Most of my friends here have children and still cherish our friendship enough to make time. I would totally want to hang out with you now and even after this baby comes. I wish we did live closer!

sandi said...

geez, i have three littles along with one hubby... the house is a bit messy, three toilets are clean but the children's has a ring in it, four loads of laundry are waiting by the washer which has one load in it and one in the dryer, and homework awaits once they come home from school... i would LOVE to leave it all behind and hang out with you!

but seriously, as one who married later in life i do have a level of understanding in this area. and believe me it's not on purpose that the married folks have trouble making time. but it is hard to not get frustrated. there are times when i read a scripture passage just like you... with someone else in mind. the way i combat that is to put my name in the verse and personalize it.

best wishes for a fabulous day!

debjones:) said...

Wow. We seriously need to talk! I loved getting to spend time with you - sometimes I had to drag the kids along with me, sometimes not.. But it's not so difficult to find an hour or two to spend w/ a friend every now and then. Even if you have to wait until the kids are in bed and then do something.. It may be time for you to begin recycling some friends and find some new circles, if you're feeling the way you sound in your blog. Your BRILLIANT personality is way too precious a commodity to keep to yourself! I know this for a fact! Love ya! ;)

Jennifer Blair said...

I have definitely felt the same way. Honestly, I'm not close to my friends anymore who have had kids in the last few years. It's sad, but I guess I thought it was normal. I'm sure it makes it harder with your man far away. However, I have to admit that I haven't always been so great about keeping up with my single friends after I got married. Things change and priorities shift, but you should always make time for friends. I hope you find friends that appreciate you more!


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