Tuesday, June 5, 2012

You can’t lay down!

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The other day I needed to look for my qualification card for my weapon and I came across my old notepad I used to carry around while working in prison.

I flipped through it, stopping to read the many notes I wrote to myself that was needed at the time. As I continued to flip, I came across this page. ‘YOU CAN’T LAY DOWN’. It immediately brought me back to the moment I wrote it and I couldn’t help but shake my head at my silliness creativity.

I was exasperated at that moment. I had only transferred to the 2nd prison a few months earlier, still adjusting to the way it was ran {and not liking it} when I was in charge of supervising a ‘cage’ of inmates waiting to see medical. Only a few were left waiting and one lied down on the bench.

Which wasn’t allowed.

I ordered him to sit up, but he wouldn’t. We exchanged words back and forth and he finally spat out, ‘I DON’T SEE IT WRITTEN DOWN ANYWHERE THAT I CAN’T!!’

Out comes my little notepad and I scribble furiously on it, holding it up to the chain link that separates us so he could see it.

Once he read it, he sat up and remained that way until his name was called for the doctor.

I admit, I was dumbstruck he actually obeyed once he saw the note but the other part was still seething over how these inmates at this prison acted, which was in complete contrast to the inmates at the first prison I worked.

Working in a prison required a lot of creativity. Sometimes that creativity wouldn’t come and I had to rely on someone else’s, but it was essential in order to work around inmates.

Since finding the notepad, I’ve had a lot of memories comes back. Some good. Some bad. Some where all I can do is smile or shake my head in frustration. I have to remind myself they’re just memories. They can’t be changed. There’s no sense in continuously beating myself up over my past actions because they’re done…but I do.

I get disappointed in myself over some memories, hating myself for some actions, even growing frustrated when I remember the things I did..and didn’t do. Is it possible to forgive yourself for your past?

It’s always talked about forgiving others, but what about yourself?
There’s still some things I hold over my head that I don’t seem to want to let go of.

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5 comments:

the blogivers said...

Ha, that's a funny little story!

Lisa said...

I think forgiving ourselves is the best gift we can give to ourselves....but the hardest gift to give!!!

Daisy said...

What a great story. I dwell on my past mistakes a lot but then I remember that God has forgiven me so who am I to not forgive myself.

Megan said...

You have to forgive yourself! If God can forgive you, then who are you not to forgive yourself? Ya know? He should be the one to never forgive us for the things that we do, but He does, thank goodness!!

PS: Why couldn't they lay down? That seems kinda harsh. I decided that I could never work in a prison. I think I'd cry all the time...and then yell the rest of the time. Haha. I am such a baby.

Colleen said...

I like this little mantra.

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