I'm a wannabe

It's true. I fight it constantly telling myself I'm not but a few days ago I uttered these words out loud and well once you say it out loud, there's no taking it back.

A few days ago the G-man (affectionately know as, my version of a.k.a, "my love") was picking me up from the airport. As we normally do, we texted back and forth giving updates to where I was, how close I was to getting my bag and meeting him outside on the curb.

Cause, that's our norm. He drives to baggage claim where I'm waiting on the curb.

So after telling him I'm waiting for my bag, I jet off to the restroom. As I'm coming out, I just finish texting him what I'm wearing so he can spot me easy and all of a sudden, someone pokes me from behind!!

In my wannabe mind that creates scenarios like there's no tomorrow, I have ALWAYS imagined I would, in such cases, whether it be a pinch a poke a jab, whatever! that I would whip around and do this KIA! move landing them flat on their rump. And of course slapping my hands together like I'm brushing off the dirt over their now crumpled body.

But instead...what did I do?? Gasp! That's it, just gasp. LIKE A GIRL!! yeah yeah, I know I am one, but whatev! I whipped around to see who it was and it was the G-man, surprising me with a beautiful lei.

He really did surprise me. Especially since it broke from 'the norm'. It was great though. Loved it.

As we're standing, waiting for my bag, I tell him that I'm a wannabe and explain why. He had wonderful sympathy for me. Love that man!

But in light of this recent declaration I've found more wannabe aspects in my life.

I'm a wannabe gymnast. I imagine I can do back flips and back bends ALL THE TIME. I get the craziest urges to do them while sitting on the couch. Like overpowering urges but can't even do a proper cartwheel.

I'm a wannabe outdoors person. I LOVE the outdoors. Love hiking, camping (though its been years), love the beauty of being outdoors...BUT I never go outdoors. EVER. I'm like the old lady with a million cats (though I don't own any) who never leaves her house except to get her mail. It's an ongoing struggle for me with this.

I'm a wannabe model. Back when I was 19 I attempted to get into the "biz", up to 21. That's why I ultimately moved to L.A. I am tall, thin and people always told me I had "the walk." I wasn't editorial for them enough and never went anywhere with it. I now have 100 zed cards with my modeling pictures on it sitting in a storage bin in the garage.

I still imagine (there goes the brain with the scenarios again) being stopped on the street by an agency...is that sad??

I'm a wannabe worker-outer. (not really a word, I know). I aspire to be in phenomenal shape. I imagine myself working out 5 days a week. And dream of being ripped! But I hate gyms..practically get anxiety walking into one (I don't like to be looked at or think people are looking at me...also is a reason why I am the old cat lady) I can't run (see the whole reason for this blog if you don't know why) and well, I'm lazy. that actually hurt to say out loud. Dangit now I can't take that back either! 


Any way, my list goes on and on with things I realize I'm not or won't be or can't. It's a little depressing...but right now I'm going to walk outside to the beach and strut my stuff (in a nice Christianly way of course) in hopes of that agency to pull up along side and demand I work for them.

A girl can dream at least...


*Random Tip: 2 male hamsters who live separately but are put in 1 cage so you can clean the one will ultimately fight to their death. Under no circumstances should you ever put your own hand in between the 2 hamsters fighting to their death. This will only result in one biting your hand, you jerking your hand with the hamster still attached, having it hit the ceiling and land with a thud on the bench behind you. (RIP Oreo) And you having to get a tetanus shot. Pin It Now!