Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Facing my fear

I have this fear.

I don’t like being the center of attention in public or even knowing there are people seeing me. Even if I know I’ll never see the people again. It makes me absolutely nervous, uncomfortable and I’ll do everything possible to get myself out of doing what I committed to do.

and yet I wanted to be a runway model…pssh!

This was a major issue I had to deal with while working in prison. Knowing I had 200 pairs of eyes watching my every move. My every bite I would take of my lunch…to the point of one of them yelling through their cell door the moment I closed the lid to a 1/2 eaten chicken salad, ‘I’ll eat the rest of that!!’ It was very difficult to deal with, walking across the yard of 600 inmates, knowing each and every step was being viewed. I’d mumble to myself, have the worst scowl on my face and pray I made it to the building without one saying something derogatory or me having to stop to tell one to ‘move along’ since they were staring too much.

I hate knowing people are watching me. H-A-T-E.

So, one day I headed down some country roads and saw these really pretty wild flowers off the side of one of the very busy roads. I swore to myself, since it would be my very last weekday off, I’d capitalize and return with my camera. Regardless of how many people saw me snapping away.

And truthfully, I wanted to do it when the majority of people were at work and not on a weekend. (baby steps)

2 hours went by after the fact and I still hadn’t returned to the flowers. Making excuses why it wasn’t ‘time’ yet, but really hoping the sun would set faster so I could lose the opportunity. But knowing my car was sitting in the blazing sun and not the garage, forced me to go out again.

Camera in hand, I made the drive back to the flowers. I parked and walked with my head down to the little patch of purple and red flowers, telling myself, ‘Don’t look at any cars, keep your head down, if you hunker low enough they might not see you…’ I start to hunker in what was the worst shoe choice imaginable. flip flops..what person in their right mind wears flip flops to walk through prickly weeds? *this girl* As I got lower, I saw huge black ants!

Another thing I don’t deal well with, mean ants. So now hunkering is practically out of the question. I planned on laying on my belly (pre flip flop/prickly weeds/ants) to:
A. be at the lowest possible level so no one would see me.
B. get the best shot possible
C. be at the lowest possible level so no one would see me.

I stayed for maybe 10 minutes. Enough time to have several cars drive by, to realize it was the worst lighting of the day, that flip flops gives ants a direct line for my toes {even if none actually came close}, that I jump at the slightest movement on the chance its an ant coming for me and that rocks aren’t friendly to walk, kneel, or crouch down on.

And the worst part? My pictures are subpar at best. Not like, oh, I’m just being modest…no, they really are subpar. Nothing wowing, unique, eye catching. Nothing more than plain ol’ run of the mill pictures of some flowers.

I promise it looked prettier driving by at a high rate of speed.

the focus! Where’s the focus!? It was so bright, I couldn’t make out anything.

All that for some pictures I probably won’t keep. The only consolation was I repeated to myself that everyone driving by seeing me wished they would be as brave and bold as I taking pictures off a busy road.

It worked…until the end of the sentence.

~what’s a fear of yours?~

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Colleen said...

I think your pictures are LOVELY and totally worth it! I have a list of my fears in my list book - irrational and rational. On irrational is "Dying in a T-Rex attack". Rational - "My husband getting hit by a car while riding his bike."

Daisy said...

I think they look great and you conquered a fear... sort of. I hate it when your lighting is not what you think it will be.

Jenn said...

I love the picture with the rocks. And you faced your fear which is awesome! Even though you don't like how your pictures came out, at least you attempted it. It's a first step!

Tabitha Mahoney said...

Umm same fear I hate HATE being stared at. I want to be like "WHAT can I help you". My sis always tells me when people stare and it just makes it worse lol. Awkward...

I also hate all bodies of water and everything in them. ewwwwww I die.

Christina said...

It's kinda funny but my fear is a little bit of the opposite. My fear is that I won't be seen, that I am overlooked. Being in a crowd and not being talked to or noticed. I hate that and fear it. Mostly I fear that I would be overlooked for the rest of my life.

Natalie said...

Flip-flop and ants don't mesh well. This is true. I don't exactly like being the center of attention, but I think I find it more annoying than a fear =)

Megan said...

I think they're pretty...especially the purple flowers! It's neat how some are in focus and some aren't! I agree...I don't like people watching me. I don't see how all those fashion bloggers do their pictures. I would feel SO silly!!

hannah love said...

the pictures are pretty!!

mmm I've been reading a lot about fear.
we keep allowing it and it should be seen as a stranger. we shouldn't be so familiar with it. and what you did took some guts.
you knew what you're afraid and you took a step to face it. it takes practice. I feel God challenging me every day with facing my fears!

Jenni@Story of My Life said...

Girl, you need a little more shamelessness in your life. Repeat after me: "no one give a sh*t if I'm taking pictures of what I want to take pictures of!" They only stare because it's kind of interesting and not what you see every day. They will immediately forget they saw you taking pictures, but if you don't get those shots because someone might see you, you will regret it long afterwards!

I am like a bull when it comes to getting the shots I want. No body better get in my way, and I don't care who's watching. Well, I guess that's not entirely true... depending on the situation, it can be a little awkward, but that doesn't stop me from snapping away! Ha! :P

These pictures are pretty, anyway, Emily.

Laura Elizabeth said...

Colleen's irrational fear of getting killed in a T-Rex attack is mine too!!!!!!!! Except mine is death by velociraptor :)

I also hate that feeling where everyone is staring at me... regardless of whether they are or not. On occasion, I'll have days where I won't leave the house (ok, writing that out makes it sound like I have a serious problem but it's not that bad!!) because I just can't be bothered to deal with the feeling.

When I was in Greece, it was INSANE!! Everyone was staring at me and my friend. It was like we were Brangelina or something. We decided that we must hvae looked like famous Greek people.

That scene that you described of having to eat lunch with everyone watching would have been the WORST!!


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