When I became a Sergeant it got even more ingrained in our brains because we aren't the 1st responders anymore. We sit back, let the officers deal with the situation, then come in to direct.
For instance, I was on the yard supervising 500 inmates when all my c/o's had stepped away which left me alone. As I'm watching the i/m's all of a sudden about 50 ft. in front of me, 2 of them start fighting. I stand there for a sec, then get on my radio and calmly tell observation to put the yard down. All but the 2 prone out. It was a full on fight. I then make the next appropriate radio call for back up, still standing there. About a full 30 seconds has passed and I haven't moved...and they're still fighting. they're not hurting my staff so I'm in no rush. Once a c/o arrives, he and I walk over, give them the command to 'get down' and pepper spray them. (note to self, don't spray into the wind...it WILL come back in your face and leave you looking like a tomato for the rest of the day. Brutal burn!)
Any way...why am I talking about this? Well....I seem to have taken this whole no reaction thing a little too far in my personal life.
Examples:
In the church kitchen with 2 ladies talking. A man walks in, puts something in the big fridge and walks away. I hear this waterfall sound, look and see this gush of liquid pouring out of the fridge. I look at it (they're still talking) then I point to it, say 'look', which they do, and THEY run over to it to stop it. I didn't move an inch.
Having breakfast on G-man's lanai, I look down here (note the arrow) and see this man standing on the car's bumpers and hoods attempting to get over the fence to the yacht club. Clearly drunk. I watch for a good 2 minutes, finding amusement more than anything and finally point it out to G-man. He looks and immediately gets on the phone and calls the cops.
I hear a lot of knocking on my neighbor's door. I peek out my window and see a guy at the door. Stands there for over 5 minutes knocking. The door opens a peek, he attempts to go in, I see her arm shove him back out. She says no. That she didn't want to see him. He keeps coming in, she shoves back, then he goes in and shuts the door. I stand there and listen. But do nothing.
The list goes on and on with things I'm not reacting to, to the point of thinking there's something wrong with me. I promise I'm not this horrible person that I'm clearly making myself out to be, I've just lost my ability to react. TO ANYTHING.
I think about this all the time and wonder if this will carry over to the day I have kids. I'm not reacting to other people's kids when I see them doing something, will I react to mine?? I get worried that I won't but have no idea and realize it's pointless to worry. I really wonder though. It's like I've taken it to the extreme with this and I don't know why.
Am I horrible? Are you disappointed? Do you think less of me?
Here's the outcome of the above:
i/m's had a misunderstanding and made up (typical)
it was lemonade which was cleaned up and talking resumed
the drunk guy never could get over the fence, walked away and the cops couldn't find him
the guy left a little later and she came out of the apt. completely fine
all the children were rescued by mothers nearby and remained unharmed.
What should I do? Any suggestions? I feel like I'm so far removed from normalcy...and I rest some blame on how my job has affected me, because it has and obviously not in a good way. Pin It Now!
7 comments:
this is really interesting. i think it is hard to "untrain" ourselves of something that has been so important in the past. i bet when you have your own kids things will be different, motherly instinct :)
interesting! :)
It's a hard concept to grasp. I feel like a lot of the times I'm a bit on the opposite end. Being a nurse, I find myself having to confront people all the time for their own safety and for the safety of my other patients and staff. However, I respond too quickly when I'm not at work as well, where I have no protection on anyone to back me up, and then I think "Yeah, that dude I just stoop up to could have totally killed me." I think that calling the authorities is the first safest thing to do, so you did a good job :-)
I think the first step is the awareness of your lack of reaction...if you can be trained one way, I think you can be trained in another. I also think it will be different when it's your own kids. I'd pray and ask God to help you to react the right way in situations, and you'll be surprised at how He'll help you out.
hope you have a great day!
The job we share is very isolating--no less for female officers..I am home (again) recovering from one of my many injuries/surgeries/rehab/treatment..holding on to a world of watching the savages at eachother b/c when I take action, they turn their animalistic behavior to me..hence two broken legs, palms, back/neck all affected...will I ever be the same..of course not..the fear is..will my LACK of reacting every go away?? I hope so..I understand you Em...I desperately cry out to the Lord and the first thing that strikes my core is Micah 6:9...I ain't preaching at you.your blog was for me..it confirmed what God has been pricking at me for some time now..the question is..where will God lead us, with this profound adapation of "new normalcy?" luv ya and I admire you..
~ Amazin
I used to react impulsively to EVERYTHING and OVERREACT is more like it.
I think I have just learned to be more deliberate with my reactions...which has proven to be a hell of a lot better than it used to be. I concoct (Is that a word?? I think so) these elaborate stories in my head...none of which ever come true...so, like you, I have trained my brain to reel it in...
I wish I could not react at all. I think that's a quality that I admire! Haha!
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